Me: Hey do you think you can help me move?
Scott: No.
Me: I won't need much help.
Scott: Where you moving to?
Me: Next door.
Scott: You know, that move probably won't provide much of a change of scenery.
Me: I don't know dude. Sometimes there's a whole new world next door.
Scott: Have you been huffing paint?
Ty: Why'd you and your girl break up?
Me: I'm tired of talking about it.
Ty: Say it quickly.
Me: She got upset because I refused to let her shove certain items up my ass.
Ty: So like? what did you allow up your ass?
Jamie: You're covered in sweat.
Me: I just worked out.
Jamie: You look all sweaty.
Me: I just worked out.
Jamie: Do you always sweat like that when you work out?
Me: No. On my leg day I actually sweat through my eyelids.
Jamie: What's a leg day?
Me: Please end this conversation as quickly as possible.
Jamie: Huh?
Lisa: Where is everybody?
Me: Have you ever noticed that no one says hello anymore?
Lisa: Seriously, where is everybody?
Me: What happened to common courtesy?
Lisa: Where is everybody, Nate?
Me: I'm not answering you until you extend me some courtesy.
Lisa: I'm about to extend my foot into your balls.
Me: Lunch, day off and meeting.
Lisa: Was that so hard?
Me: You're welcome.
Dave: Hate brings people together.
Me: You mean a common enemy.
Dave: What?
Me: A common enemy brings people together.
Dave: How about we compromise. Let's say that hatred of a common enemy brings people together.
Me: I mean, we could say that but?
Dave: Too late. The judge decrees it is so.
Me: What judge?
Dave: The judge? the little space frog that lives? in my ear.
Me: Seriously, is there some new drug that everyone's on lately?
Main: Why are you moving next door?
Me: There's a mold problem in my apartment.
Main: Damn Nate, I knew you were a slob but I didn't think it was that bad.
Me: You ever consider being a comedian?
Main: No.
Me: Good.
Labels: snippets