Me: How you doing?
Nikki: Rip roaring and reared to rectify.
Me: Huh?
Nikki: Too real for you?
Me: Are you on something?
Nikki: No. I'm just tired of having all the same boring conversations so I'm trying to spice things up.
Me: I'm sorry your conversations are so dull. What would you like to talk about?
Nikki: Not the economy or sports or religion or politics.
Me: You wanta talk about food?
Nikki: Food is awesome.
Dad: So, you think USF can beat West Virginia?
Me: By 21 points.
Dad: You're nuts.
Me: Dad?
Dad: I mean, it could happen? but it won't.
Me: I swear, it's like the whole world's against me.
Dad: That better be sarcasm, because if not, then you're being pretty dramatic.
Me: 21 points.
Dad: I hope it happens, Son.
Me: Thanks, Dad.
Dad: But it won't.
Me: I like to mix strawberries and blueberries into a bowl, and then eat them while drinking whiskey. I can just feel my digestive system go to town when I do that.
Nikki: Yeah, I don't think I want to talk about food anymore. What about relationships?
Me: What about them?
Nikki: Are you in one?
Me: We're all in many relationships, Nikki.
Nikki: Don't avoid the question. You're not slick.
Me: No one thinks USF has a chance against West Virginia.
Tim: That's not true. You do.
Me: Besides me.
Tim: Yeah, well I'm sure there are a few other yahoos out there. Just look harder and you'll find them. Don't you know how to use the internet? ‘Cause that might help ya.
Me: Thanks, Tim.
Nikki: One of these days, he's going to propose to me.
Me: How do you know?
Nikki: Because he better or I will kick his ass.
Me: Excuse me?
Nikki: Do you have any idea how much time I've put in on this one?
Me: It's not a sale?holy shit. It is a sale, isn't it?
Nikki: Of course not. Don't be silly.
Random Guy Sitting Next to Me: Dude, it's a sale. It's totally a fucking sale.
Mike: I wish they would pay women the same as they pay men.
Me: Yeah. Equality's an issue.
Mike: Yes. It is most certainly an issue. Many things are issues. I was not talking about what is and is not an issue though. I just wish there was equal pay for equal work.
Me: Why?
Mike: So my woman would bring home more money.
Me: You're a real “big picture” kind of guy, you know that?
Mike: No, I don't know that. ‘Cause I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
Nikki: I hope you're not gonna go around telling people that marriage is a sale.
Me: Of course not. Marriage is its own little confusing ball of conundrums. But I'll definitely never forget that line.
Nikki: You're gonna use that in your writing, aren't you?
Me: Oh, absolutely.
Labels: snippets