Eric: How's your bracket looking?
Me: Like it got beat up by 1984's Mike Tyson. Yours?
Eric: Bad. I ain't much for boxing, but believe me, it's bad.
Steve: Why aren't you at work?
Me: Market's closed and Madness is on. Why aren't you at work?
Steve: I got fired.
Me: Again.
Steve: But this time it wasn't my fault.
Me: How so?
Steve: You see, I got this really shitty alarm clock…
Me: Save it. Save it. You lazy bitch.
Steve: You don't even want to hear about my alarm clock?
Me: I cannot tell you in mere words how much I do not want to hear about your alarm clock.
Steve: Some friend you are.
Me: It's a tough economy to be looking for a job.
Steve: That's why I'm gonna look for handouts instead.
Me: Excuse me?
Steve: I am eligible for unemployment. I love this country.
Me: No offense, hoss, but about the only thing you're eligible for is unemployment.
Steve: Your mom.
Me: You're leaving already?
Aaron: Yeah, Bri's coming to pick me up.
Me: I thought you were in Tampa 'till Saturday.
Aaron: Dude, your girlfriend threatened my life.
Me: So what? She likes you. Besides, she threatens mine all the time. What'd she say anyway?
Aaron: Said that if I interrupted her sex life, she'd kill me.
Me: She was just joking.
Aaron: She said it three times. And really loud.
Me: She does value her sex life…
Me: Aaron left because you threatened his life.
Lila: Oh no. I was so mean to him and I feel so bad. Are you mad at me?
Me: What do I care? I think it's hilarious.
Lila: Oh, I was such a bitch. I'm so sorry.
Me: Look on the bright side?
Lila: What?
Me: You scared off a two hundred pound dude without even using a weapon. That's funny. I don't care who you are.
Lila: Shut up.
Me: Don't hurt me, now. I'm fragile.
Dave: What's your woman like in bed?
Me: You ever been in a dead sleep and had your woman jump on top of you, use all her weight to pull you over and force you into sex?
Dave: Sure.
Me: That's what it's like if I'm asleep when she gets home.
Dave: Nice.
Me: And a little frightening.
Dave: But that just adds to the fun. Like adding a dead body to a roller coaster.
Me: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Steve: If I were really hot, I could just coast through life on my looks.
Me: How would you do that?
Steve: Marry a rich ugly woman.
Me: But she'd be ugly.
Steve: Fuck it, all I get are ugly women anyway. It ain't that bad.
Me: If you say so.
Steve: Go wipe your ass with that smirk, Blondie.
Me: [singing] Friday morning looks sunny and bright, like it's gonna be a good day…
Steve: Don't even, dude.
Me: [still singing] And it would be if only you had a job.
Steve: I hate you.
Me: Next round's on me.
Steve: I love you.
Labels: snippets