Checkslovakian chick: Do you expect to live forever?
Me: No.
Checkslovakian chick: Then why do you act like it?
Me: It’s easier.
Checkslovakian chick: Ahh, you are truly an American.
Jerry: I like how you haven’t changed, Nate.
Me: What do ya’ mean? You like how I’m still the same asshole?
Jerry: Hey man, at least you’re consistent.
Random Dude: Hey, are you guys gonna be staying here long? Because we really want that table.
Me: That is a horrible shirt.
Random Dude: What are you talking about? It’s an O’Neil.
Me: Oh, well then, excuse me.
Random Lady: So what brings you to this wedding?
Me: I don’t know.
Random Lady: Well, who do you know here?
Me: The bride.
Random Lady: That’s it.
Me: No. I like to hold back on total strangers. It keeps them in line.
Random Lady: Are you from New York?
Me: If I were you, I would use cancer as an excuse for everything.
Doug: What do you mean?
Me: I mean like, if anyone ever bitched about me staying out too late and drinking too much I’d be all like, “Fuck you. I got cancer. I’m living life for the moment.”
Doug: Well yeah, but you don’t want to rely on that—
Me: Or if I got caught cheating on my woman, I’d be all like, “Fuck you, bitch. Do you know what it was like beating cancer? I need people. I need to live.”
Doug: Glad to see you haven’t changed, Nate.
Random Bus Lady: Oh really, you beat cancer? What did you have?
Doug: Hodgkins Lymphoma.
Random Bus Lady: My friend died from that.
Doug: That’s nice, lady. Real good to know.
Amy: I missed you terribly.
Me: So, who’d you cheat on me with?
Amy: It was just for two minutes and then I pushed him away. I felt horrible.
Me: Get the fuck out.
Me: I can’t believe it. She cheated on me.
Emmy: What? That’s never happened to you before?
Me: Not to my knowledge.
Emmy: That really surprises me.
Me: Gee, thanks.
Me: What are you doing tonight?
Bethany: Going home.
Me: After that?
Bethany: I don’t know. Why? What did you have planned?
Me: I just broke up with my girlfriend and I was figuring me and you could go back to my place and have some serious rebound sex.
Bethany: Good night.
Main: It amazes me that you don’t get slapped more.
Me: Yeah, me too.