"I've said time and time again that nothing good happens when oil is on the water." –Actual quote by actual Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen.
Here are ten things I've learned from the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill:
The most important job that any President has in any crisis is to find out whom to blame for what and lambast them on television. This is what the man calls, "Leadership."
The United States has a Minerals Management Service department, which along with the Vitamins Management Service department, exists primarily to oversee that American children finish their damn vegetables and wash their nasty hands. In a related story, "Minerals Management Service" is the name of a new crime drama on CBS featuring Dirk Benedict. Coming this fall!
Listening to women consistently and constantly say the word "spew" kind of turns me on a little.
The most BP will have to pay out for damages, according to US law, is two billion seventy five million dollars. In retrospect, members of congress now think capping the punitive and economic damages for offshore drilling may not have been the smartest move. Our leaders are total fucking idiots. (Side note: I love listening to senators and congressmen vehemently assault laws they put in place ten years ago. Reminds me why I vote. Because I'm stupid, that's why.)
"Tar Ball" is more than just a nickname for my chubby black friend Marcus; it is also something that regularly washes onto Florida beaches.
The main prognosticators as regards the future of spilled oil traveling in the Gulf represent my alma mater, the University of South Florida, which is located in West Central Florida, gave me (of all people) an academic scholarship and once hired a member of an active terrorist cell to teach calculus. USF sources close to me say that the recently leaked oil could end up traveling, "Really fucking anywhere man. Got any more crackers?" USF sources close to me tend to be high a lot.
Despite the fact that I've heard the word over seven hundred times in the last few weeks, I have no idea what a plume is.
No matter how good it makes you feel, scrubbing oily Pelicans does almost nothing to help the environment. You could literally help the environment more by not driving to the shore to scrub oily pelicans. I know this because I consulted the Environmental Science Department at the University of South Florida. Motto: We have facts AND snacks.
Offshore is one word. Seriously.
According to the crazy, drunken homeless guy that panhandles outside my office, this entire spill would have never happened if Corey Haim were still alive. Furthermore, Jim Joyce would have never blown that call at first if the oil spill had never happened and Willis, apparently more often than not, was talking about stuff that Arnold didn't really want to hear.
I will keep you up to date as I learn more because I am super awesome and you, well you're totally welcome.