As a train hopping hobo, I tend to move around a lot. I don't usually pay attention to where I am because it's all basically the same when you get down to it. But my most recent move may have been a mistake. You see, I'm right down the road from that monstrous tabloid she-thing called the Octomom.
Now my grasp of current events and celebrity gossip is hit or miss at best, so I'm not quite sure of her back story other than the fact that it somehow involves atomic radiation and Spiderman. I think the headcount on her demon spawn is up to fourteen so far according to the media, but those are just the normal ones. She throws out all the freaks and mutants. I should know; they all end up in my dumpster.
There I was, minding my own business, peacefully asleep on a pile of trash bags in the shaded comfort of a nice spacious bin when I saw the crack of sunlight from the lid opening and something about the size of a six legged baby being tossed at me. Upon closer inspection it turned out to be, in fact, a six legged baby. I named it Spiderbaby. I had just woken up, and I wasn't feeling especially creative.
So I raised Spiderbaby in the dumpster as if it were my own, and by that I mean didn't feed it or pay attention to it. Luckily the dumpster was full of food-like items, so Spiderbaby was able to forage. It still had two arms, so it could manage just fine.
A few days later the bitch tossed another baby in the dumpster. This one had six arms. I called it Spiderbaby 2. The following week was Spiderbaby 3, who had four arms and four legs.
Now I got to thinking, there has got to be a market for this. My first thought was sell them to India and try to pawn them off as gods, but then I thought, no, India has tons of these. They just cut off the extra limbs and sell them to restaurants or something. You'd think they'd have more respect for Shiva babies than that. Maybe they all turned Christian, who knows.
But even if I did sell them, should I separate them, or would they be worth more as a set? Separately they're just novelty items, but together they're an entire sideshow! I could get them costumes like the X-Men and train them to fight the forces of evil! Or they could fight the forces of good, I don't care. As long as I get to watch a six legged man kick somebody's ass. Hell, they might even be girls, I never checked.
Holy shit, I just thought of something: six legged stripper! I'm going to be so fucking rich if Spiderbaby is a girl. Of course, then I have to wait until she's 18. Right now she's only like… not even one, so that's gonna take forever. I wonder if I can keep her in a safety deposit box and just take her out on the weekends for kung fu lessons. What am I saying, no bank is going to let me inside. Even the ones I used to own.
But a few days after Spiderbaby 3, Octomom came back around to ditch a normal kid. It was a boy, about ten years old.
ME: What the hell, kid?
KID: Momma had to get a haircut, said she had to throw away another kid cuz we eat too much.
ME: Well, you're sitting on half a sandwich, knock yourself out.
KID: Thank you sir.
ME: Just make sure you share it with the spiderbabies. They're gonna be my stripper mutant vigilante death squad when they grow up.
KID: Can I stay here with you forever?
ME: Depends. How are good are you with kids?
Before he could answer, the spiderbabies jumped on him and ate him alive. Just like I taught them to.
