Last night, my friend Taryn was moving into her new house. I was IMed (which, I would've been called had not my cell been disconnected…because I haven't paid the bill in three months) and asked to help in exchange for free beer.
I said, “Sure.”
She said, “Then come over.”
I said, “Okay.”
And then, I left.
When I got to her new house, I helped her move a few very small things and then was able to meet perhaps the coolest mother on the planet.
First thing, after I introduced myself, she tells me that she's also a fervent atheist, and instead of getting shit for saying “Oh my God,” she will now say “Oh my Gaudio!” I told her to continually say this.
Second, once the moving was done, the keg was picked up, and Taryn's Mom showed us a banana and called it “Bill Clinton's cock,” she and I played beer pong as a team. She gave us our name, “The Godless Heathens,” and told me that everytime I make a cup, Baby Jesus cries. In the first rack, Taryn's Mom only made one, but in overtime she made one and double overtime she made another one. I got us through to the next game making 5-2-2 and gloating the entire way. It was a lot easier to distract a team with a self-proclaimed “feeble-minded, elderly woman” saying shit to the other team like “Your vagina looks like two beagle ears pressed together” and “Hey Taryn, your dad and I had sex.”
So after her first game, Taryn's mom turned it on and made 3 in a row. I made the next three and other than ONE FUCKING REDEMPTION shot falling in for the other team, it was basically a skunk. Taryn's mom did it again in the next game and we gloated and gloated. Then, we lost, but who gives a fuck? haha. Winning your first three games of beer pong is a statement about your character, really.
So, Taryn's Mom: We here at Nick Gaudio Enterprises (bankrupt since 2002) sal-a-lute you. Congratulations for making so many cups in your first outting in beer pong, and also, thank you for spinning a phrase that we atheists may all use from now on.
Oh my Gaudio.
Also, for shits, I'm taking a poll…
What's a best word for the female reproductive organs?
a) Vagina
b) Pussy
c) Twat
d) Cunt
e) Other
I'd say B, simply because I'd rather hear a girl say “Put it in my pussy” than “Put it in my Vagina” or whatever.
Your thoughts?