C:\> cd games
C:\GAMES> cd bored and restless
C:\GAMES\BOREDOMTAKESITSTOLL\ textbased.exe
Boredom and Friends: What Happened Last Night?
Copyright (c) 2007 Lopatka Inc. All rights reserved.
Loading saved game. Please wait.
Game loaded.
Summary: You have done absolutely jack shit. So far you put on some pants, checked your voice mail, and literarily jacked off. Oh, you also planted a tree. Go green.
>Look around.
You are standing outside of the west dormitory. Even though you love the nightlife, you are happy for the floodlighting that was recently installed around campus due to the complaints of various female students who were tired of old drunkards trying to stick dirty hands up their skirts. A tree provides a dark space for students to do dirty deeds. You can go north towards the local dive bar, south towards the library or east to the science building.
>To the bar!
That’s my kind of adventure!
Going into the bar, you do a quick of the scan of the place. At the end of the bar, your exe in all her glory sits, waiting for the next sap with a quarter. Your best friend is sitting at one of the round tables, starting an impromptu game of beer pong. A man named Little John nervously glances around the room, looking for a soul to steal, I mean, looking for an easy sell.
>Talk to Little John
Little John is not interested; he is looking for Maid Marion.
>Ask Little John for some blow.
Little John looks at you uncomfortably. He knows he shouldn’t have taken his girlfriend’s advice on how to spice up their relationship. He will never pretend to be some hardened drug dealer for sex again.
>Ask Little John for blow in exchange for blow.
Little John contemplates punching you in the face. Instead he reconsiders. “Would you like to go to an after-hours party?”
You can say:
a) “Sure.”
b) “No, man, I don’t play with little boys like that.”
c) “Will your girlfriend be there?”
d) “Will you have those little cookies your mom makes? She bakes the best special brownie bars ever, dude.”
>”Sure”
“Would you recreate that scene for me in Requiem for a Dream?” A smile grows on the man’s face. I think you’re gonna get raped.
You can say:
a) “Bad touch, Mister Man, that’s a bad touch.”
b) “No means no.”
c) “Okay.”
>”Okay.”
The man tells you the address for the party. It just so happens to the address of the dorm room you just escaped. I think you might have bugged this man before.
>Go to party.
You have to wait until after-hours. You have an hour left until the bar closes. What do you do?
>Talk with friend.
“Heya James, what’s the deal with picking up Little John? You know he’ll never sell you the blow. He’s not even gay.” Jimmy Dean takes a swig from the water cup. “One of these days, his girlfriend is going to make you pay for bugging her precious Little Johnny.”
You can say:
a) “I’m just desperate man. It’s been awhile since I got the good stuff.”
b) “I’m not gay.”
c) “Little John’s a dude?”
d) “Hey do you know what happened to me last night?”
>”I’m not gay.”
“Whatever you say, kid. I was brought up to believe that when a dude wanted a dude, he was happy in his own little way. The straights call that happiness “homosexuality” and that man “gay” because of it.” Your friend takes another swig from the water cup. God your friend sucks.
You can say:
a) “But I’m always gay on Tuesdays, and Little John has such a nice ass.”
b) “But I love you in ways that can not be confined by guy love.”
c) “But I’m a woman.”
>”But I’m a woman.”
“I think you’re losing your marbles, James or is it Tuesday already?”
You can:
a) Say “Yes, it is in fact Tuesday.”
b) Tell him it’s okay to come out of the closet. You will still love him as a friend.
c) Show him what losing your marbles is all about.
>Lose marbles.
You smile at your best friend, leaning in closer and closer. When your faces are about to touch, you let out screech that is only rivaled by banshees and your x-girlfriend. You turn the table over and spill approximately 16 drinks in the process. The girl your friend was obviously trying to hit on all night long makes her escape as the bartender asks you to leave. Before you can answer, the buffest guys in the joint are already kicking your ass out onto the street. You have 45 minutes left until the party, what do you choose to do?
>Pray to Allah.
Allah refuses to answer your pathetic pleas for attention. Try some other deity.
>Look around.
You are outside of the bar. The gutter is servicing as your seat and the telephone pole sports many signs. A few people have walked by and each and every one of them has done whatever they could to avoid you. I think your reputation as a spoiled little git is preceding you.
>Look on telephone pole.
There is a sign for some lost cat by the name of Jet. Another sign is for a get rich quick scheme. Half a dozen signs are for some failing small town band that could use a good pounding.
>Look at get rich quick scheme.
It promises you riches beyond your wildest dreams if you just call the number.
>Call the number.
You call the number in false hopes of multi-digit paychecks and ability to erase debt. The lady on the other side of the phone line asks for your name and address. Feeling a bit mean spirited, you give the name, address, phone number, and bank account number of your best friend. He only has like two dollars in there anyways.
>Die trying like 50 cent.
Don’t worry. You will when the student loans become too much for you. You will try to make a career as a rap singer. Too bad no one wants to hear Hungarian rap music.
>Go to party.
Fine! You can to the stupid party. You won’t like it.
You arrive at the dorm room. The room is locked so you try to bang the door using nothing but your puny little arms. A half-naked woman answers the door. She looks very pissed.
“What do you want Jimmy? Didn’t you learn your lesson last night?”
You can say:
a) “I just wanted some blow.”
b) “Little John sent me.”
c) “How much is it for one night stand? All I’ve got is two quarters and it’s between you or the rocket ride at Wal-mart.”
d) “Wanna recreate some movie magic ala Requiem for a Dream?”
>“Wanna recreate some movie magic ala Requiem for a Dream?”
A slow smile forms at the corners of her mouth. “Sure Jimmy. Just step right inside.”
Inside of the room you see your knight-in-shinning-armor Little John, who apparently was about to get it on with the mysterious angry chick.
>Blow Little John one last time.
You make your way towards Little John and drop yourself on your knees. You start to paw at his crotch only to be sucker punched to the face. I don’t think he likes you like that. Maybe you should try hitting on someone else or being a little more subtle with your intentions.
Interestingly enough, the little woman gladly gives you what you came for. She bestows upon you the best coke in all the land. She urges you to use it right now.
>Blow the coke!
You blow the coke only to realize that while it was pleasantly cherry flavored, it was really just some tranquilizers. As you fade in and out of consciousness you realize that this is exactly what happened last night. Right before you black out you hear some of the scariest words know to man: “Little John, will you pass the anal lube?”
Congratulations! You finished the game with a score of -89 points. Maybe you should find yourself a good dealer before trying to get virtual coke.
Thank you PFY, Annoy, and Court.
P.S. Yes, this idea was a total cop out. Something with effort later.
Labels: another series, it's over hooray, text based adventure games