I attended New York University for my undergrad, then moved to Colorado and then worked in NYC for a few years. So my Thanksgiving tradition is actually more with one of best friend's family than my own. Except for this year. I spent this Turkey Day with my own family. Here's a few of my adventures:
WEDNESDAY
I start packing stuff for the long weekend. I still haven't decided how long I'll stay, but just in case I pack a few extra pairs of undies and socks, and three dress shirts. I've also decided to return some of the random stuff I've "borrowed" from my dad. It's kind of a family sport to steal things from my father to see if he even realizes they're gone.
About five minutes after I leave I realize the only shoes I brought were work boots. I decide not to turn around.
I try to pick up some money from a drive-up ATM, it's gone. I wonder why, then two days later I find out somebody hooked it up to a truck and stole it. My family and I laugh profusely.
Earlier in November I gambled with my mother that I couldn't shave the entire month. This will be the first time in about ten years my mom has seen me without a beard. I wonder if she'll even notice. I purposely hide my face with my scarf to make the surprise even bigger. I walk to the door to my parents' house. Then I turn around and return to my car. I make an effort to hide all the weed I brought. Now I walk up and open the door.
KC: "Boy, its sure is hot in here." I remove my scarf and hat.
MOM: "You did shave! And cut your hair! You look so much cuter."
I'm pleased I made my mommy happy. Now I feel the instant urge to grow a beard, because if my mom likes something, it must be dorky. I also know my brothers are going to call me names for having a bald face.
Where are my brothers? Medium Bot is sleeping, while Lil Bot (I'm Big Bot {yes, we have Transformer nicknames for each other}) is doing something with Daisy.
KC: "Who's Daisy?"
MOM: "You're brother's girlfriend's dog."
KC: "Is she coming over?"
MOM: "The girl or the dog?"
KC: "Either."
MOM: "I don't know."
We sit around eating some snacks. Medium Bot shows up. We talk and eat more snacks.
KC: "Where the fuck is Lil Bot?"
The phone rings. My mom answers. She leaves the room. We overhear, "Is it deep? Do you want to go to the hospital? Is there pus and stuff coming out of it? Well, come over and I'll clean it up."
MOM: "Your brother was attacked by a dog."
My dad, Med Bot and I all laugh. My mom is a nurse, so sympathy for injuries is pretty lacking in our household. Except for the little baby Lil Bot, who shows up in a few minutes, along with Daisy.
Lil Bot shows off his dog bite wounds. My mom is concerned, but my dad, Med Bot and I are more entertained by Daisy the Dog – who looks like a cross between a Rottweiler, something red and a gorilla. She's super nice, sweet and big. She farts a lot, steals from our dad and snores. Daisy instantly becomes part of the family.
Lil Bot describes the dog fight. Daisy beat the crap out of a Chow Chow. Lil Bot pulled then punched Daisy because she wouldn't let go of the other dog. I told him the best way to get a dog to open its mouth is to stick your finger in its butt-butt (it's true, I've heard and read this on multiple occasions). How you manage to get your finger in a pissed off dog's butt is beyond me.
Lil Bot shows me his arm. I say, "They're just scratches. You'll be fine. Don't be a bitch and go to the hospital." He complains about how hard they hurt. I call him a pussy.
THURSDAY
Lil Bot shows up. "I can't move my hand." My mom decides the wound is infected. We take him to the hospital. My mom ends up leaving so she can start cooking dinner, but still calls me every five minutes to ensure Lil Bot won't die.
"Do you get a lot of dog bites?" Lil Bot asks. The doc replies, "Yes. And a lot of cat and human bites." We look at him. "It's the holidays. Some folks get out of hand." We laugh.
The doc says his hand isn't broken, but he'll need a tetanus shot. Lil Bot admits to his fear of needles. I laugh. The gayest male nurse ever enters with a screwdriver and asks my brother to take his shirt off. I laugh some more. Then I realize the screwdriver is a hypodermic needle full of anti-tetanus juice. But it's not for me, so I ask my brother if he's going to cry. He tells me to fuck off and this is all my fault.
I tell him if he just gave his dog the shocker he wouldn't be in this predicament. The gay nurse giggles. Then stabs my brother in the arm.
We sign the papers and Lil Bot is released from the ER. He asks me to drive him to his place so he can get some dog food and "alternative medicine." We pick up some prescription antibiotics and some guy with swine flu tries to pick a fight with Lil Bot. I'm too busy looking at Chia Pets to notice.
Finally, after all this bullshit it's time for Thanksgiving appetizers. It's been so long since I've spent the holidays with my own family, I forget our traditions. Which basically means we sit around and eat stuff. Daisy fucks around. I try to guess what she will and won't eat: she eats everything except for a paper towel covered in spinach dip.
About ten minutes before it's Turkey Time (my favorite time besides seeing my brother in writhing pain) Medium Bot takes a phone call. He returns with two jerseys. "Sorry gang, my buddy has an extra ticket to the Broncos game. Should I wear a Giants or a Broncos jersey?" I tell him how my buddy was jumped at the last game because he wore a Steelers jersey. He dons some orange and ditches us.
We don't care, so we eat. And then eat some more. We take naps. I leave for my shift at the bar with a stuffed mouth.
FRIDAY
Nothing cool happens on Friday.
SATURDAY
Lil Bot and I planned a video game day. He owns Left 4 Dead 2 and I haven't played it yet. But I played the shit out of the original L4D. But I can't play because Daisy escaped from a fenced yard, so Lil Bot picks her up from the pound.
I have nothing to do so I hit the gym. I literally knock the stuffing out of a heavy bag. I feel really tough. Then I realize the zipper just broke open. I don't feel so tough.
Finally, Lil Bot and I meet up for some serious zombie slayage. We kill about 1,600 undead motherfuckers. We beat the level. I'm infatuated with L4D2.
But there's more eating to do. My mom is determined to have everybody present for one family meal (minus Daisy) during the holidays. We eat at Macaroni Grill. It's alright. I hate Parmeisan cheese, so everybody orders extra to annoy me.
We truck back to my parents' house. I pack up my stuff. I didn't pack enough undies or socks, so I'm double dipping in an inside pair of boxers. I stole some socks from my dad.
We do some goodbye hugs. Again, my mom tells me how nice I look shaved. Med Bot pops me in the nuts and says, "Grow a beard, pussy."
My family survived Thanksgiving. But Christmas is coming up. Yay!
Happy belated Thanksgiving and Happy early Holidays!