My heavenly Father, I must speak to you.
This is a time of need for me.
I'm sorry I come to you with only problems, but this time it's serious. This is a life-and-death issue here, God.
Please give me guidance in this matter:
What razor will give me a close, comfortable shave, for a price I can afford?
God: My son, my son. The answer is simple. I have just the right thing for you. It's called the Schick Quattro Titanium and it makes all other razors its bitch.
This is genius, God! No wonder ‘they' made you God! You are all-knowing! Thank you so much, God, I will never ask anything of you again!
God: Please, please, it is no problem, my son. This is what I do. I recommend the Schick Quattro Titanium to people, like it ain't no thing. That thing has more blades on it than I could ever imagine or dream. And I'm God, for God's sakes! Now damn girl why don't you go out to your local Wal-Mart right fuckin' now and pick yourself up a couple packs of Schick Quattro Titanium razors? They are ungodly good! I devoted a whole chapter of the Bible to it, but my editor took it out. So I said ‘fuck it' and didn't write anything for the Bible at all. SCHICK QUATTRO TITANIUM DISPOSABLE RAZORS – They'll give you a clean, close, comfortable shave, leaving your skin soft, smooth, and touchable.
Thank you God, oh thank you! How can I possibly pay you back?
God: Handjob.