Today here in Tampa, many people are mourning the death of four cute white kids who died in a car accident while racing. When asked for a comment, someone close to the children said, "I hear McCarthy won't let Favre play. What an outrage."
On the national scene, presidential candidate Barack Obama was recently accused of changing his stance on oil drilling in America and offshore. When asked for clarification, Obama stated that he was only fine-tuning his position as a response to immediate oil demand and that his long term position certainly had not changed. "Furthermore," added the presidential hopeful, "I think Brett Favre really could have handled this whole situation better."
In financial news, prices at the pump fell for the twentieth day in a row as a direct result of decreasing oil prices and Brett Favre's boyish love for the game.
Also in financial news, Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae reported losses that were much bigger than expected. When asked for comment, Freddie spokesman Pete Weller said, "If the Packers don't start Favre, they'll be the ones facing significant losses."
In entertainment news, the new Batman movie, something Knight or whatever, made boatloads of money that its producers are obligated to share with Heath Ledger's parents, who, when contacted, said that they would trade all the cash in the world just to "get Favre one more year in the NFL."
And in terrorism news (what would you call it?), Osama Bin Laden's driver was found guilty of, well, just generally hanging out with Osama Bin Laden. In response to news of the driver's upcoming sentencing, Al Qada called for, "The immediate reinstatement of Brett Favre to first on the Packer's depth chart at QB."
In medical news, new advancements in neuron simulation and gene mapping have allowed for what scientists hope will be a great advancement in the treatment and eventual curing of Lou Gehrig's Disease (ALS). When asked about the subject, long time ALS sufferer Leon Peek said, "I hope Brett Favre's stools aren't too lose. A man's only as strong as his craps."
In weather news, Texas suffered power losses and one death when hurricane Edouard defied its French name and actually did some damage. Hurricane advisory board president, Mr. Helio Jacko said that response to the hurricane was top notch and that, in his opinion, "The game owes Brett Favre the right to play as long as he wants, wherever he wants."
In economic news, unemployment reached a long-time high of six percent as workers are cutting employers left and right with the goal of sustaining profitability. When asked for a comment, recently unemployed Steve Jacobs said, "Did you hear favre turned down 25 million dollars over ten years not to play football? They would have paid him to do nothing. I mean, I'm getting paid to do nothing too but they only give me two hundred fifty bucks a week. Favre's a crazy man."
And finally, from the world of sports, Brett Favre has been declared a saint by Pope Benedict, who swears that "If Jesus played football, he would have played it like Favre."