I'd like to preface this by admitting that I'm not a huge gamer. In fact, I only play when I'm drunk and hangin out at a buddy's apartment. I love multiplayer games, so most of these are that. There's really no point to play video games alone, I think. But then again, I'm not a band dweeb. I'm an English nerd.
So here we go.
10. Super Smash Brothers Melee (Gamecube)
There's something really inherently hilarious about using Pikachu to swordfight with Dr. Mario. Call it nostalgia or just the fact that I have a seriously fucked-up sense of humor. I'd say the best thing to do is play alil Rage while you kick your buddy's ass with Mr. Game & Watch's frying pan attack.
Salt the wounds with laughter.
9. Fable (XBOX)
Isn't Multiplayer, but we have little drinking games for it. For instance, the game allows you to fuck chicks. You give your buddy ten minutes to fuck as many lasses as he can. For every dame he fucks, everybody drinks 5. If he gets a guy in the mix (which is possible and the sound affects are fucking hilarious), it's a bonus 10 drinks he can give out to anybody. I'm sure one can make a drinking game to any RPG like that, but it's funny as hell to see a guy with horns sweeten up a dame and then a dude.
8. Super Mario Bros. 3 (SNES)
Okay, so it isn't a multiplayer game per se either; however, the levels are long enough to feel satisfied that you beat one and short enough that you can easily wait 2-4 turns deep. Not to mention, if your buddy slips up and dies, you can laugh at him and steal the controller.
The mini-games make this one the best Mario game for drunk people. Mainly because everybody likes the suits and boxes yet nobody can line up those fucking horizontal slot-machine-like things. Also, because each King is a stereotype and it's fun to make fun of Arabs and Darkies.
7. Mortal Kombat 3 (SNES)
Other than two douchebags calling Sub-Zero vs. Scorpion first, it's always fun to use Cyrax vs. Sektor. Though, we all know Scorpion and Cyrax are better. Again, I'm all for nostalgia and this is a game nearly all my buddies played as kids. So, when you win; you can project yourself back to 4th grade and know that you probably would've won then, too. Not only that, if you can remember any fatalities… you've got the Man-crown for the night.
6. Grand Theft Auto Vice City (Playstation 2)
Again, not a multiplayer game; but a bad-ass game nonetheless. The best thing to do is unlock every cheat-code possible and think of fucked up things to do with any combination motorcyles, flame throwers and prostitutes. We have a drinking game associated with this one too, but to be honest…I can't remember it. Usually GTA comes around after Beer Pong and Kings, yet before our usual nightly stop off at Taco Bell and Adult Novelties Inc.
5. Goldeneye (N64)
Not only is the first game I became addicted to as a kid; it was the first game I masturbated to. Big nostaliga points there; but not only that, you've got to remember the Golden Gun. Oh and THE KLOBB SUCKS DICK. If only Xenia Onatopp would do that too.
4. Mario Kart (SNES)
Two words: Battle mode. Sure, it's fun to race through the game and use those fucking red shells; but in all honesty, there's nothing better than seeing those little balloons float away or stealing a 3-shell with a ghost. I prefer Luigi, simply because his victory speach: “I'M-A LUIGI; I'M-A NUMBER ONE!” is basically…well it's my sentiments exactly. I can relate to him, what can I say?
3. Halo 1 or 2 (XBOX)
These are, by far, the games I'm best at. My friends won't even play them anymore because nobody's close. It just so happens that these games are the most inducive to smack-talk of all games, perhaps of all time. There's no reason for one of your good buddies to bitch when you get “UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE.” He just sucks that fucking much.
Also, to make for a better experience…utilize (Down) on your opponent's corpse.
“Hey Josh, look, I'm shitting in your mouth. How does that taste? Does it taste good? Because it sure feels good to shit in your mouth. Mmm. I wonder what it'd be like to be dead like that and be shit on by this guy. I bet it'd be pretty rough. Is it? The reason I'm wondering is because I haven't died yet. Isn't that funny to you? It is to me. It's not funny? I guess you shouldn't die so often. It's really funny when you can kill somebody and shit on them like this. And better than that, I've just had Mexican.”
2. Duckhunt (NES)
Slap on some gangster rap and cock that red glock to the side, nigga. DMX ain't got nothin on you; it's just that fucking DOG. Duck hunt is only not #1, in my book, because if you and your buddies have eyes, the game can last for a pretty long time per turn. Sometimes, it's best to play the first duck miss removes that player's turn; but then again, it's hard to convince your drunk friends to give up the gun…especially when you're drunk too:
“H-hey, hey…hey…hey….hey…hey….hey g-give..give—hey, give me that.”
“Nahhh man i got this man; i got thissssssssssssss”
“DUDE.”
“Fuck that dog, mannnnn.”
1. Guitar Hero I or II (Playstation 2)
Admittedly, I'm jaded. I love rock n' roll. Moreover, I can't play real guitar. So, it works out that all I want to do is play “Sweet Child Of Mine,” “Crossroads,” and of course, “Free Bird” all night. Plus, the game gets easier with each drink you take (to a point). I also enjoy the ability to get down on the ground and just flip out on the easy repetitive songs like “Heart-shaped Box.”
Not to mention this simple fact: Guitar Hero makes you grow some nuts. After tearin up “Killing in the Name of” you just feel like going out and kicking somebody in the fucking throat.
Yeah, and that's why it's my number one.
And that's it.
I'm-a Nick Gaudio; I'm-a number one.