I'm in the backseat of the 1960's Batmobile, laughing with Megan Fox as we slowly make love for the third time today. As we watch, the Dinobots eat Michael Bay. Grimlock, the robotic Tyrannosaurus Rex, gives me a high five and tells me I'll never go bald and if I drink enough Pepsi Zero, NASA will ask me to go on the next supersecret Venus explorer mission. I'll get my own monkey sidekick and my choice of either a squeaky-clean Nickelodeon teen star or a dirty porn sensation. Megan Fox does not like this, so she asks Grimlock to kick me in the balls.
I'm not in the backseat of the Batmobile. I'm in the rear of a Korean bus that's five degrees Celsius too hot and going 30 KPH too fast. I sure as hell am not with Megan Fox or Grimlock, but my testicles moan in agony. This isn't even one of my "My Organs and I" pieces. No hot sex but real pain. That much is certain.
I groggily turn to my friend, Robot, who sits next to me. "Dude, why the fuck did you pop me in the goods?"
He looks back at me with his eyebrow cocked. "Why the hell would I punch you in the nuts? I don't know half the places those things have been. I'm never touching them."
"Well who the fuck cracked me in the Twins?"
"I don't know. We're alone back here. You were sleeptalking about going to a spaceship with Lindsay Lohan or something. I figured you were passed out and dreaming. What's wrong with your boys?"
"Shit. Feels like. Not a testes tap. Like, a slow squeeze. Like when the doctor makes you turn your head and cough, but he's not letting go."
"Maybe it's testicular torsion. You know, your sack gets all twisted."
"How's that happen?"
"I don't know. Somersaults or rollercoasters or something."
"Did I do any of that last night?"
"How should I know? I fell asleep three hours before you. What's the last thing you remember?"
"Reading a really boring book and falling asleep."
"Not on the bus, before you blacked out last night."
"Um, watching Transformers 1. Which really sucks more than I gave it credit for."
"But Megan Fox is hot."
"Dude. Seriously. It's like she sat on my hairy bean bag, but won't get off of them."
"Well, that's enough information for the rest of my life," Robot says with a half smile that shows he's trying to find a way to quickly end this conversation. "Did you eat anything out of the ordinary?"
"Dude, it's Korea. Everything's out of the ordinary. There are fish bits in the granola bars. And I've been with you the whole day. The only things we've eaten were barbecue, kimchi and that seaweed soup. Which, was all awesome by the way."
"Maybe your balls hurt because you haven't been laid since 1997."
"No. Asshole. I got laid twice on Thursday. Today is Sunday. I don't know. Can you get too many vitamins?"
"From what? Kimchi and BBQ chicken?"
"No. That red multivitamin drink in the fridge of the love motel*."
"You actually touched something in that love motel? And then drank it?"
"Dude, I was thirsty. It was cold and factory sealed. What's there to worry about it?"
"What was on the label?"
"Who cares?"
"I don't, but if you want to find out why your coin purse is throbbing with pain, you can tell me what was on the label of the drink."
"Uh. Raspberries. Purple and blue."
"Wow KC. Can your Mekaneck turn off the feeling below your waist?"
"Why?"
"Because you drank a berry-flavored Korean Viagra drink.** Your fire eggs are probably pumping ten times as much testosterone as usual."
"Well why was the boner drink right next to the bottles of water?" I whine.
"I don't know dude. It's a love motel. It's for making love. Even though we just used it as a room to pass out in, most of the time love motels are for getting it on. And apparently, some dudes need a super-boner drink to get the old noodle to harden up."
"My balls are fucking killing me. What should I do?"
"Go bang as fast as possible."
"We're on a fucking bus in the fucking middle of fucking nowhere!" I groan. "Can you give me something to take my mind off of the aches in my jewels?"
"We don't even have any booze from last night. And my iPod is dead, but my girlfriend left her copy of Pride and Prejudice in my backpack."
"You know, I'll rather just deal with the ball pain. Do you think if I just, um, ‘take care of myself' that this ball pain will relieve itself?"
"KC, I've already shared a love motel with you. Now we're talking about your balls. I really really don't want to get into your self-pleasure habits."
"But it hurts so bad!"
"So either learn to read Korean or get a really slutty Korean girlfriend as soon as possible."
THE END
*A love motel is a Korean motel which is basically a bed and a shower. It's for making the sex. Sometimes for hookers. It's also for you and your drunk friends when no other hotel will accept you because you're 1. Too drunk. 2. It's past 5:30 a.m. 3. You're American. These are all the reasons why I ended up sleeping on the floor of a no-tell, hotel.
**Always read the labels of whatever you eat or drink. You never know when you're going to get roofied or accidentally have a three-hour boner.