Welcome back to a new feature I like to call: Translating English into English. Basically, how this works is: our politicians and representatives tell us stuff and I attempt to make sense out of it. For example, the sentence: "Obama will work with Congress to use parts of the economic stimulus package to fund a program that would give consumers a "generous credit" when they replace an older, less fuel-efficient car and buy a new, cleaner vehicle" would translate into: "The present administrators will be controlling not only your purchasing power, but the items you purchase as well, all in the name of protecting you, which is total bullshit."
Today, we here at Translating English into English are focusing on various reactions from government officials and auto industry executives as per the American administration's plan to "aid" the struggling auto industry. A bunch of weasels have opinions and know how to lie. Fortunately for y'all though, I know what they mean when they lie (rats know rats, snakes know snakes and storytellers know storytellers).
On to the quotes. Rich weasels are in bold. I'm in my underwear.
"We have significant challenges ahead of us and a very tight timeline. I am confident that the GM team will succeed and that a stronger, healthier GM will play an important role in revitalizing America's economy and re-establishing its technology leadership and energy independence." — GM CEO Fritz Henderson
"We are being taken over by a corrupt government. I am confident that within ten years, the auto industry will be one of many completely nationalized industries (much like the airline and banking industries) and (much like the soon-to-be-tax-exempt media) will aid in the destruction of entrepreneurism, capitalism and freedom."
"I want to personally assure all of our customers, dealers, suppliers and employees that Chrysler will operate ‘business as usual' over the next 30 days. While we recognize that we still have substantial hurdles to resolve, Chrysler is committed to working closely with Fiat, the administration, U.S. Treasury and the task force to secure the support of necessary stakeholders." — Chrysler Chairman and CEO Bob Nardelli
"I wish I could assure everyone in the world that the phrase ‘business as usual' means something. While we recognize that we are one of many failing business, we still have to do whatever our rulers say because they control the money supply. Chrysler is committed to partnering with Fiat because Fiat is an Italian company all about socialism and doing what its rulers say; furthermore, we are gonna have to work closely with the administration (because they own us), the US Treasury (because they own us) and the task force (because they were forced upon us) with the support of necessary stakeholders (which is pretty much the aforementioned administration). Ergo, this sucks donkey balls."
"The road ahead is going to be very difficult and painful, although as the president said, there is potential for both companies to emerge from restructuring as stronger, more competitive companies." — Democratic U.S. Rep. John Dingell
"This whole process is gonna produce cars people won't want while simultaneously handing complex factory infrastructure to the US Government. None of the Big Three will emerge from this as anything more than weak welfare recipients destined to die a slow death at the hands of more successful foreign competition."
"Today is another tough day in a long running series of tough days for Detroit and our domestic auto industry. … The President and the Auto Task Force have now determined that they know better how to run these complex manufacturing organizations and are going to force changes. By implementing these changes they now become accountable for achieving success. Accountable for the jobs, accountable for the livelihoods of the families which are at stake and accountable for the survival of American manufacturing." — Republican U.S. Rep. Candice Miller
"Today marks another triumph for the collectivists that specialize in taking your freedom and purchasing power. We, as republicans, will pretend to be pissed (because that's the party line) while happily accepting the fact that we are now a part of one of the most suffocating and alienating ruling classes in the world. This is kinda neat.
"Whatever we do, there is simply too much at stake to let the American auto industry fail. That's why I'm willing to do whatever it takes to revive the industry and help its workers make the transition to produce clean-energy vehicles and compete in the 21st-century economy." — Democratic U.S. Rep. Mark Schauer
"Ha ha ha ha ha. If people wanted clean energy vehicles, they would buy them of their own accord. If the American auto industry failed, new opportunities for newer companies would naturally take over the market through a process called "competition." That's why I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that we control every aspect of your life, you stupid barbecue-sauce-stained yokels. You see, rulers hate competition. We're kind of like God like that."
"One of the most striking points of today's decision is the president's statement that he is ‘absolutely committed' to the United States leading the world in building the next generation of clean cars. Presidents rarely make absolute commitments. This is a very notable and very appropriate one." — Democratic U.S. Sen. Carl Levin
"Man, this dude can lie well but not as well as I. Presidents, as we all know, never say absolutes like "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" or "No new taxes" or "Mission accomplished." Nope, presidents are not known for stating absolutes and then backing out on their promises. All they do is equivocate and speak in vague terms. Wow, I can't believe we get away with this tripe."
"Instead of moving to help the auto industry begin a turnaround and build a future for American autoworkers, the announcement is official today that millions of autoworkers may be abandoned. That is disheartening and more than worrisome." — Republican U.S. Rep. Mike Rogers
"Worrisome," he added. "For people who are not me or my friends so fuck ‘em."
"I support a constructive process that allows General Motors and Chrysler to restructure and emerge from the current economic downturn as stronger companies, with a minimal number of jobs lost. The city of Detroit will work very hard to minimize the negative impact restructuring will have on Detroit and those working in the auto industry." — Detroit Mayor Kenneth V. Cockrel Jr.
"You're giving us more money, right?"
"The actions taken by the White House are disappointing on many levels. Government often cannot be trusted to run itself, so we should all be hesitant to trust it to run our state's most critical industry. It is extremely disturbing for any arm of government to so intimately involve itself in the operations of a private company." — Michigan Republican Party Chairman Ron Weiser
"But we'll do it anyway because we're all for anything that brings us more power and makes it easier to rule you and pocket your wealth. Thanks and all that."
"It is now up to all of the involved parties to take the necessary and effective steps on a path that allows us to weather the global financial crisis and economic recession and reaffirms a strong domestic auto industry." — Democratic Rep. Sander Levin
"It is now up to all of the involved parties to power grab as many chunks of private industry as we can because the American people have completely forgotten that their Constitution and Bill of Rights were originally constructed in part out of a fear of absolute rule and tyranny."
"The president has offered General Motors and Chrysler more time, but time alone isn't enough. The real test will be whether President Obama uses this time to support the auto companies as they strive to achieve the lofty objectives his task force has demanded." — Republican U.S. Rep. Gary Peters
"Obama was smart enough to place arbitrary goals that are impossible to reach and deadlines that ensure that the US Government will own the providers of ground transportation in addition to its previous claim on air transportation. Owning you is our goal and lying to you is just a small part of how we make that happen. We rule! Quite literally, in fact."
"With today's announcement, the Obama administration has sent a strong signal that it is committed to a vibrant domestic auto industry. … The state of Michigan will continue to work with the Obama administration and the industry to ensure that both are successful in this effort to create a vibrant domestic auto industry and to help those affected by their actions." — Democratic Gov. Jennifer Granholm
"Hey, you know who the last ruler was to consolidate and socialize auto manufacturers in the interest of creating a vibrant industry? Adolf Hitler. But don't worry about that. After all, he never spoke in absolutes."
"I am especially troubled, despite the dire situation confronting General Motors, that all the stakeholders wouldn't come to the table to negotiate a viable plan. The stakes could not be higher — it is critical that these next 60 days produce a settlement to keep GM and its workers productive and our manufacturing base solvent." — Republican U.S. Rep. Fred Upton
"GM workers haven't been productive in forever. Our manufacturing base hasn't been solvent in a long damn time. But the present administration has still managed to create a sense of urgency. It's amazing what you can do when the people are idiots."
"We're in an atmosphere now where if we can accept the idea that the taxpayers can pay that bailout, everybody on Wall Street, bailout the banks and big business, there is nothing that can't be funded, nothing that can't be appropriated, everything will be appropriated. There will be no cuts; there will only be one limitation on what we have going on today and that limitation will be the value of the dollar." — Republican U.S. Congressman Ron Paul
Actually, that one's pretty spot on. Maybe that dude should be in charge.