You know what my most regrettable weakness is? Not being able to memorize stuff. It's closely related to my inability to recall certain things I've done in the past, but at least having a bad memory doesn't affect the events themselves. Having no capacity for memorization actually prevents me from doing things (or at least doing them well).
For example:
Because I can't memorize things, I'm the guy who can play the piano pretty well, but can't prove it. Whenever I'm out with friends and there's randomly a piano around, someone will say, "Oh, Court, you play the piano right? Go play something cool." Unfortunately, a piano in front of me without sheet music is just the heaviest musical instrument possible (seriously, why couldn't I have played the flute or something? Ohh, right…). Even worse, after I break the news that I've never been able to memorize a song, someone will say something like, "Ohhh, I can play Chopsticks!!" and then show me up, because I can't even remember how to play that stupid song, even though it makes you look more like a 7th grader trying to finger a piano.
Because I can't memorize things, I was never very good at taking tests. The worst part about this is that I would still study really hard anyway. Or maybe the worst part is that I made a lot of bad grades on tests, I don't know. I like to think it's the former because you can still make bad grades without studying. And studying just takes up valuable drinking time, so memorization effectively hates alcohol.
Because I can't memorize things, I'm always having to pull my credit card out of my wallet to type in the number when I buy something online. For my first tattoo, I thought about getting my credit card number down the side of my index finger. Considering I lost two credit cards last year as a result of alcohol, this memorization alternative will expire on approximately 03/10.
Because I can't memorize things, I will never speak a foreign language. Trust me, I tried as hard as I could to learn Spanish in college. Mostly because it was a requirement to take two semesters of a language to graduate and, having received a D+ in Spanish 101 during sophomore year, I put off Spanish 102 until the summer after receiving a leather diploma cover during graduation with the words "APPROVED TO WALK – REQUIREMENTS NOT MET" on a sheet of printer paper inside instead of a diploma. Note to students: taking two years off to reflect on how poorly you did in a language class does not help you move on to the next level of that class.
Because I can't memorize things, I will never be a bartender. Or maybe I would just be the shittiest bartender ever, because no drink you order will taste the way it should. Unless you order a beer or a drink with the name of the ingredients in it, like "Jack and Coke" or "Red Bull and vodka." If I mess one of those up, it's not because I can't memorize, it's because I'm wasted—you should check to see if there's any Coke in there. Unless you actually came to the bar for a reason, then you shouldn't care.
And perhaps worst of all, because I can't memorize things, I will probably never be a stand-up comedian. Assuming I've mastered all the easy parts of the job like coming up with hilarious jokes, perfecting my timing, overcoming a small fear of public speaking, installing a retroactive childhood self-hatred, and signing autographs really well on boobs, there will still be that nagging issue of remembering more than one joke in a row. I say probably because I guess there's still a chance to come up with a creative alternative, like the time I cheated on my 9th grade Alabama History test of all the counties in the state by listing them in tiny print on a carefully shaped piece of paper taped to the inside flap of my watch band.