Weekly Awards are Fun

Healthy Food of the Week
This week's healthy food of the week is strawberries. In my opinion, fresh strawberries are proof that there is such a thing as good clean fun. Also, they're fun to eat off the bodies of girls. Oh, and they have vitamins and what not. That's important.

Random Thing I Learned this Week
This week I learned that $20 and $50 aren't my only choices for cash back at Publix. In fact, apparently I can choose any denomination of money up to $50. I learned this lesson from my checkout guy, Dontrelle. This is the first time I learned anything from a checkout person at Publix. After learning this, I thanked Dontrelle, who responded to my nicety by saying, “How long you been shopping here, you didn't know that?”

“Ten years,” I replied.

He laughed at me.

Learning stuff sucks.

Murder Suicide of the Week
There were at least five murder suicides in this country last week but all except one of them lacked teethe (i.e. they were just the typical “man kills woman then kills self” stories). So, this week I'm handing the award to Robert Garten, who murdered his wife and step-daughter before turning his gun on himself, thus saving the courts the time and trouble of convicting his crazy ass, which is nice. You know, one less thing.

Anyway, funny email about the murder suicide of the week award. This one is coming to you from Josh from Iowa.

When you first started giving out an award for the murder suicide of the week, I figured that you planned on writing about famous murder suicides in history, like Romeo and Juliette. Then after the second week of awards, I realized that you are only writing about recent murder suicides. I figured there wouldn't be enough of them for you to write about on a weekly basis, but then I found a statistic that said that there are five hundred murder suicides in this country annually. And I thought, “Holy shit! This country is sick.”

Almost immediately after I thought that, I realized that you were even sicker.

Thanks for bringing this problem to the attention of the American people the only way you know how: with classless humor.

Now that's one of those insults that it's just hard to be bothered by. I mean, Josh was right about everything he said. So anyway, thanks Josh. Asshole.

Awesome Teacher of the Week
This week's awesome teacher of the week is 35 year-old Dina Calautti, who is being charged for touching the leg of a male student, consoling him through his breakup with another classmate and exchanging emails with sexual overtones. Both parties involved (the student and teacher) deny any sexual impropriety, but no one believes them because they're both dirty sluts.

Football Moment of the Week
Got to give this one to that twisted, weird Browns field goal that went through the uprights, hit the support behind the crossbar, bounced back onto the field of play, and caused the Ravens to go from celebrating in the locker room to losing on the field. That kind of emotional yo-yo is good for entertaining me, which is why I watch TV. For me. Because I'm worth it, dammit.

Think you'd like to suggest a Nate Way Weekly Award? That's great. I think I'd like to try brain surgery, but you don't see me stumbling my drunk ass into an operating room and playing with people's vital organs, now do you?