“Hello, Fred. I know your name isn’t Fred, George, but I do not care to learn your name. For all I know, you won’t last a week. Why get attached?
Fred, you don’t seem the brightest crayon in the box. I know certain people are smarter in different ways, but somewhere along the thought process, you thought that dating my daughter was a good thing. Now, you and I both know that (insert female name here) is a very important person and should be treated as such, but I am the only one in this room that really believes it. I know that my opinion of you doesn’t count for very much in the eyes of my daughter. If she likes you, chances are I will like you either voluntarily or by force. If you make one wrong move, Fred, I do fear that I might have to make an example out of you. Just so the other guys aren’t stupid enough to pull that shit.
Since my daughter is taking the time to prep herself for what will be an enjoyable evening ending with a firm handshake (and don’t ever try to insinuate that you are doing anything more, she may be a woman to you but I still remember her in pigtails), I have a few questions for you.
What is your full name? Where do you live? What is your educational background? Have you ever been to jail? Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Don’t be like that Fred. I know it sounds like I’m asking questions off an application, but if I wouldn’t even hire you to work for me, why should I approve of you dating my daughter?
Do you even know my daughter’s political background? Are you a religious hippie? Have you ever started a cult? What were your reasons? So is money really that important to you? Don’t you realize that I am more than capable of leaving you in a ditch somewhere like Alaska? Would like to go on a fishing trip to Alaska? How about Canada? I hear there is vast, unexplored wilderness up there. We could get lost for days and no one would ever find us.
Oh hi Pumpkin, I was just chatting with Fred, George here. I think it’s great that you are willing to let me contemplate a new alibi meet this person who obviously means so much to you. Could you do me a favor and ask your mother if dinner is ready yet? Thanks kid.
I think you and I both know that this is stereotypical Girlfriend’s Father talking. A true father doesn’t need to speak any words to you because you just know that he is contemplating how many ways he could kill you before dinner is finished. Dinner is ready? Good, and Fred, you can sit next to me.”
Labels: dating, meeting rents, through another's eyes