Visits home are a constant censor-fest. I have to pause for a few seconds before I speak to make sure I’m not about to insert an unnecessary but gleeful “fuck” into a sentence. Swearing is out, but there are 3 words and phrases that are also banned for reasons I’m not entirely sure of.
1. Obviously I can’t say "damn," but I can’t even say "gosh darn it" because apparently it’s not “ladylike” to say a euphemism for a not-nice word. I also can’t use "damn" literally, as in “God damn this packing tape to hell,” because condemning things to a fiery eternity is also unladylike. So is throwing a football, but since the only perfect spiral the former “star” quarterback of my family can achieve is a downhill one to unemployment, I get away with it.
2. I learned a few years ago that the quickest way to get out of a family meal is to say “pissed off” or “that sucks.” Because “it’s not a nice phrase.” Neither is, “I think we should just shoot all the goddamned Mexicans,” but when my senile uncle says it everyone just sighs and shakes their heads. Come to think of it that tolerance might be more because of his threats to leave people out of his will than anything else.
3. I also can’t say “oh my God.” I’m pretty sure this is because somewhere in the Bible or something it says not to take the lord’s name in vain, and apparently “oh my God, look at the ponies!” is taking the lord’s name in vain. I think the only legitimate problem with saying “oh my God, look at the ponies!” is that I’m informing him of something he’s already aware of, and that has to slow down his efficiency. I assume he’s pretty busy right now, what with all the NASCAR races at the local track and starvation and stuff.