I‘m full of vitriol. The sort of aimless, unfocused vitriol that leads people to strangle stuffed animals for looking at them funny. You might call me a misanthrope, to which I would only say, "real cool Mr. Latin roots. Too good to say peoplehater? You make me sick." Here, in no particular order with no real purpose, is a list of groups currently worthy of massive derision.
People that send me stupid links. Please stop. I'm perfectly capable of using the internet to amuse myself. And you can't win. There's a huge probability that I'll find the link inane, and if I don't I'll resent you for finding something humorous that I didn't. I bet you think that makes you better than me.
Well, it doesn't. And the next person to ask me if I've seen "Stuff White People Like" because haha it's all racial is going to get a spork to their ribcage. And that will hurt way more than a spoon would. Not as much as a fork, but definitely more than a spoon.
Hey, you're voting for Obama? No way! I hadn't even heard
that he was running!!
Please stop with the facebook groups and whatnot. We all know who is running. Nobody – nobody – is sitting at home, waiting to cast their vote for whoever invites them to the most stupid groups. If you want to have a group to discuss fundraisers and meetups and whatnot, sounds great, and I wish you luck. But stop trying to sway people. Because all that's going to happen is that you're going to disappoint some sad sack who thought he might have been accidentally invited to one of those "I Lost My Phone" groups by a hot girl who thought he was somebody else because his profile picture just had a turtle wearing sunglasses.
It is ludicrous though. Where would a turtle get sunglasses?
Animal kingdom cuteness aside, I'm angry at you too, College Conservative People. Or at the least, the subset of you all with martyr complexes. Nobody is picking on for being a conservative. People are mad because you're a priggish pedantic asshat. If you ever decided to stop being a dick and start engaging in reasonable dialogue, you would hear the familiar sound of NO ONE CARING that you have a different political viewpoint.
I'd like to take a detour to say screw you to whoever was instrumental in deciding that we can drop the final two letters in dialogue. Why don't we just return to living in caves and gathering nuts and berries for supper? Why don't we just form rudimentary social structures and grow long, unkempt beards and stop shaving? Huuuh?
Speaking of which, screw you Green Party. You're up to something.
Don't think I've forgotten about you, intentionally wacky people. OH my GAWD, is she wearing RAINBOW tights? She must be soooo interesting. Look at THAT guy! He's tightrope walking. Nobody does that anymore. I bet they have awesome personalities. I mean, how could they NOT dressing like that?
People who run marathons, I loathe you too. You think your drive and determination, the effort you show in completing a task most wouldn't even fathom trying makes you impressive? That I should aspire to that kind of dedication and drive? That it shows that you are in peak physical condition?
Of course you think that, you smug little bastards. Eat a sandwich, and sit down.
Grammar snobs. Wow, you look down on people because they don't conform to your grammatical standards in idle speech? And you're somehow proud of this fact? The only time people need to be dickishly corrected is when they are being arrogant or pedantic themselves. If people are making a good faith effort to maintain a high level of discourse, THEY DON'T NEED YOU TO MAKE SURE THEY SAY WHOM. It's probably a superfluous tense, anyway.
Oh, and anybody who ever uses the word niggardly. Yeah, I know what it means. You're still an asshole, because you only used it to teach a stupid and boring etymology lesson. Cut it out, you're not clever.
In conclusion, I would like to meet Zach Braff. I would buy him a cup of coffee, and tell him how transcendent the Garden State soundtrack was, and how it redefines what it means to be indie. Then as he's smugly accepting my meaningless compliment, I would punch him in the crotch, spilling coffee all over what was doubtlessly an overpriced shirt.
Whose the well-paid movie, television star and director NOW, bitch?