The Heisman Memorial Trophy Award has a redundant name. I mean, what kind of trophy is not an award? Have you ever received a trophy you were not awarded?
"Aww shucks folks, you shouldn't have…. really."Anyway, and in case you don't know, the Heisman is awarded annually by the Heisman Trophy Trust (motto: I Can't Believe We Get Paid For This Shit) to the most outstanding player in collegiate football. Some years they get it right. Most years they get it wrong. And it doesn't really fucking matter because it's just an award.
You know who knows how little it matters? OJ fucking Simpson. He was a big man who once made a great decision: to sell his Heisman to get out of debt. And you know, they'll never take that away from him—mainly because the experience, like pretty much all experiences, was intangible.
Reggie Bush hates to see the white man suffer. That's why he dated Kim Kardashian for as long as he did.Recently, a fellow named Reggie Bush, after a couple of years of being under investigation by the NCAA, decided to return his 2005 Heisman Honorary Trophy Award Statue.
(Not to interrupt myself but does any supervisory body work slower than the NCAA? Five years for this shit? They could teach the NATO weapons inspectors how to slow it down.)
Now, I don't know why Bush turned in his trophy award, but I would have to guess that he didn't want to make the fine members of the Heisman Trophy Trust take it from him. Reggie hates to see grown men give something to a minority under the pretense of achievement only to have to take it away from him at a later date. He's a hell of a guy that Reggie Bush, hates to see the white man suffer. That's why he dated Kim Kardashian for as long as he did. True story.
Anyway, the big question on everybody's mind is: Will Nathan DeGraaf poorly imitate David Letterman and write a top ten list entitled, "Things the Heisman Trophy Trust Should Do with Reggie Bush's 2005 Heisman"?
And the answer is fuck yes.
Top 10 Things the Heisman Trophy Trust Should Do with Reggie Bush's 2005 Heisman
10. Auction it off; give the proceeds to unpaid college superstars.
9. Two words: sex party.
8. Throw the thing at Justin Bieber.
7. Get it its own reality show. You could call it, I don't know, "Keeping Up with the Hypocrisy."
6. Paris Hilton, a video tape, a few hundred dollars, and you guessed it: Heisman Porn.
"That would be the first of its kind, Dave."
What's that, Paul?
"I don't think there's any such thing as Heisman porn. I don't think that's been done yet."
You know something Paul, I think you're right. I think this would be the first of its kind.
"So you're pioneering a new porn."
Yes Paul. Ha ha!
5. They could maybe just put in on the mantle, use it as a conversation piece, you know, no big deal.
Hey, I got a Heisman on the mantle over there. Funny story about that….
4. Three words: Ditka dinner party.
3. I guess they could always sell it to OJ.
2. They could give it its own late time talk show on CBS.
Oh, that's not right.
And the number one thing the Heisman Trophy Trust should do with Reggie Bush's 2005 Heisman Trophy Award:
Sit on it and spin.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back with that one guy from True Blood.
Now, I'm sorry you people had to endure that and I thank you for going through it. You are very brave readers and that is why I promise you I will never come to any of your homes and murder you in cold blood.
Unless you're that one dude. He knows who he is.