Waking up on your bedroom floor? No big deal, you fell out of bed. Waking up on the couch? Whatever, you passed out. Waking up next to a hobo under the Fremont Bridge with your wallet in the crotch of your boxers?
Yeah, you fucked up.
Here goes—numbers 10 through 6.
10. Prison Cell, Next to a Pile of Poo
A couple of my friends went to Corvallis, Oregon to watch the OSU vs. UW football game. Naturally, UW lost, which naturally sent my buddy DevCakes into a drunken rage, which naturally made him tackle an obnoxious OSU fan, who naturally turned out to be a police officer, who naturally arrested him. Naturally, DevCakes was put in a prison cell for assaulting the officer, which he naturally found unjust, which naturally led him to take a shit in the middle of the cell in a drunken act of defiance.
Some things, I guess, just come naturally.
9. Rival Fraternity, Butt-Naked
At the University of Washington, Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) and my fraternity, Pi Kappa Alpha, are "rivals." This is primarily because we try to bang the same girls, but also because we try to fuck the same girls, sleep with the same girls, and receive blowjobs from the same girls. So when my friend AngryOven woke up naked on the top bunk in a room he didn't recognize, he was scared stiff when a group of TKEs walked in.
AngryOven: I apologize for anything I did.
TKE: You mean get a girlfriend? I'm sorry for you too.
AngryOven: Huh?
TKE (to the other TKEs): I hate when girls with boyfriends live in.
In the summer, girls move into fraternities to fill the vacancies left by guys who move home. AngryOven's girlfriend lived at TKE, and he had spent the night with her. How he forgot that his girlfriend lived across the street when it was he who helped her move in, well, let's just say that a light course load coupled with unlimited opportunities to party can do things to your memory.
8. Under a Bridge, Next to a Hobo
Sadly, this was me. My friend got a party bus for his 22nd birthday, and after endless keg stands on Interstate 5 and a dozen $1 beers at the first bar, I decided to go for a stumble. It was a pleasant night. The sky was clear, and I assume there were beautiful stars somewhere behind myriad layers of smog.
I started dialing the typical late-night drunken calls, and was halfway through an ill-intentioned conversation when I heard footsteps coming up quickly behind me. Without looking back I snapped my phone shut and began running.
They're trying to steal my wallet!
I bolted down sidewalks and flew around corners, never once chancing a glance at my pursuer.
I know, I thought, if I jam my wallet down my pants, even if they catch me they'll never get my money! With my wallet well-hidden behind my testicles, I continued running until I saw a bridge, slid down, and curled up in the fetal position in a dark corner. When I came-to an hour or so later, I was delighted to find a friendly hobo prodding me with his finger. I would have laughed, but my pursuers might have heard me.
7. Side of the Freeway, Being Arrested, Given DUI
I believe this two-line conversation will sum up this particular drunken come-to:
Officer: What have you been drinking?
Willow: Everclear.
6. Bedroom Floor
This one isn't so much the place as it is the circumstances surrounding it. A friend of mine who for purposes of anonymity will be referred to as "A Bash" had a long night of beer pong and brotherhood planned, but instead decided to black-out, lose a pint of blood, and make a dozen drunk dials to the King County Police Station.
Here is his story:
8:05am: A Bash wakes up, commences confusion.
8:06: Opens eyes, prays for sun to implode.
8:07: Holy sinning testicles, his head hurts.
8:10: Does not want move; afraid of which limb may not respond.
8:12: Uncurls from fetal position. Only left arm is immobile. Not so bad.
8:14: Discovers left arm is completely encrusted in strawberry jam.
8:15: Realizes only he would find strawberry jam prank funny.
8:16: Realizes he is in extreme pain.
8:17: Realizes jam is indeed dried river of blood.
8:20: Realizes he has no recollection of anything after deciding to finish half gallon of rum with his little bro, Spam.
8:25: Checks outgoing calls: Spam, Spam, Spam, 911, King County Prison, Spam, 91111, Spam, King County Prison, Professor McKinstry, Spam.
8:26: Great…
8:30: Stands up; holy awkward handjobs, his head hurts.
8:35: Enters bathroom.
9:35: Leaves bathroom.
9:50: Calls girlfriend for info.
9:51: Girlfriend's roommate says girlfriend will not speak to him.
9:52: Girlfriend's roommate is disgusted with him.
9:52: Great…
9:55: Sits down on bed; holy indecipherable hieroglyphics, his head hurts.
10:10: Ten people ask why Spam is in jail. He does not know why Spam is in jail.
He also does not know why he is covered in blood.
10:16: No one else knows why he is covered in blood, but apparently he must call a girl from next door to apologize for something.
10:17: Uses girl for information. New information: he is a douche bag.
10:20: Calls King County Prison; is told he will receive harassment charges if calling continues.
10:22: Cleverly calls girlfriend from friend's phone; is told to "eat shit and die."
10:25: Tries to stave off hangover with nice, cold beer.
10:35: Enters bathroom.
11:35: Leaves bathroom.
11:40: Cell phone rings. He answers. It is Spam's older brother with new information. New information: he is a douchebag.
11:45: Enters pledge quad. Is handed a paper titled: "Quotes from A Bash"
"I swam through gravel; I wouldn't recommend it."
"Hi, my name is A Bash, and Spam is getting gang-raped as we speak! Hello? Hello? I said Spam is getting—dammit!"
"If Spam has illegitimate ass babies it's all my fault."
11:47: Lies back down.
11:48: Holy ostracized cheek fat, his head hurts.
11:50: Drifts off to sleep.
Continue to The 10 Weirdest Places People I Know Have Woken Up Drunk, Part Deux »