50 Things I've Learned from the Election Year (With Links)

Links open in a new window.

1. Fuck fags. (thehill.com)
2. Fuck gay people. (huffingtonpost.com)
3. The replacement refs weren't so concerned with "catch" or "interception" as much as just getting all those black kids off their lawn. (youtube.com)
4. You have to wrap gifts. Unless, of course, that gift is non-consensual sex. (cbsnews.com)
5. The difference between Rick Santorum and my dog is that one humps random guys' legs and the other is a cocker spaniel named Betsy. (huffingtonpost.com)
6. Libya isn't in Africa, which is a country. (rawstory.com)
7. 47% of Americans milk off of the rest. That means 53% of Americans are lactating. (marketplace.org)
8. Jenna Jameson endorsed Mitt Romney after hearing a Romney presidency would be "hard to swallow" and took it as a personal challenge. (people.com)
9. Paul Ryan ran for Vice President. In 1 hour and 15 minutes. (newyorker.com)
10. The kid isn't mine because I "retroactively" withdrew my penis at the point of ejaculation. (washingtonpost.com)
11. Elvis lives. (huffingtonpost.com)
12. Paris Hilton received several injections of Gardasil. (hotair.com)
13. WHEN Iran gets nuclear weapons (because Obama was re-elected), only Twinkies and cockroaches will survive… because they'll be taking shelter in Ann Coulter's cast-iron vagina. (cnbc.com)
14. Whitney Houston died and no illicit drugs were found in her system. Later that night I went to my dealer and bought a gram of "no illicit drugs." (dailymail.co.uk)
15. Homogeneousoexuals always love a man in uniform. (nydailynews.com)
16. I'm actually not surprised about the budding friendship of Chris Christie and Barack Obama. Everyone knows black guys love fat white chicks. (usnews.com)
17. According to the latest Gallup poll, Obama is leading by 5 points in Ohio. According to the latest Fox News poll, Romney is leading by 3 touchdowns and a Jew. (examiner.com)
18. I voted three times. No, it's not fraud, I just call masturbation "voting." (troyrecord.com)
19. I'll take my Tunisia with extra pepperonis and a side of ranch. (thinkprogress.org)



20. There's a hormonal cascade that results in the pit being ejected if it's a legitimate grape. (nytimes.com)
21. "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because God hates fags." -Philip Kayser (huffingtonpost.com)
22. Kim Kardashian was married for 72 days. Interestingly enough, 72 days is also the length of the antibiotic cycle one must undergo after having sex with Kim Kardashian. (people.com)
23. Hey lesbians, you can't have your pie and eat it, too. (latimes.com)
24. Satan is eco-friendly. (latimes.com)
25. "Down with corporations" – Sent from my iPhone. (presstv.ir)
26. If earthquakes are God saying the government needs to rein in spending, Fukushima was God's conspicuous disapproval of Hello Kitty. (newser.com)
27. John Holmes shot people in the face in the theater and James Holmes was the pornstar. Wait..what? (wptv.com)
28. It turns out it wasn't lighters moving back and forth at the Nickelback concerts, it was torch-wielding concerned citizens. (cnbc.com)
29. Birds and fish hate dubstep, too. (huffingtonpost.com)
30. Snookie had a baby. A group of local ancient Mayans were interviewed and commented, "Yeah." (wetpaint.com)
31. Gays are trading in their batons for axes and their glitter for…well, to get those batons back. (rollingstone.com)
32. It turns out the healthcare discussion is biblical. Jesus cured the sick and healed the lame….with a co-pay. (youtube.com)
33. Communists are Nazis. (thinkprogress.org)
34. Our forefathers weren't racist, they owned a color Ayi. (rawstory.com)
35. A cult is chanting memorized phrases, reciting prayers to icons, ritual cannibalism and the drinking of blood. Wait, nevermind, that's Catholic mass. (rawstory.com)
36. Paul Revere batted for both teams. (huffingtonpost.com)
37. Mitt Romney would(n't) do that. (mittromneyflipflops.com)
38. To win the presidency, you have to appeal to blacks, Latinos, and young voters. Also known as the "majority." (wptv.com)
39. If I had a dime for every time Rush Limbaugh called a girl a whore, I'd still have fewer dimes than what he spends on whores. (politico.com)
40. God intended men and women to fuck like bunnies. Like, the man chases her down and she tries really hard to blend in to the snow and not get caught. (truthdig.com)
41. Hide yo priest, hide yo bishop, cuz kids be snatchin' yo people up. (renewamerica.com)
42. Hookers for Jesus is a real thing. (hookersforjesus.net)
43. Even science thinks Republican chicks are hotter. (ucla.edu)
44. Racism is over. (huffingtonpost.com)
45. Racism isn't over. (thinkprogress.org)
46. Obama was re-elected because of the "blah" vote. (crooksandliars.com)
47. The name of God has more political clout than God's actual endorsement. (cbsnews.com)
48. Jesus spends a lot of time angry at you for getting an abortion after you were raped. So much time that he doesn't…ya know… have time to stop you from being raped. (carm.org)
49. Sarah Palin wasn't at the Republican National Convention, but she could see it from Alaska. Stop. We shouldn't kick someone when they're Down's. (cnn.com)
50. OMG fuck your stupid fucking cats. (wordpress.com)