Weekly Drunk Text: I have all these amazing theorems that Id never be able to describe. Unless I had puppets. – kc
Things that make an awesome movie: explosions, boobs, motorcycles, dinosaurs, ninjas, booze, fart jokes, fights, fire, monster trucks and hot chicks. What's missing? Old people. You see, once you turn old, you don't matter any more.
That's right. Let it be known, aging awesome action heroes, that we appreciate you very much. But just effing retire already. You're not proving anything except that you used to be pretty cool and now you're old, boring and outdated. I don't care about your annoying kids, back pain, sidekicks or desire for one more adventure.
As an expert in all things (not to mention I think you're special), I'm going to fix movies.
Here are nine action heroes on the verge of (natural) death, and their new movie sequels that shouldn't have been made:
1. Indiana Jones
Indy swung in this summer and I, for one, hope he retires his whip and fedora, unless he decides to include us in a good quest. Shia Lebaouughf (or however you spell that) wasn't that annoying, but Lucas and Spielberg cinematically trying to blow themselves was.
2. John McClane
John McClane, seriously, why would you protect the Apple computer kid in the new Die Hard? After all the good you've done for the country, couldn't you have just let this annoying iMac shucker get hit by a surface-to-air missile? And grow some hair.
3. Rambo
Rambo, you rule. You seriously rule so hard. But don't make friends, ever. Unless you plan on killing them. I don't want to see Rambo and His Happy Best Pals. I just want to watch Rambo shoot dudes, and maybe stab a few…thousand.
4. The Terminator
Arnold, if you ran for anything, I'd vote for you. If you want to be my new dad, roommate or best friend, you can have those positions. Slaughter future asswipes, but don't take your skin off for any more Terminator flicks. And there's no such thing as a female Terminator, because of the basic fact that women simply cannot kick ass, ever. But she was pretty hot though.
5. Snake Plissken
Are we going to see more of Snake Pliskin from Escape From New York in 2009? I don't really care, even if he is escapin' from somewhere, crackin' wise and shootin' dudes.
6. Ash
Does the world need a sequel to Army of Darkness? Nope. Bruce Campbell starred in a good movie, once. Then, I don't know, he died or retired or made Old Spice commercials.
7. Rocky
Even though nobody else did, I actually liked the new Rocky, but it's a long story and I was in a difficult point in my life. Instead of therapy or self-medicating with alcohol, I used Rocky Balboa as my cure for the blues. And it worked. Thanks Rock, now we can both retire.
8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I haven't actually seen the new TMNT movie yet, but I do have a few questions. Does Donatello come out of the closet? Did Raphael solve his anger issues? Is Leonardo married with kids? Is Michaelangelo still a party dude?
9. Michael J. Fox
You know some ball-licking studio exec is foaming at the mouth trying to get Michael J. Fox to reprise his role as Marty McFly in Back to the Future IV. Like all the others, what else can be done with this franchise? Marty makes out with his daughter? Biff's bastard children stink up the screen? Let's leave this holy trinity the way it should be – finished.
And just to show I'm not only a critic, but an idea-producing genius, I'll throw out a few of my original ideas to all you Hollywood screenwriters reading – as long as I get a cut.
The Lone Wolf's Cry 20XX
(Deep Movie Trailer Guy Voice) The year is 20XX in the post-apocalyptic world, the second-to-last greatest samurai – Lone Wolf – must battle an evil robot army hell-bent on destroying everything that's left…of a planet in ruins. Lone Wolf teams with dapper young ronin Kano JetPack (played by Casey Freeman) to battle against undefeatable odds, even though these two warriors know no defeat in their hearts. If the planet is saved, it's up to these two gentleman callers to repopulate the Earth.
The title role Lone Wolf is played by none other than Neil Diamond.
I'm Famous Too
Famous Dave (from Famous Dave's BBQ) has everything he could ask for: the best BBQ restaurant in the world, five lake cabins in Minnesota and a Gatling gun collection. The one thing he doesn't have is a dashing young man to marry his beautiful daughter, Famous Lisa (played by Megan Fox).
In comes charming Bryce NinjaFeet (played by Casey Freeman) who has just beaten the Japanese hot dog eating guy in a buffalo wing-eating contest. Famous Dave finds his ideal barbecue dynasty replacement in dapper NinjaFeet as well as the man who wins the heart of his gorgeous pulled pork-cooking daughter (once again, let me assure you this part MUST be played by Megan Fox).
Soon, our young hero will no longer be NinjaFeet, but Famous Bryce. (Based on a true story – as long as I get to make out with Megan Fox.)
KISS Me Again
Legendary rock band KISS decides to go on tour, you know, just because they're KISS and they rule. This time they decide to add a member: dangerously good-looking Jack PumpFist, the edgy new keytar player from the wrong side of the tracks (played by Casey Freeman). At first the KISS Army doesn't know what to make of the young upstart keytar aficionado, but soon he wins the hearts of the fans – and the vaginas of all the groupies.
Hit Another One
Mark McGuire may have retired from playing baseball, but he didn't retire from coaching baseball. In a drunken bet, the owner of the worldwide beloved Minnesota Twins gambles his team against Hank Steinbrenner's dastardly evil New York Yankees. Whichever team loses the World Series (the National League sucks so both teams are from the American League) loses their team.
McGuire (played by himself) recruits all-star heartthrob centerfielder Kirby Puckett, Jr. (played by Casey Freeman) to deliver a World Series win for the Twins. Puckett, Jr. not only helps win the Series, but also hits 88 homers to break the homerun record as well as swoon every single Victoria's Secret model, ever. After the stunning 62-0 victory in Game 4, the Yankees cease to exist. Forever.
Cum Like Father, Cum Like Son
Legendary pornstar Ron Jeremy learns he has a son, Don Jeremy (played by naturally well hung Casey Freeman). The egotistic Ron is jealous of his offspring's bigger junk, and vows to bang all the women in the world. Too bad Don has already banged them all – twice.
My Son Isn't a Disappointment to the Family
Completely normal American family man Bob Freeman (playing himself) must deal with the fact that his son Casey Freeman (played by – you guessed it – Kimbo Slice) could never understand chemistry, therefore couldn't get into med school. But, the elder Freeman must learn that what his son lacks in PhDs, he makes up with stunning personality, stellar writing skills and an ecstatic female fan base. Soon, Bob's classic line "You're so stupid you'd fuck up a wet dream" evolves into, "You're the son I've always dreamed about but never realized I had. Here's a high five!"
Ghostbusters III
I mean, what's the gang been up to for all these years? Does Egon have some wacky new job? Is Venkman still cracking jokes? Can the old ‘Busters keep up the pace? Maybe throw some young kids, an obligatory moody chick or an early 20s "Baby" Oscar (reprising his role from Ghostbusters II) in the flick to capture a new target audience. The ghosts could represent terrorists, liberals and hackers. Throw in some sweet new CGI and two or three Ecto-1 chase scenes. Oh, and maybe Busta Rhymes can make an appearance and sing a song about Bustin'. Solid Ectoplasmic Gold.
How's that Hollywood? Any takers? C'mon, you'll make Uwe Boll movies but none of mine?