I sincerely hope you took the time this week to watch the television epic that is Shaq Vs. If you didn't, take a second (half hour) to view it on Hulu, or below.
As you can see, this was a carefully thought out, well-crafted masterpiece. Its every detail was carefully calculated by the finest minds in television so as to give its audience a truly profound viewing experience.
With executive producer Shaq at the helm, numerous ideas were thoughtfully discussed, but only a few made it to the network. Of the rest, some never made it past the drawing board, and others saw their fatal flaws exposed during filming. Here are those ideas.
Shaq vs. Danica Patrick
This one seemed like a great idea—just a shot of the two standing next to each other was destined to be great television. Of course, the dream came crashing down when Shaq actually tried to sit in his car and realized those things aren't quite designed for men of his stature. Insistent on continuing, he bought an Escalade and painted some racing stripes on it. Before it could go any further, the other producers told Shaq that Oscar de la Hoya had just insulted Kazaam, so he dropped the idea to start his boxing training.
Shaq vs. Deep Blue
Shaq: Let's do something for the nerds out there—what about me against that computer that plays chess?
Producer 1: You mean Deep Blue?
Shaq: Is that some kind of weed? Shit, I don't know, just set it up.
Producer 2: Shaq, I don't really think that's a good idea. It's not quite the same as competing in other sports. Maybe you want to stick with something like hockey or tennis.
Shaq: It doesn't matter what it is; I'll get into his head and beat him that way.
Producer 1: Uh, Shaq, you can't get into his head—it's a computer.
Shaq: Don't underestimate Shaq.
After further discussion proved fruitless, they set him up on a computer playing Chessmaster XI on the easiest level.
Shaq: Damn, well at least we both know he couldn't beat me in basketball!
Producer 1: Yeah Shaq, he sure couldn't.
Shaq vs. Tiger Woods
Production was ceased when someone realized this would go against the premise of Shaq competing against the best players in each sport, and Y. E. Yang wasn't available.
Shaq vs. 100 Midgets
Wait, sorry, I'm mixing up Shaq Vs. and Man vs. Beast again…
Shaq vs. Me, In Providing Online Videos
I tried to challenge Shaq, but three uncomfortable hours in a cell and a restraining order later, all I can do is call him out in the internet. Here's mine, Shaq—step up and try to beat me, bitch.
(It's also worth noting this is just a little NSFW.)