Buttsex to the Future, Act I

Scene 1

Deep in the illustrious catacombs of Morehead Hall, in a large auditorium filled with ready-to-learn students, Professor Lou Eighnal stands in front of his class, a week before finals. On the chalkboard, a message reads "The History of Sodomy."

Professor Eighnal: So…it comes down to this. The bottom of the barrel…. What you've all been waiting for. This, our last day of actual class…before we go into reviewing and all of that nonsensical shit. (pauses) Well, I usually save the best for last and since we've already covered the history of fellatio, the missionary position, and bestiality (may William Taft rest in peace), I figured we'd finally get down and dirty…pun intended.

Class: (snickers)

I don’t think that’s really fair…to pin all the buttsex on Sodom. Professor Eighnal: Craig. When do you think sodomy began?

Craig: (curious) I think it started in 1940s Jazz-era New Orleans…when all the black people and LSD were invented.

Professor Eighnal: No, Craig. Wrong again. Black people weren't invented…white people were. By Jesus and George Washington. (Somebody farts in the distance.) Ah, I see we have some one eager to discuss the history of sodomy. James…was that you?

James: (crosses arms) Fuck you. No. It was not. (scoffs)

Professor Eighnal: Fair enough…(pauses for reflection). SODOMY. SOD-O-ME. Where does that sound like it comes from? Jesus Christ, kids. How did you get into college?

Jenny: My daddy paid for me go to college class houses like this here.

Professor Eighnal: Somebody sodomize that bitch.

Craig: (hand in the air) Ooo! Ooo! Me!

Professor Eighnal: Anyway. Sodomy started around the same time of civilization. While we can never be sure that cavemen weren't butt-rapin' their fly cavewomen honies, we know…from the Bible…that sodomy was really popular in…. Mr. McCoy?

McCoy: I've tried it once…in an orgy, I mean. I mean…I'm not really that into it…I mean…I've never received if that's what you're asking.

Professor Eighnal: No, you stupid bastard. Where did it start? Where was it popular?

McCoy: (shrugs) King Sodomon's castle?

Class: (murmurs, looks around at each other and shrugs reasonably)

Professor Eighnal: That's it. You kids are never, ever going to pass my final. Sodomy started for sure in Sodom. You know… Sodom and Gomorrah. Fire and Brimstone. Lot and his beautiful family. Pillar of salt. For Christ sake! ….Yes…Nick?

Nick: I don't think that's really fair…to pin all the buttsex on Sodom. I mean…really? Doesn't that seem dated? They should call it San Franciscomy, now.

(cricket chirps)

Nick: No? Not even a chuckle?

Class: No!

Professor Eighnal: I don't think our gay students appreciated that.

Nick: So? One time, I fucked a girl for so long that she got dry and her stolid vagina broke the condom. What do I care if a bunch of bitches and a dirty Kraut teacher don't find me funny?

Professor Eighnal: What?

Nick: Just saying.

Professor Eighnal: You know what? I'm not going to teach you lowbrow bastards anymore about this. In fact, forget the rest of the sexual education class. The final will be on THIS HISTORY OF SODOMY (pounds desk). Now get out of here before I kill you all.

Gay Dude: Teacher! Teacher!

Professor Eighnal: Yeah?

Gay Dude: Can I have some private tutoring before the final?

Professor Eighnal: No. No you can't. Hail Hitler!

Scene 2

Nick, Craig, McCoy and James are all in McCoy's car, listening to Blink 182. They all have a beer in hand. It's a Friday night.

James: Don't you think we should stop driving drunk, go home and study for the final on Monday?

Everybody else: Nah! (uproarious laughter)

James: Good point.

Nick: Seriously, who gives a fuck about Professor A-NAL?!

Everybody: (laughs)

McCoy: You know, I never realized his name is that close…(rubs chin)…. It's almost a blatant innuendo.

Craig: Hmm…you're right!

James: Yeah!

Nick: You know, now that I think about it, buttsex isn't really that popular.

McCoy: Yeah. I wonder why that is….

James: This conversation is getting out of control. Next thing you know, we'll all be on a long chain of-

Nick: No. No more. I was just saying that I think buttsex is underrated.

Craig: So is smear-poopin'.

McCoy: (looks in rearview) Smear-poopin'? What's that?

Craig: Yeah…(nervous cough). Well…it's just like it sounds….

Nick: What's that?

Craig: …Taking a shit in your hand and wiping it all over your chest.

Everybody else: TOTAL GROSS OUT!

(McCoy begins gagging uncontrollably and the car crashes into a ditch.)

James: Smooth move, Craig.

Nick: Yeah, brilliant job. Now we're never going to make it to Jenny's party.

Craig: You don't think I care about that? I wanted to be her lactation consultant.

Nick: What the fuck does that even mean?

McCoy: (stops gagging) I think he wants to milk her. What a faggot!

James: Fellas. Fellas. Arguing isn't going to get us anywhere. We're only ten miles outside of town and we've got two cases of beer to split between the four of us. Why not just start walking, drinking…and we can show up really trashed?

Everybody: (mutters of approval)

Nick: I actually know of a shortcut. It'll cut out fifteen minutes at least.

McCoy: Well hell then! Let's go!

Scene 3

The guys are in a very deep forest, with no light. A trail of beer cans follows them.

Craig: You're an idiot, Nick.

Nick: What? We're heading in the right direction…

McCoy: Actually, I'm pretty sure I saw a Canadian bear back there.

James: How'd you know it was Canadian?

McCoy: It was acting all faggoty.

Nick: Well, it's safe to say that America is awesome.

Everybody: Agreed. Well said. America! John Deere!