Can I put my penis there?
Where exactly is "there?"
Under the couch cushion.
Is it your couch?
Yes.
You can put your penis there.
Can I put my penis in my neighbor's outdoor manger scene?
They still have that up? It's February.
I know. They leave it up all year. They say there's no reason NOT to celebrate baby Jesus…on their lawn.
You can put your penis there.
Can I put my penis on that cop's baton?
Really? That's bold.
Yeah, but what a story it would be.
Is it holstered?
No. In fact, he's gripping it rather menacingly and staring at me with an intense look of disdain.
He probably knows you want to do something awful. You cannot put your penis there.
Can I put my penis inside those pants?
Whose pants?
My pants.
Of course you can put your penis there. In fact, it would be weird if you didn't put your penis there. You have to put your penis there when you're wearing them.
Good point. What if they WEREN'T my pants?
Whose would they be?
Let's say they belong to my roommate.
Let's say you keep your penis in your own pants.
Okay. But what if she's really attractive? And single? And I want my penis to be really, really near her?
Has she ever expressed similar feelings?
Not really. She massaged my shoulders one time, though.
Then you can put your penis in her pants once, when she's not home. But you wash them exceedingly well afterward!
Can I put my penis in the freezer?
Why…why would you do that?
I dunno. I'm bored.
Have you thought of the implications to your genitals? Frostbite is a real thing, ya know.
What if I only leave it in there for a few seconds?
Sure, I guess. I mean, I'd recommend getting a hobby, but you can put it in there. Honestly, I thought this was going to be more of a morality Q&A, though.
Can I put my penis in my dick-ish coworker's yogurt?
Okay, that's more like it. First of all, love the word choice…
Thanks.
…But again, why would that come to your mind as an option?
He blamed me for several of his mistakes and I got demoted because of it.
Oh, so it's like a prank?
Yeah, I guess. Or revenge.
Cool. You can put your penis in there.
Now, hypothetically, what if it was my grandmother's funeral…
I'm going to stop you right there.
But you didn't even hear the circumstances…
Not necessary. You don't get to put your penis anywhere anymore.
You said you'd answer any penis locality questions I had.
…Fine.
So, I'm at the funeral and my aunt comes over…
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
You didn't let me finish!
…Ugh.
My aunt comes over and introduces her smokin' hot neighbor who is totally giving me the sexy eyes. Can I put my penis there?
Did she know your grandmother?
She met her once, I think. She was mostly there for emotional support.
Then you may put your penis there, but only after the funeral, and you have to feel bad about it for several days afterward.
Okay, now replace "hot neighbor" with "hot third cousin."
All right. We're done here.