9 Shitty Movie Remakes I’d Be Cool With

There are a few rumors that Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid is next to be aborted by dipstick Hollywood idiots. Why do they have to keep remaking good movies? Why can't they just make everybody happy and give shitty movies a redo?

Here are some crappy movies that, if remade, I can't imagine anybody would give a crap, because the original versions couldn't be any worse.

1. Waterworld (1995)

This was one of the biggest budget movies of all times, but also a huge bomb. I think it's pretty cool. I mean, Kevin Costner drinks his own pee! Dennis Hopper smokes cigs and says funny stuff. They manage to make some Exxon Valdez jokes.

Here's my plan for the remake: spend more money and have more urine ingestion.

2. Halloween (1978 and 2007)

Yeah, I said it. Fuck the original Halloween and fuck the Rob Zombie remake. They're not that scary, good, or anything worth watching. Eventually, Busta Rhymes makes an appearance in the series, which should tell you something. The story is about a crazy kid who kills his family, then moves to a mental home where apparently they pump their kids full of steroids while teaching them how to drive, operate hot tubs, and hate couples getting lucky.

The re-remake could be about a bunch of trick-or-treaters throwing eggs at old people. Or maybe some kids divided their Halloween candy, because honestly, anything is more entertaining than the shitty original and the just-as-shitty remake.

3. Near Dark (1987)

Some boring vampire drifters go on boring non-adventures through boring states like Kansas. Boring stuff ensues. Most of the cast of Aliens makes up the talent.

This movie really sucked, although some cult horror fans will tell you it's way ahead of it's time. No, it's not. Watching this movie is like being frozen in time, because it doesn't go anywhere. This was a vampire movie with a little romance, but none of the cool things that make vampire movies awesome for today's audience, like ninjas, Wesley Snipes, and gratuitous boobs.

4. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

Mad Max and The Road Warrior are two of the baddest ass movies in history. Then Max takes his bitching supercharged V-8 muscle car, leather jacket, and pissed-off attitude to…Peter Pan's Never Never Land? He fights with a retard, shovels some pig crap and then mentally battles with Tina Turner. What the fuck?

Here's the plotline for the remake of Mad Max 3: Max wakes up, drives his car over some dudes, eats some lunch, and then kills more dudes. Then he stabs another dude in the eyeballs for checking out his car. The end.

5. Spider-Man 3 (2007)

I know more about Spider-Man than I know about most of my own family. And I like Venom more than I like my own family. I actually really enjoyed the first two flicks. But this one? What the hell? Spider-Man dances, cries, and does more un-Spider-Man-like things, such as suck. Sandman is by far one of the lamest villains (and Spidey has a lot of them). The "New" Goblin is pretty barftastic with his flying snowboard. Gwen Stacy doesn't really mesh and Venom just sucks in this.

How about this for the remake? Give Venom a real mean streak, and hire an actor not from That 70's Show. And skip Sandman for a less dorky character like Rocket Racer or Morbius the Living Vampire.

6. Underworld (I don't know which years, there's like 50 of them)

Let me tell you the plot for a really awesome movie: vampires fight werewolves. Okay, sound exciting to you? Well, it's not.

Even though you get to see Kate Whatsherface in some tight leather pants, this movie blows. It's a lot of complaining, whining, and ninny singing.

Maybe if the vampires spent more time fighting werewolves rather than adjusting their hair, this movie might not suck.

7. Raging Bull (1980)

Some Italian loser boxer lives a really hard life because he's an Italian loser boxer. Even Joe Pesci can't save this movie. Oh yeah, your film studies professor touches himself every night during some of the completely unneeded scenes and soliloquies and begs you to do the same—please don't. This is by far one of the most overrated movies starring one of the most overrated actors and put together by one of the most overrated directors.

Instead of all that crap, let's have a movie about an Italian boxer starring, written, and directed by one of the greatest talents in human history: Sylvester Stallone. Oh yeah, he already made a few boxing movies called Rocky, and all of them rocked my socks off.

8. Superman Returns (2006)

You know what I hate in movies? Unnecessary kids. Like the little shitwipe in this flick. Oh, and all of a sudden Superman can pick up entire mountains of kryptonite, but he doesn't know how to use a condom? Now, Kevin Spacey did a fantastic job of being Lex Luthor, and I appreciate that. The special effects were cool too. Even the guy who played Superman wasn't that bad.

Here's the deal though: I don't want to watch Superman outsmart people. I want to see him pick stuff up and smash it. Maybe he flies around and shoots laser beams at some stuff. Mostly, he picks heavy things up and drops them on people. So get back to work, Superman people. Just forget the kid and Kate Bosworth.

9. Indiana Jones 4 (2008)

You know what else I hate in movies? Unnecessary kids. Shia Leabaoughf (or however you spell that) isn't that annoying, what is annoying is a terribly dogshit movie that soils the perfect name of Indiana Jones. There's nothing wrong with Doctor Jones being old, but there is a problem with a bunch of video game-style crap that nobody cares about. Where's the coolness? Why doesn't he whip more stuff? Can't Short Round be a main character? Maybe some more monkey-brain soup?