Casual Melodrama

Let's start with his name. I'm praying it's an alias. Anyone who has a rhyming name is dumb. No. Seriously. Ramon Chacon? Might as well be Myna Vagina or Dick Prick or Boris Clitoris. I could play this game all day.

But look at that first sentence. “I used to like your cynical rants until I saw your picture.” Huh? Is that how he bases his opinion on a writer? Looks? So right off the bat, he's gay. And that's fine, there's nothing wrong with being gay. There's lots wrong with having a rhyming name and even worse he's Latino. (Kidding!) Don't throw your giant gold chains and Fubu doo rags at me. Better un-sew Aunty Maria out of the backseat of the 84 Volvo and fish for that heroin in her boob. (Again, kidding!)

Let's move on.

Following that confusing feedback was a response defending me by some lovely lass named Mallory (I hope she's never seen Natural Born Killers). Mallory refers to the Dr. Seuss Feedback Machine as a “sad, pathetic little kid,” and I thought that was unfair. There's no telling how old Ramon Chacon is. My guess is 35, living with Mom and Dad and Other Dad who molests him when he's high. Ramon Chacon's brilliant response: “Mallory, suck it.” Suck it. Ahh, what depths of the imagination. It's here that I realized what a witty, unflappable genius I was dealing with—a brilliant and astute person with a rhyming name who blisteringly deconstructed Mallory's argument in two deft words. Well played.

Now, this is just ignorance. There are no all-male dorms at Northeastern, and because we're an urban school, there aren't a lot of bushes. I also like the whole “hop the border pesos” thing. That was cute. Stupid, but cute. Also, if I'm a gay little shit like you implied, why give me the honor of calling me “Senor.” Semantics, people.

The adventure continues….

i love ramon. its a rarity to hear such bashing. you know that like right now he's masturbating to justins picture…sad man, you can come out of the closet now. he's just jealous…justin is a hottie!
karin | 11.02.04 – 11:43 pm

Thanks, Karin. Every now and then, my hideous self-esteem shows some life, and you gave that to me. Granted, chances are you're my Grandma, but regardless, thank you. How does House of Pain respond?

Alright Justin, Very funny, so which one of your three friends, errrrrrrrrrr aquaintances did you pay to write a post in which they claim to have your back (e.g. Karin). Obviously this is a fraudulent post, because when you told them to use the name “Karen” they couldn't even spell it correctly. Or perhaps it is an authentic post, and Karin was a result of shoddy birth control and her/his parents were sooooo pissed that they spelled thier kids name wrong on purpose, just so he/she/it would suffer through years of ridicule in school. Well, regardless of that outcome, this still rings true; YOU ARE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A JOURNALIST. All you do is rant and rave, that's what xanga or blogs are for. I hope you do go to Florida so you can be even more cynical about your lack of ass with all the hotties roaming about in South Beach. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhahahhaha
Ramon Chacon | 11.03.04 – 8:57

Good call, Ramon. Names can't be homonymous. Jon and John. Cris and Chris and Kris. Faggot and Ramon. What slays me here is the whole “YOU ARE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A JOURNALIST!” It's a COLLEGE HUMOR SITE!!! Canadian writes about trick or treating at Osama's cave. (By the way, since Beech has arrived, I'm appreciating Canadian a little bit more, maybe it's by comparison, but whatever. A rare compliment for Canadian. And he doesn't have to deal with Bush either. He's really growing on me, this Canadian.) Besides, I'm not doing journalism for this site, hence my columns on whacking off and Taco Bell. And if you think back to the RC's first post, he said he used to enjoy my cynical rants”. But now, he says: “All you do is rant and rave.” That's like saying, “I used to enjoy your mustard,” followed by, “Why the fuck does this taste like mustard?” And why the hell would I blog? Blogging is for fat whores who lead miserable lives and start “OC FAN CLUBS” on Facebook.

The feedback gets psychological.

Justin I think you have a very acute case of little man syndrome…. You are mad at the world because your scrawny frame tips the gym scale at 115…. in sopping wet sweat pants.
Ramon Chacon | 11.04.04 – 12:08

Actually it's 140. So there. And you would certainly know a thing or two about “a cute little man”. Puns, bitch. Puns.

Hey Ramon, For an alleged heterosexual you really seem to be hung up on Justin's sex life. Sounds like a closet case if I ever heard one. Seriously, you need help, this kind of anger towards yourself (that you are projecting at Justin for god knows what reason) is not healthy. You need to come clean with yourself and let go of the rage.
Jay | 11.04.04 – 2:14 pm

What he said.

I dislike Justin and this column, because there is no originality. Its like a goddamn Dashboard Confessional lyric writing session every time he writes. Girls don't like me, I am ugly, so I drink myself to a stupor. Oh yeah, and you can't forget I love New England sports! We got it already, and show some originality, taking his comparisons from sports shows (sports guy) He has a meaningless pitiful little existence, and I want to read some comedy on this site, not how this chick talked to him when he bought her drinks but she left when he was out of money. Is that alright for you Jay?
Ramon Chacon

Now the first line really hurts. I loathe Dashboard Confessional and everything about them, so by comparing those emo douches to me was like kicking my mom. I decided to do some research and compare the two. Here's the game. Below is a samply of Dashboard lyrics. The other is a sample from one of my columns. Let's see if we can tell the difference:

A. “Well as for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs, and sit alone and wonder…how you're making out.
But as for me I wish that I was anywhere…
With anyone…making out
I'm missing your laugh, how did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as your pretending
I'm cuddling close to blanket and sheets
I am alone in my defeat”

B. Twenty years on this planet has taught me one thing: Women are crazy. Especially when it comes to sex. I mean, come on, she has to know how easy it would be to have sex with an NBA player and claim it was rape. BAM! Huge payday! Shit, I'm not even a woman, and I understand that logic. For the amount of money Kobe's got, he could eat my ass like Shepherd's pie.

Okay. Cue Jeopardy music as you decide.

Figure it out. I know it was tough, but Dashboard was A, and I was B. Wow, that was a lot of fun.

If you thought I was done, oh no. Not by a long shot.

First off, the reason that I was making fun of your picture was because you have been so insecure about your hideous stature that you hid behind a five-year old Sox fan. People had been asking before for you to put up a picture and you denied it, until you could get plastic surgery and recover from it to take a mediocre photo. Secondly, if you would open your eyes and merit the rest of my arguments, I said that you write dashboard confessional lyrics, AND oh yay I love New England sports.
Ramon Chacon | 11.04.04 – 9:46

Plastic surgery? You think I had plastic surgery to look like this? So you're saying I looked good then, implying that I improved my looks prior to the posting of my picture. Hmm, that's odd. That sounds a little like a come on, you stupid rhyming name retard. I'm not allowed to write about New England sports? And that's something that makes me happy, hence, not like Dashboard, hence you're wrong, hence me using hence. Hence. One more time for good measure: HENCE!

I know, I'm ready for this column to end, too. Just one more:

still have nothing concrete to say in your arguments…. just like your columns you no talent ass clown. good luck writing for anything other than a non-profit local mag you BIGOT
Ramon Chacon | 11.05.04 – 3:22 am

Nothing concrete in my arguments? I argue about friends being whipped, Michael and Kobe raping each other, Quintuplets! What do you want? Me to source Supreme Court cases? You were right about BIGOT though, I hate douchebags with rhyming names and nothing to say.