I'd like to dedicate this article to Caitlin and Brad, who graduated last week and now face the spooky real world.
You've finished your essays, taken your tests and rented your (insert school color here) gown. Over the past four years (or five or six or more) you've accomplished your goal of finishing college. Congratulations, your life will probably suck from now on.
As someone who not only has an undergrad but also a master's degree, I must say that I'm proud of all of you, the young pinnacles of modern higher education. You've earned skills and knowledge that people literally kill and die for, leave their family and friends for, pay an arm and a leg for.
Today all the late night studying, caffeine-induced hallucinations and soul crushing requirement courses are finished! Now you can look forward to late night working, caffeine-induced hallucinations and soul crushing corporate required sensitivity training. Hurrah!
You're entering one of the worst job markets in modern history. Hopefully your friends and family encompass power and respect throughout your business of choice. Or, hopefully your looks haven't faded over the past few years and you learned to please your last few boyfriends with your delicious lips. Oh, didn't your advisor tell you that "making it on your own" means living at your parents' house, sending out 100 résumés a week and eating solid ramen noodles (because you can't afford electricity)?
You strove to be lawyers, artists, dentists, doctors, musicians, teachers and people who understand finance. You'll end up waiters, security guards, strippers and deputy office manager assistants. It's okay. Nobody is happy with their life. Unless they're high all the time. But even then, that weed doesn't pay for itself. Unless you grow it I guess.
You used to make fun of your friend from high school who decided to sell tires in your hometown instead of going to college. Haha! This rubberized entrepreneur spent his time working while you spent the last four (or let's face it, five) years getting drunk and barely passing. Oh you giggled then, but now he's part owner and the one laughing. Haha! He has $0 in student loans and money for weed in the bank. Haha!
Yes, yes, yes, in only a few short months you'll quickly learn the value of that history course you took twice, all those books and your credit card spending. Employers think it's so wonderful you've graduated college, and they'll prove it to you with your starting salary that will keep you barely above the poverty level for the next 30 years, if you're lucky. Hopefully you enjoyed your education; you'll be paying for it for the rest of your life.
The dreams you dreamed will surely make the world a better place. Because of you, Tibet will finally be free. With your help, women and minorities will break through the glass ceiling. Thanks to you, nobody will ever wear sweatshop clothing again! This planet's people will drop their weapons and pick up gumdrop-flavored lemonade all on account of your brilliant final thesis. Oh, but unfortunately, it's a dream; but you're so cute for dreaming.
Oh the enlightenment you'll feel when you move from your quaint college town. All those suckers in your liberal university burg can keep their co-ed intramural sports, five-cent pitcher night and all-you-can-eat meal plans. In your new city, you'll learn not to care about the environment. Recycling? Ha! Too much work. You'll never talk to your neighbors and everybody in town will hate you because you're young.
HoHo! Gentlemen, now you'll truly realize how cool the rest of the world thinks you are. Nobody gives a shit about your drinking prowess. Banish your sandals from your feet! Unspike your hair! Tuck your dress shirt into your khakis! It's time to work!
Soon your most pussy-whipped buddy will decide to propose to his girlfriend, sparking a massive marriage trend among your friends. Instead of road tripping it to Woodstock '99 (what year is this again?) you'll be spending your valuable vacation time watching your best bros Skuzz, ButtFace and Tweed exchange vows with girls you remember as Syph-Dawg, AnnoyingAsianStripper and Dumb North Dakota Girl.
HoHo! Ladies, you're officially too young for social security but too old for college porn. Alas, there aren't "Recent Female College Graduates Acting Moderately Crazy" naked movies. It's okay though. After divorcing your college sweetheart you can always make MILF movies. Unless that trend blows over (which we hope will happen soon).
And to both sexes, if you think after college the rest of the world matures and no longer cares about Facebook or MySpace, you're pathetically wrong. These two Internet diseases will cause never-ending needless drama, pain and suffering among all ages. Dropping an ex's friends just because you never have to see them or just because they're annoying is the cause of many post grad, post-relationship debacles.
Out of the hundreds of thousands or millions of graduates, I'm positive that you, gentle reader, will make it. You have the gumption, attitude, chutzpah and other words that I can't think of to succeed in this scary place we call the real world. Or maybe you'll just quit when you're bored with your career and work at a coffee shop. Either or.
Take off your cap and gown and put on your townie clothes. Accept it. This is what you wanted. Hopefully you'll retain fond memories of college, because it's the last consistent fun you'll have for a long, long time. Suckers.
Have you already graduated? Tell your graduation story in the comments. Here are some tales from my own experience:
When I graduated NYU I was so hungover I could barely stand. My roommate sweated out beads of pure Coors Light. All I remember was being so thirsty, while Dirty Mike needed to pee. It seemed like the perfect solution, but we were in Radio City Music Hall, so I couldn't satisfy my thirst and his need to piss in front of thousands of people.
Then I got drunk and met Dave Attell from the "Comedy Central Insomniac" tour. He was cool.
Recalling this before my masters' commencement at CU I decided to fight my sleepiness and empty stomach with a delicious protein shake. Kids tossed beach balls, my advisor mad dogged me and I actually heard a really great speech. My mom couldn't figure out how to take a photo so I ended up standing and waving behind me for a few minutes. By the time I lined up with all the undergrads (for some reason they put grad students with the little people) the 55 grams of Muscle Milk decided it wanted out. My fondest memory of finishing grad school was timing atrocious protein farts with applause so nobody would hear the monstrous roars coming from my vicious bowels.
Afterwards my family and I spent a nice afternoon in the gorgeous weather of Boulder. Then a friend told me I needed to work that night at the bar. Which was okay, since I think I raked in my rent. After work, I played some sort of strip drinking game so my friends could try to hook up with some cocktail waitresses. They didn't. But when I tried to sneak off and go to sleep at 7 a.m. they harassed me and probably put their balls all over my face. The girls took photos. Thanks guys.