>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
March 21, 2004
A few weeks back, I wrote a column illustrating my disdain for ten members of the male species who desperately needed to be taken out back and beaten with a shoe. Today, I had a revelation: dude, girls are way more fucked up than guys are. Therefore, here are the ten worst THAT GIRLS.
10. Women Athletes
Not to sound sexist, but, no, wait. This is meant precisely to sound sexist. Sorry, the whole women in sports thing is weird and kind of unfair. I don't think it's right that colleges have to put up as much money for women's sports as they do for men's, when men's have proven to be far more of a profit turner. Wait, college aren't supposed to be concerned with a profit? Ask my dad that one, when he's writing tear-stained checks to Northeastern for another semester of financial rape. Second, here's a little fact for you, courtesy of the great Bill Simmons. The WNBA draws comparable ratings to the XFL, and yet the XFL was pulled after a month, and the WNBA has been around for 6 years, diking up the sport. Aren't NBA players pussy enough without an entire women's league? When it takes your league ten years before the first dunk, maybe it's time to pull the plug. Oh, one final note: If the course is owned by a private club, and that private club decrees that only men may join, that means all golf played in the club will be men only, as per rules of the club. What's the mystery? Women, start your own club. Get off the course, Annika.
9. Fatties in Denial
As long as I'm being a complete sexist ass up here, might as well cause a few eating disorders. Listen, ladies, if you're tipping the scales—and by “tipping the scales”, I mean, you could bake a pizza with your ankle fat—please do us a favor and not wear skin-tight clothes around. It's like looking at a goddamn butcher shop!
8. Uggos in Denial
I was born with a weird birth defect called ugliness. (My mom smoked crack). Anyway, knowing this, I play the personality card pretty hard. Most ugly people are aware of this, such that very attractive people play the sexy card with their good looks and mojo and shit. So, if you're in fact the personification of a whale queef, maybe you should not be a complete douchebag with a capital Vinegar, and lay off the lemons. Bitterness is a stinky perfume.
7. Drama Queens
A few columns ago, I mentioned how I love drama. This holds true. But I hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE drama queens. Hate 'em like Jeter. These are the girls who regale me in idiotic tales of the sea such as these classics: “She Stole My Man,” “That Whore!” and my personal favorite, “She's Trying to Destroy Me.” Get over yourself, it's clear your life isn't that interesting, so stop fantasizing that you live in Orange County, 90210. Get a job.
6. Ghetto Skanks
Hey, Beyonce, wiggers are bad. Wiggirls are worse. Put away the cubic zirconium bling, clip your fingernails so that they are slightly less long than your forearms, and stop dislocating your jaw gabbing because you have a fistful of gum in your mouth that you're chewing on harder than a Maine resident on his sister's ear.
5. The Hottie's Bitch Friend
I abhor these hoes by association. Why must girls travel in packs? You're not rabid wolves, damnit. Rabid wolves are kind, and havebetter things to do than watch American Idol. Not only that, but when I want to talk to a girl I find attractive, she is usually busy with her hoesbeast of a buddy. It's like trying to beat the boss in a video game, and having some asshole come over and shut the system off.
4. The Zero to Bitches
What's with these girls who consider it cool to be a bitch? Some girl will say something particularly dickish, and I'll retort, and she says: “I'm such a bitch, teehee!” Fuck you. Just because you're single-handedly responsible for the success of Tampax, it's nothing to brag about.
3. Attention Whores
Hold on while I exhale my rage. Ok. Girls, you really need to do something about the attention obsession. It's irritating. Sometimes, other things take priority: beer, Playstation 2, the Red Sox, masturbating, etc. Guys, we like attention too. But you know how we alleviate that? Lots and lots of moisturizer.
2. Daddy's Girls
Listen, sweetheart, I'm glad daddy gave you five ponies for your fourteenth birthday because “Gee whiz, they all looked so cute, we had to get them all!” Welcome to the real world hun, and newsflash, you have to eventually stop bothering your dad for money and compliments, because you're finally out of the house and he wants to bang your mom in the backseat of your Beamer. My dad had three uses for me: 1) Stare at the pool with him on Sunday mornings for no real reason at all. 2) Beer distribution (and yes, I put that on my resume). 3) Not pissing off mom. That's it. And I turned out great…….I need a hug.
1. Feminists
Just be happy we let you vote. Now, back in the kitchen! (God, I love pissing off the feminists.)
*This column will also be used for an upcoming article entitled: “Why I Don't Have a Girlfriend.”
More “Don't Be” articles:
Don't Be THAT GUY »
Don't Be THAT PARENT »
Are You Half of THAT COUPLE? »