>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 18 – February 9, 2003
Somebody sent me an email a little while back that had, among other things, a joke from this newsletter in the signature of the email. Of course, I got no credit for the joke, or for the website, so I may as well have not written it. I got to thinking: How many other people have seen this newsletter and didn't know where or how to sign up? I guess what I'm trying to get at is, if you're going to be forwarding around my hard work, a little credit would be nice. Otherwise, people are going to start sending my own jokes back to me, and that's going to hurt more than the hate mail I receive on a daily basis. Diatribe complete. Here's what happened:
-There is nothing in the world less cool than a LAN party. It's just something about the sight of 6 people crammed in a dorm room with laptops and headphones playing Soldier of Fortune 2 for 8 hours at a time that makes me want to join the chess club so I can meet some ladies. Honest to God, people who sit around all day forwarding emails to their friends from high school and writing quotes of the day on their whiteboards see more action than the LAN partiers.
-I've always found it weird the way pot people are just plain nicer than regular people. They'll always say stuff like “Hey, man. We're gonna go smoke some pot. Want to join us?” Imagine what the world would be like if pot was sold in the supermarket: “$25,000 a kilogram? Here, let me get some for you. It's on me. We're buds.”
-Our building decided to get together and form an intramural sports team. Let's be honest here, we're a group of overweight, out of shape lardasses who sit around all day playing Soldier of Fortune 2 against each other. What are the chances that we're going to beat the varsity athletes at softball? I figure we could at least lose with a little bit of dignity.
-Here's a tender bit of irony: I was told to keep quiet by the loudest person on the floor. I was just sitting in my room, minding my own business, and he starts yelling at me that he's going to file a noise complaint against me because I was in violation of Quiet Hours. I got to thinking, how is it that even though dorm rooms are assigned at random, there is always, without fail, one guy on every floor who listens to shitty music way too loud and is also a delusional psychotic?
-Now that I think about it, if room assignments are done randomly, how come there are some quiet floors, some party floors, some slutty floors, some dork floors, jock floors… Is there some sort of conspiracy going on that I should know about? ‘Cause no matter what happens, I get stuck on the floor for neurotics who play Soldier of Fortune 2 all day and tell me I'm too loud when I sneeze.
-It's February. Everyone here in residence is at each other's throats. Tensions are high, flaws are surfacing, and there is clear division in the ranks. You know what this means? It's a great time to start deciding whom to live with next year. Hence, this week's Quote of the Moment: My friend Dan, after I asked him if he wanted to live with me next year: “Sorry, but we're too close of friends to live together.” What the hell does that mean? If I understand correctly, you're only willing to live with people who repulse and revolt you to the point that you wouldn't even be willing to be friends with them. Whatever, dude. Enjoy your LAN party.
-I sympathize with girls, I really do. They spend hours picking out clothes and putting on makeup just so they can get noticed at clubs. If you really want to get noticed, females, listen carefully. Here's what you do: Wear a low-cut tube top and solid white lowrider pants. Put on too much mascara and big hoop earrings. You'll look so different from everyone else that you could have your pick of guys who won't know what to do with you.
-This Week in Expressions of Individuality Gone Awry: I don't care what anybody says. The next time you girls are sitting around talking about which body part to get pierced next, don't let anybody talk you into a labret ring. That's the ring that goes through the skin below the lower lip but above the chin. I don't know what the hell is wrong with girls that do that to themselves. They look like the end result of a bass fishing accident.
-I was standing at the bus stop with my friend Rob, and he told me that he was cold. So I offered him my jacket. He wouldn't take it. He said it was gay. That's a little homophobic, don't you think? There wasn't even anybody around to see me give the jacket, but Rob stood his ground like a good little neurotic. He would seriously rather just stand there freezing his heterosexual ass off than accept a jacket from another guy. When I told this story to one of my other friends, he said “Wow. That's pretty gay.” I don't know if we can learn very much from this. I guess the best we can do is: “MORAL – Gays are never cold. Or possibly always cold. And Rob's an idiot.”
-Now Playing: “New Slang” by The Shins. Good to listen to while driving stoned. Not that I'd know. Interesting side note: The band is from Albuquerque, and this song sounds exactly like you'd think music from New Mexico would sound. Maybe that's because there's not a lot to do there besides drive around stoned.
-I'm getting really, really sick of people whining about their grades in English class. They always say that the grading is unfair, that it's too subjective, that they didn't get any marks for effort. Effort? What the hell is that about? Who cares how hard you tried if you couldn't succeed. This isn't high school anymore. You can't keep confusing effort with achievement. If you honestly believe that you can compensate for your inabilities by trying harder, there's no limit to what you can't accomplish, stupid.
-My room's right across from the bathroom, so I guess you could say I lucked out. Some people are so far from the bathroom they have to bring along hiking gear. Sherpas meet them halfway. I have no idea what they do late at night when they have to go to the bathroom. I imagine a lot of them just pee out the window, which would also explain why the plants on that end of the building never do very well.
-There's still a ton of people who's names I can't remember. I used to call them all “Hey” by default, but that kind of got confusing. So I decided to start referring to people by their most comical defining characteristic. Now I know 200 people named “Bad Acne”.
-Have you ever taken an early morning class because, possibly due to hallucinogens, you believed that the class was really interesting and you would actually WANT to wake up for it? And then February comes along and you realize you have yet to go to a single class because you went to bed at 4am the night before and, gosh darn it, sleep is really more interesting than any class no matter what anybody tells you. What the hell were you thinking? “I don't need sleep anymore because I'm a stupid idiot.”
-Do you remember when you were in high school and your teachers told you that by the time you got to university nobody would care if you skipped classes because it was all up to you and you were expected to act responsibly all by yourself? Well, half my classes give marks for attendance, and I feel ripped off. It wasn't supposed to be this way, you traitors. I'm just waiting for one of my profs to assign detention so I can copy words out of the dictionary or something.
-It rained (again) the other day. I didn't have an umbrella, and I got soaked. Then I noticed that a lot of other people didn't have umbrellas either. I got to thinking, “Where do you even BUY an umbrella? Is there a store out there that sells umbrellas? I sure haven't seen one.” My theory is that nobody's ever bought an umbrella, people just kind of find umbrellas lying around. Think about it: You walk down the street and see a bicycle just lying there, unlocked, you think ‘some idiot didn't lock up their bicycle.' You see an umbrella lying around, you think ‘I just got me an umbrella.'