>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 120 – March 13, 2005
“On the Advice of Our Lawyers, Not Affiliated With ‘For Dummies' Books”
Now Playing: “Milk” by Garbage
Most of you probably tune your web browsers to this site every Sunday to discover what I, the author of Text-Heavy and CFO of Text-Heavy Inc., the man responsible for bilking small investors like Court out of millions of dollars and at least 2 dozen Gmail invites, will be angry about this week. Will it be a longwinded rant about the state of Democracy or a more jubilant look at the wonders of nature. Well my friends I'm sorry to say that won't be happening this week. Instead of complaining excessively and with bad grammar to anyone unfortunate enough to have their PC freeze on this page, this week I will be helping you, the college student, change your major in the hopes that it will count towards my community service. Damn you Leslie, the restraining order said 40 feet not 40 yards. Bitch. Here's what happened:
-Realize You're Not Alone: One of the first steps involved in moving away from whatever useless/boring/too hard major you chose in high school and into the major of your dreams is realizing many other students are in the same boat as you, and that boat is not the Titanic. I realize that metaphor wasn't very funny because Titanic jokes had pretty much worn out their welcome in 1997 but hey this website is free so shut up. According to an informal survey of some stereotypical multicultural imaginary friends I keep locked in my imaginary wine cellar, a full 68% intend to change their major at least once during their imaginary college career. Also the Asian one is a really bad driver.
-Decide if it's Right for You: Nobody can tell you whether or not you should change your major, except perhaps your family or friends or that homeless guy you always step over on your way to the bus stop. But apart from those people, nobody can tell you what you should do. What you need to do is look deep within yourself, which requires a special telescope, and ask yourself if you really want to graduate with a degree in whatever you're taking and be a whatever those people turn out to be for the rest of your life. Oh, I don't know…say, accountant. You must then choose between changing your major and suicide. I'll be right here if you change your mind.
-Test the Waters: As you have probably guessed here I am speaking proverbially. I am not in any way suggesting that you actually go and test water. What would you test it for? E Coli? Sharks? Not bloody likely thanks to El Nino. No, I mean test the waters of your new potential major before committing to it. Take a few electives in your prospective field, and find out if it's what you're in the market for. Maybe you'll even be able to transfer those electives over if you DO decide to change majors (probably not). This is a very important step, because suppose you were thinking of all of a sudden becoming a computer science major, if you didn't take any classes first you wouldn't know how much time you'd be spending in front of a computer (a lot) or how many of your classmates would be Asian dudes (all of them). You probably don't want to let them drive you anywhere.
-Visit Your Academic Advisor: Ok, so you've decided to change your major. Good job! But life's not all pennywhistles and moon pies just yet, boy howdy! If you could change your major just by thinking about it you'd be some kind of telepathic guy or girl and you'd probably get to be on Ripley's Believe It or Not or at the very least Celebrity Fear Factor. No, in order to change your major you must book an appointment with your academic advisor. Bring beef jerky, because you could be a while.
-Calculate Your Prerequisites: The prerequisite as a concept was invented by Nazi scientists in an underground lab as a way of maintaining order in concentration camps. For example, before any of the Jews involved in the creation of Nazi war machines could advance from “artillery rifle” to “tank,” they had to complete a series of Everquest-style tasks and advance to level 35 by killing 1000 sewer rats and eating them. This process was quickly adopted by colleges across North America. The best part is because colleges lack the organizational structure of the Nazi war machine most prerequisites are entirely random, so before you can take junior biology you might have to complete sophomore Latin and senior art history. Now if you go and change your major you'll screw with your prerequisites so badly you'll have a better chance of understanding the plot of ‘Gravity's Rainbow' than you'll have completing your required courses.
-Resign Yourself to Summer Classes: Face it, if you're going to change your major, you're going to have to catch up on all the classes you missed. Although some students opt to lengthen their program so they complete a 4-year degree in 8 to 15 years, most people choose to take summer school instead. If you decide to take classes in the summer, you will not be able to get a summer job to pay for your tuition or complicated meth habit, nor will you be able to visit your family and friends and fly kites or whatever the devil people do in the summertime. On the bright side, your entire class will be filled with people who failed the class last semester, which means you'll probably be able to find a stupid girl to have sex with you. Just make sure she really is a girl and not a dude in drag or a Swiffer. Because that was embarrassing as all get out.
-If You Do Have Sex With a Swiffer, Use Protection: Although this changing-your-major tip will seem obvious to those of you who were paying attention during fourth period health class, I can't stress enough the importance of using a dental dam. You might think it's not “cool” to break out a rubber glove before you go down on Swiffer, but trust me: Your friends will laugh a lot harder if they find out you got her pregnant.
-Know Your Scholarships: Scholar? You? That is so funny I think I just peed myself a little. Luckily, the word scholarship has evolved beyond the traditional “money awarded to smart people to prove they're better than you” into a more inclusive “money awarded by departments desperate to up their recruitment numbers.” Yes, that's right. If you choose a major that's particularly unpopular, like Egyptology, you might be able to convince the university to pay YOU in exchange for filling a seat in an otherwise empty classroom. Plus you might learn how to write your name in hieroglyphics. It's win-win!
-Prepare for Unexpected Setbacks: You might be questioning how it's possible to prepare for something unexpected. Moreover, you might ask how something could be a setback if you were already prepared for it. Or you might have just read the boldface that preceded this paragraph and accepted it at face value, which I think says a lot about you as a person (racist). In any event, you will probably be contacted by your advisor at some point during your major-changing-adventure to be informed of some unforeseen problem with your paperwork, so if you still want to make the change you're going to have to re-take a whole slew of classes again for no reason whatsoever. There is nothing you can do to avoid this lunacy, but it helps to know it's going to happen before it does. Helps soften the blow.
-Close the Deal: The day you declare your new major will be a day that will live on in infamy and, if you're lucky, famy as well. Few people forget the day they march into the advisor's office for the final time (teriyaki-style jerky tastes best, I find) and declare their major with all the fanfare and bureaucratic red tape you've come to expect from your university. You'll probably have to sign some forms. Then it's off to your new classes so you can get busy learning the ropes, discovering it was no better than your previous major, and begin the long process anew. Yes, changing your major is a vicious cycle, which is my least favorite cycle (first is the “uni”), but most students who endure the ordeal find themselves changed forever. It is a feeling that's hard to describe, but I'll try: Pointless.