Packing

Now Playing: “Somebody Told Me” by The Killers

-It is recommended that college students bring at least one “formal” outfit along, “just in case.” Of course, by “just in case” we are referring to a formal dance, which is just like a regular dance except everyone wears a suit. Even the girls. I suggest you bring two formal outfits, “just in case” the drycleaner has a hard time getting peach Schnapps and vomit out of the first one.

-You will want to bring a computer along, even if your school says you don't need one. If you don't have a computer, you'll become one of those unfortunate people who knocks on my door at 3:30am because they need to print something for the next morning and the computer lab's closed and I'll be really quick and there are no color pictures and I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. Also, if you don't have a computer, you will be unable to illegally download the Milkshake song and set Winamp to repeat while you go away for the weekend. Nobody minds that at all.

-If you're going to live in a dormitory, be sure to pack as many halogen lamps as you can fit into your Old Navy satchel. This is because halogen lamps have been almost universally banned in dormitories, sort of like crystal meth. Apparently they pose some sort of fire hazard, which is a lesson you will learn many times thanks to the numerous fire alarms that will be set off by people who forgot to turn off their halogen lamps. Fight fire with fire, I say. And the best way to cause a fire is with a halogen lamp. I'm bringing twenty. (This message brought to you by the Tungsten Bashers of America.)

-A lot of you are probably bringing various decorations and artwork for your room. This is a mistake, because your school will almost certainly have a poster sale a few weeks into the semester, so you can buy your tacky artwork at factory direct wholesale overpriced prices. Why bother adding your own touch of originality when you could just get that black and white photo of the two girls kissing, or the one with the guy wearing the shirt that says college? Don't spend too much on posters, though, as they will almost certainly be destroyed along with all your other possessions once the place burns down. Thank you, halogen lamps.

-You will want to bring at least one board game along with you, and by “one board game” I of course mean RISK. Many a night will be spent playing Parker Brother's substitute for nicotine. Yes, it's THAT addictive. But RISK is also very educational. For example, without RISK you would never have any idea that your best friends would betray you at the drop of a hat just to conquer South America. Nor would you have any idea just how important Australia is to world domination. Seriously, if real wars worked like in RISK, every single battle in history would end up with the loser tossing another shrimp on the barbie, or some such nonsense.

-Of course, with all the clothing and assorted college paraphernalia you will be needlessly packing because you're absolutely sure you'll need it to survive the next eight months, you're going to need new luggage. Luckily, this is a simple and inexpensive problem to solve assuming you live in Bizarro world. Otherwise, you will find buying luggage to be one of the most troubling experiences of your life. Apparently they train luggage salesmen the same way they train used car salesmen and interrogation officers in Guantanamo Bay. Assuming you survive your trip to the luggage store uncastrated, you will have spent upwards of $800 on what is essentially a box made of vinyl. Don't worry, though. The luggage comes with a money back guarantee, which would be pretty goddamn handy if you ever get the nerve to set foot in the store again, which of course you won't. Luggage salesmen know this, which is why sometimes they give you suitcases with holes pre-torn in the bottom, in case you ever feel like raping the luggage the same way they've just raped you.