The following ridiculous and comical events actually happened to me, so I felt it was my duty to share them with you for your holiday season comedic pleasure.
"I know I am a shitty Reverend and don't know a lot, but I had no idea God was a bloodthirsty vampire."I was getting into a parking garage elevator, wondering whether or not I should write a Christmas/holiday column this year, when I looked down and saw this tiny little comic book sitting on the floor in the corner. It didn't look like it was placed there on purpose, but rather dropped out of someone's pocket when they took their keys out. (Incidentally, does anyone else take their keys out of their pocket about a mile and a half away from their car? What is that all about anyway? Of course, even after I've realized I've taken the keys out and the car is nowhere in sight, I then start debating if I should just leave them out, or put them back in, having only to then expend that energy again to take them out later.)
Anyway, there was the little comic book sitting on its end, in the corner of the elevator, like it fell from someone's pocket/bag/purse. Of course my curiosity being strong, I instantly picked it up and started reading it. The following set of panels is that comic book in its entirety, with, of course, my snarky thoughts and extra character commentary added below each picture.
Ironically I was going up in the elevator, but decided to keep reading anyway. I can't help but wonder if the person who lost this realized the irony of losing it in an elevator.
He's not alone, there's a horse with him. Wait, no there isn't. What happened to the horse?! Freakin' horses, I've never seen one that wasn't broken.
Gasping man: Gasp! Not only did the horse disappear, but the lake he was drinking at did too! What do you think about that…um…strange disembodied hat floating to my left? Shit! Where'd you go?!
Somebody: What horse? Haven't you been paying attention? The horses are up and disappearing!
Hank Dagget: Wait, Death Angel? The Filipino-American thrash metal band from Concord, California?
Hank Dagget: Now that Angel of Death, he's pretty scary, but a thrash metal band ain't nothing to be afraid of… not like phase shifting horses, now those are freakin' terrifying! Fortunately my horse has never phase shifted so we could be here all day… oh crap! (His horse phase shifts, killing him and drawing the attention of a Skeksis from the Dark Crystal who thinks the region is magical.)
Horatio: Emily, I was starting to think that hell is actually where our weird-ass bunny vampire dog came from. Seriously, that thing scares the shit out of me! Can we take its picture down?
Horatio: I mean, we put up with Bunnicula the dog all those years, how bad could it be? Also, Reverend Brinks, can horses phase shift?
Horatio: I'm still a little disturbed by the horse thing, and if God is so loving, why would he make a dog look like a freaky-ass vampire bunny monster?
Reverend Brinks: Hopefully when I get back my head board will be consistent. No slats. Slats. Make up your freakin' mind already!
Reverend Brinks (to Horatio): Anyone ever tell you that you look just like Casey Freeman after a night out on the town?
Reverend Brinks: Gosh, Doc, ever hear of a bedside manner? Who the hell tells people waiting to hear news of people's conditions in the hospital that it was a "terrible death"?
Reverend Brinks: By the way, nurse, you were kind of a bitch in there for rushing me out with your "Please wait outside. Your 5 minutes is up" horse shit. Speaking of horses, what do you know about phase shifting horses?
Reverend Brinks: I see my head board is back to half slats again… kind of a weird design for a bed.
Pastor Frank: Do you always introduce yourself to people that way? It's kind of weird.
Reverend Brinks: Anyone ever tell you Frank that you have fucking enormous ears?! They are scaring me almost as much as the Evans' vampire bunny dog did!
Reverend Brinks: Is hell a lot like having giant huge ears, Frank? Because, seriously, I don't think I could live with those things…I would need like ear reduction surgery or something. Do you ALWAYS have a headache from all the noise you are picking up? Can you hear the out of phase horses?
Reverend Brinks: I mean obviously I know I am a shitty Reverend and don't know a lot, but I had no idea God was a bloodthirsty vampire. Although, that would explain all the weird-ass vampire bunny dogs running around.
Reverend Brinks: You know what I want to know, Pastor Frank? What kind of names are Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John for Judea? They just don't seem region relevant, do they? Oh and HIM, the emo, goth whiny love ballad guy? I AM a little afraid of HIM.
Reverend Brinks: You're kind of a crazy, scary old man Frank, anyone ever tell you that? Why is your hand on me? Is this what I've heard about in the news about inappropriate priests?
Reverend Brinks: Wait, I thought he just wanted blood…. You know, on account of the vampirism thing?
Reverend Brinks: Right, rose from the dead, like a vampire requiring blood, making me a new creature… got it. Or a zombie…. Hey Frank, ever see The Walking Dead show on AMC? It kicks ass and is honestly one of the reasons I think I am having all these nightmares… that shit is intense! That and the Evans' freak bunny vampire dog. Hey, is that thing God? I mean God is dog backwards… makes sense right?! Phase shifting horses too, they're also scary.
Reverend Brinks: I belong to HIM?! I belong to the emo, goth whiny love ballad guy? But I said I was afraid of HIM! Oh he is going to fuck with me for sure, like ass rape or something… in the butt! This is not good… not good at all!
Reverend Brinks: Ass rape is no joke…in the butt! In the butt! Heed this warning, watch out for HIM, phase shifting horses, freaky weird-ass vampire bunny dogs and creepy fear mongering big eared pastors if you want to avoid ass rape. Actually, it is probably just that last one in order to avoid the ass rape… oh and HIM. Yeah those two.
I want to make it clear that I did not mark this with a red pen, this is how I found it. I like to think that the previous owner of this little comic book was going through the steps meticulously and got a little confused.
Previous owner: Step 1. Check! I mean I know it says every day, but check! It's done! Um… every day! Yeah, Check! Step 2. Check! Yes, granted it is another everyday thing, but I am ticking these things off so fast by skirting that little everyday detail! Check for sure! Um… every day! Step 3. Hmmmm…a church…so like being baptized in my own vomit at the bar the other night doesn't count huh? I mean, I'm pretty sure I moaned, "Oh Jesus Christ" while doing it though. Tricky stuff this religious junk… a church (underline in red for emphasis). Okay we'll leave that one unchecked, for now.
Of course then they lost their little comic book in an elevator leaving their little tasks unfinished and unchecked for which they will likely burn in hell for, or get ass raped, or maybe they'll be eaten by a phase shifted horse and scary bunny dog. Who the hell knows?
Yup, you read that right: Chick Publications. The guy who writes these twisted little comic books is named Jack T. Chick and yes his initials are J.C.! I bet he loves that little fact. I also bet his little books are so fucking bizarre, because he's a man with the last name CHICK, which he probably got regular ass kickings and tauntings for, resulting in the twisting of his little mind at an early age.
So I put the little comic book in my pocket, while giggling about my find and all the ridiculous thoughts I had about it while reading it (which I have dutifully shared with you) and proceeded to my car and drove home. At home I checked my email to find this little comedic gem awaiting me in my inbox.
Really? Lucifer tweets? Lucifer is now following me on Twitter just moments after I find this twisted little Jesus freak comic book? What are the odds of these two events occurring in such a short time span? Choices… choices… should I follow him back? I mean, I always make it a point to follow back anyone who follows me simply out of courtesy. Besides, you can filter out all the Twittersphere noise with the use of lists anyway, so you're really just being a pretentious dick if you don't follow someone back who follows you. Wait, what exactly does Lucifer tweet? I should check it out.
Hmmm, you know, as a scientist who actually DOES process data all day, but often finds my thoughts wandering to all kinds of other fantastical things, this really hits a little too close to home for me. This Lucifer cat really seems to know me and the rest of his Tweets sure do seem peaceful and nice. Look, he follows everyone back out of courtesy too! Just like I do! Wait, does Jesus Tweet?! I have to research this shit.
Jesus kind of sounds like a whiny little bitch. What a dick too! He isn't following ANYONE, he just expects everyone to follow him! What a pretentious little turd! OH GOD, He tweets from an iPhone?! Fuck that, I'm out of here! Jesus is a whiny little fucktard pretentious hipster dick! I'm following Lucifer.
So yes, I guess technically I am now currently "following" Lucifer and according to the tweet he posted right after I followed him, this is all part of the plan of raising consciousness on this planet to unite everyone in peace. That's kind of sweet really, compared to all the mindless and senseless death that has been going on for so long in the name of God. There is so much hate, intolerance, and fear mongering wrapped up in the name of religion that maybe this holiday season we should try and do something different for a change. I guess I was going down after all.
So sincerely, from me to you and in all seriousness, Happy Holidays everyone!
Keep the joy and laughter flowing at all times!
Oh and if any of you are actually wondering what my "actual" religious beliefs are, this video is what I have officially listed as "Religious Views" in Facebook, it pretty much says it all.