By staff writer Brent Stone
June 10, 2007
Welcome, everyone, to Beaver Fever. I’d write you an introduction, but that’s Phelan’s thing, so instead let’s just jump right in.
I’m sure you all know by now that Facebook has added applications. Because this is the closest thing to real news college students have heard since Facebook added the mini-feed, I feel a duty as a third-rate college humorist to make some clever insight about it. Unfortunately, it’s finals week, and that’s just too much work, so you get this instead.
Here, boys and girls, is a list of as many Facebook applications as I could go through before I got tired of writing about them. Needless to say, I haven’t tried any of these applications or done any research, but they do have little blurbs and some of my friends have actually added some of these, so I’m feeling pretty qualified. I’ve also grouped them into categories, because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Anyway, here we go.
No one else cares about what you like.
iLike: This one’s to tell people what your favorite music is. I thought that’s what the “favorite music” part of the profile was for.
“So help me God, if any of you ever throws a virtual piece of pizza at me…”
Movies: I actually did some research here. Unfortunately, you can’t rate pornos, and it’s not like any of my Facebook friends are qualified to judge real movies.
Quizzes: If no one else cares about what you like, what makes you think they’re going to go out of the way to get tested on it? I don’t go to my Spanish quizzes or my STD tests, so believe me when I say I’m not going out of my way to visit yours.
Locations: “Oh shit dude, what happened last night? … Cocaine?! … We’re in Mexico?!?! Holy shit bro, hold on, I’ve gotta put this up on my locations Facebook app!”
Election '08: One clever guy out there will use this to convince some hot activist girl of his strong political inclinations (he’s never voted) to get in her pants. Also, Nathan DeGraaf may use this to display his appreciation for Ron Paul’s coreness. Besides them, none of you should bother with this, because the only things your friends care about less than your taste in books, movies and music are your thoughts on politics.
Lyrics: This allows you to “Post your favourite lyrics on your Facebook profile.” Because, y’know, you couldn’t have done that before.
If you’re going to turn your profile into MySpace, we probably weren’t friends anyway.
Top Friends: Because all the higher schoolers on Facebook felt powerless and uneasy when they couldn’t use threats of “Top 8 removal” to maintain power among their social groups.
Top Friends: Turns out there’s another one that’s almost identical… fantastic.
(fluff)Friends: This fantastic little app allows you to add a cute little cartoon character to your profile. Interestingly enough, of the 286,136 users who currently have this app installed, 286,132 are Asian girls between the age of 10 and 15, and four are overweight white men who wish they were Asian girls between the age of 10 and 15.
YouTube Skins: Now that you’ve got a nice diamond-bordered video of “The Sweetest Escape” by Gwen Stefani in your profile, you’re just one seizure-inducing background color away from freezing my computer.
Animals: No longer just for hunting, eating, and sex!
Dogbook: This allows you to create a profile for your dog, because when you’ve only got 7 friends, you really do need that little boost from Rover.
Catbook: For all those crazy spinsters out there on Facebook.
A Bunny Picture: It just puts a picture of a bunny in your profile… seriously though, the bunnies are pretty cute—hold on, I’m gonna add this to my profile.
If you’re playing games on Facebook, you definitely have too much time on your hands.
Red Bull Roshambull: Get it? Rosham“bull.” It’s no Court Sullivan pun, but I’m guessing all the people at that office are too perpetually caffeinated to do better.
Food Fight!: So help me God, if any of you ever throws a virtual piece of pizza at me, I’ll virtually digest it and shit it on your virtual lawn.
If you’re going to be Facebooking drunk anyway, maybe these will help you out.
Cocktail Recipes: Wow, an application that revolves around liquor… it’s as though someone out there thinks that there are actually enough college students on Facebook to bother targeting a program at them. Miraculous!
Unthirsty: No jokes to be made here—Unthirsty is a happy hour finder. This alone may justify the existence of Facebook applications as a whole.
Others—because coming up with categories was harder than I thought.
Causes: I’ll put down a donation for the first person who makes a “If I get some large amount of money, I’ll put myself through bodily harm/humiliate myself/humiliate the only girl who will ever date me by performing lewd sexual acts on her and videotaping them” group.
Favorite Peeps!: First of all, bad form on putting an exclamation point at the end of the name—don’t try and force excitement on me while I’m Facebooking. Anyway, this lets you write what you think about other people. Unfortunately, I doubt there will be enough drunk people writing “Mike is: HAHAHHAH LITTLE PENIS FAG UR FAT N UR GIRL HAS HIIIIIIIIIV” and too many high school girls writing about how beautiful their little pudgy friends look in their new braces.
HOT or NOT: God, it’s satisfying knowing that the 1 I gave that near-perfect specimen of a woman is going to bring her total score down .003 and send her over the line into full-blown anorexia.
X Me: This expands what you can do to people beyond poke; unfortunately, I’m not sure if you get to choose from a preselected set of options that are undoubtedly really gay, or if you can write in your own. If it’s the former, this blows; if the latter, expect to wake up to “you have been molested by your priest, like when you were six.”
Horoscopes: You should be getting these from our resident certified horoscope specialist* Xavier Holland.
Not actually certified or a horoscope specialist.
Hang Out With Me: I’m so lonely… so lonely…
Rupture: I’m just going to quote the description and leave it at that. “This application will publish your World of Warcraft character pictures and statistics onto your Facebook profile. Data about your character can be pulled from the Armory or from an optional Rupture client application.”
Training: Because even though you’re not doing any of it, damn, that regimen looks impressive.
Leaky News: This comes from The Leaky Cauldron, one of the largest Harry Potter fan sites in the internet. Not only does it allow you to add a countdown to your profile (I assume these will either be used for counting down to the date the next Harry Potter book comes out or the next time you’re going to masturbating to Harry Potter fan fic erotica about Hermione blowing Snape after class to maintain her GPA), it also allows you to “display your favorite episode of PotterCast, a podcast published by The Leaky Cauldron.” I could make a joke, but is it really necessary?
Jewster: This one makes your nose grow three sizes and causes your wallet to become sealed shut.