>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
May 22, 2005
Ahh, summertime, hot weather, ice cream cones, giant bazoombas in your face that have been hibernating all damn winter. Yes, summer is a lovely time, especially for fans of cinema. So here, without further ado (and sorely lacking my typical retardedly long intros that go nowhere), my summer movie preview:
Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith
Hey! I actually saw this one! Great Scott! Well, then here's a brief review. Hayden Christensen: worst actor ever. Yoda threw down. Was it just me or were the special effects kinda shitty? Surprisingly compelling ending. The geeks in the theater loved it, but then they were applauding when they saw Natalie Portman's neck, probably the closest they will ever get to a woman.
Justin's Grade: Mild stiffy.
“For the record, I just don't get why girls love Johnny Depp so much. He looks like a child molester who collects heads in hisfreezer.”
Longest Yard
Everyone who has seen the original is already calling for Sandler's head for potentially Waterboying up a classic. Well, I've never seen the Burt Reynolds predecessor (and I call myself a football fan), but here's what I do know: Sandler hasn't made a good movie since 1996, Chris Rock's movie career is utterly horrendous (you don't see too many people with Pootie Tang on DVD, now do you?), Nelly and Michael Irvin are also involved. And the trailer…yikes, I've heard more laughing during that episode of Boy Meets World when Topanga moved to Pittsburgh (absolutely, unequivocally the most depressing thirty minutes of my childhood).
Justin's Grade: Quite limp.
Cinderella Man
Probably the worst title ever…I assumed drag queens were involved. Anyway, Russell Crowe boxes, and Renee Zellwegger is looking ugly this time. What's with her anyway? Is she attractive or not? I thought she was positively fetching in Jerry Maguire, and then Quagmire goes and references her to avoid an erection. Can someone post her on that HotOrNot website so we can put an end to this?
Mr. And Mrs. Smith
Ahh the movie that broke up the Pitts. By the way, Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Aniston is the new Roe vs. Wade. Which one is Tyler Durden better off with? I pick Angelina. She's slightly hotter, slightly younger, and has an Oscar. Besides, with FRIENDS over, what the hell is Jennifer Aniston going to do with her time? A sequel to “Picture Perfect”? Well played, Floyd.
Justin's Grade: Relaxed boner.
Batman Begins
I can't believe I'm looking forward to this. The last two Batmans ate so much ass they got a stomachache and couldn't figure out which end to shit from. Still, the director also did “Memento.” Christian Bale gave probably the best acting performance I've ever seen in “American Psycho.” (Seriously, how did anyone pull off the “Don't just stare at it…eat it!” line with a straight face.) Plus, we get Katie Holmes, and the Batsuit doesn't look like something out of a gay bondage flick.
Justin's Grade: Boner that makes its way through the boxer-hole. (Anyone else tired of my staggeringly immature rating system yet? Meneither.)
War of the Worlds
Last time Spielberg and Cruise got together, we got “Minority Report,” one of the best movies I've ever seen. Granted, the whole aliens attack Earth concept is soooooooooo 1996. And “Signs” was about as scary as a three-pack of tube socks (“oooh, a glass of water, hope I don't crap myself!”). Whatever, if anyone can do it, Spielberg can.
Justin's Grade: Erection while trying to pee…big mess, but fun mess.
Fantastic Four
Yeah, I realize I just endorsed Batman, but whatever…I am sick to death of superhero movies. First of all, they bring out all those irksome comic book geeks. Remember in elementary school there were two phylum of guys: comic book geeks and baseball card junkies, with only a few exceptions, like the Mary who jumped rope with the girls and by sixth grade had mastered Double Dutch…and tossing salads. Well, I did baseball cards, and even though my cousin ripping off my $35 Frank Thomas rookie card made me stick my head in the oven for the entire 1995 season, we just felt a certain sense of superiority to those kids who dressed up as He-Man every fucking Halloween and were oblivious to the blazing homosexual overtones.
As for Fantastic Four, the only reason to see this movie is for Jessica Alba, and from what I hear she's invisible, so what's the point?
Justin's Grade: Zipper-chaffing boner.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
For the record, I just don't get why girls love Johnny Depp so much. He looks like a child molester who collects heads in his freezer. Yeah, he's a good actor, but so is Steve Buscemi, and where's his topless Premiere Magazine cover? (In the writing biz, we call that “writing an image.”) Still, Depp looks fuckin' creepy here, but I'm sure girls are still going to deep sea diving in their pants when he's on screen fondling Augustus Gloop. Just another reason they should revoke women's right to vote.
Justin's Grade: The scared kind of limp.
Wedding Crashers
Looks utterly hilarious. Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson always bring the funny. Christopher Walken is there just to remind us he's still the funniest man alive. I smell Oscar buzz.
Justin's Grade: Rafael Palmeiro.