Dumb and Dumber is the greatest comedy ever made.
There's no argument. You had Jim Carrey in his comic prime, Jeff Daniels, a serious actor who absolutely nailed the part, Lauren Holly when she was still attractive, and some of the sickest humor imaginable. You also had the Farrelly Brothers, who had a remarkable hot streak (Dumb and Dumber, Kingpin, Mary and Irene) before making public service announcements disguised as comedies. They also made the egregious Fever Pitch, which managed to turn the entire country against Red Sox fans.
Hey, speaking of the Red Sox… as many of you know they got royally screwed by the Devil's Bitches this past weekend, somehow getting swept in a five-game series. First, you have to hand it to the Yankees. The way they were able to get on track and play solid baseball with only $180 million of their $210 million payroll is extraordinary. What a gutsy underdog those Yanks are… Disney should make a movie about them. For the record, I don't hold it against Theo Epstein for not mortgaging our farm system to win a few games, it's not his fault the Yankees were able to spring a deal against a staggeringly overmatched GM (Abreu and a pitcher for four non-major league ready prospects? Who's running this team? Jessica Simpson?).
“As much as I love Chad Johnson, asking these guys to get the Bengals back to the playoffs is like asking Ben Affleck not to ruin Good Will Hunting 2.'”
Maybe it's all this bad shit happening at once. Nixon and Tek getting hurt, the bullpen going down in flames like the last 45 minutes of Wedding Crashers, the morbidly useless Coco Crisp, the fact that Terry Francona shouldn't be trusted with a grocery list. And before you say, “Well the Yankees have problems, too,” let me remind you, it's a lot easier to deal with problems when you have unlimited assets and Jeter, Arod, Damon, Giambi, Rivera, Mussina and the Big Unit backing you up. Not that I'm complaining.
Besides, with the Red Sox going to hell, it allows me to focus on one of my favorite times of the year, the start of the NFL season. Even though DeGraaf beat me to it, the NFL season is a blast. It makes Sundays matter again (sorry, Jesus), and gets everyone geared up for Madden, fantasy, and Jets fans bitching and moaning for three months. Good times? No, great times.
So, with a little help from my favorite comedy, here are 15 quotes and subplots for the 2006 NFL season.
Obvious, overwrought disclaimer: If you're thinking to yourself, “Say, doesn't Bill Simmons do this?” stop thinking that. Let's all just calm down.
1
Lloyd: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?
Elderly woman: Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
Lloyd: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
Elderly woman: Of course.
Lloyd: Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!
My favorite exchange of the movie, made even better with the use of the Nick Cave classic “Red Right Hand,” and a fake Providence adult weekly called R.I. Slut. This goes to Brett Favre, America's hero, who can throw 200 interceptions if he'd like and everyone would still polish his balls. Here's the thing: I was watching Aaron Rodgers in a preseason game, and he's pretty good. Now, he's stuck behind some hick has-been who makes the gayest little expression every time the Packers are getting blown out (in particular, that thing where he puts his hand over his cheek and makes a half smile as though to say, “Sorry I threw 4 INTs, I'm such a silly goose”).
People need to get off Favre's nuts. He was a great quarterback, now he's no different than Jerry Rice, who stayed too long and embarrassed himself, but everyone gives Rice shit. It's racist! Where's Scoop Jackson when you need him?
2
Lloyd: We don't usually pick up hitchhikers… but I'm-a gonna go with my instincts on this one. Saddle up partner!
The biggest mistake of the movie, Harry and Lloyd picking up one of Andre's henchmen, goes to the biggest mistake of the off-season, the Cowboys signing Terrell Owens. I love this, the worst teammate in sports trying to cope with a coach who notoriously offends his players and a quarterback who's playing style for the past six years could best be described as “plodding.” This is going to be like watching retards play with dynamite.
3
Lloyd: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad!
Harry: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
To the teams taking a step back this year, and I'm picking Cincy and Seattle. Cincy, a team that had more off-the-field problems than a menopausal softball team, going to battle with a QB coming off a huge injury and trying to keep hope alive in a hopeless football city. As much as I love Chad Johnson, who's like Terrell Owens without the douchebag, asking these guys to get the Bengals back to the playoffs is like asking Ben Affleck not to ruin “Good Will Hunting 2.”
As for Seattle, the last four Super Bowl runner-ups missed the playoffs, and worse, its star running back signed a huge multi-year contract AND appeared on the cover of Madden (I believe he's also going to fellate a black cat under a ladder before the first home game).
4
Harry: So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya know?
Harry: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
To Mike Martz, former offensive genius who crippled a Super Bowl team, ruined Kurt Warner's career (which had already been ruined once), ignored Marshall Faulk and his descendent Stephen Jackson, and irked hardcore football fans everywhere with a smarmy coaching style. He's the type of guy who'd get his ass handed to him in beer pong, then challenge everyone in the bar to a shot contest. Now he's coaching a Lions offense headed by Jon Kitna. That makes me smile. It's like Deborah Gibson doing a guest spot on Lizzie Maguire. Christ I hate Mike Martz.
5
Lloyd: You're it.
Harry: You're it.
Lloyd: You're it, quitsies!
Harry: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd: You can't do that!
Harry: Can too!
Lloyd: Cannot, stamp it!
Harry: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
Lloyd: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.
Harry: No, you can't do that… you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!
Lloyd: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Harry: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!
The most hilariously annoying exchange in the movie, goes to the hilariously annoying Raiders situation. You've got a temperamental wide receiver who demands a certain number of passes per game, even though he's admitted in the past to taking plays off, and the guy throwing to him is Aaron Brooks. Aaron Brooks?! Captain Underachiever? Maybe we shouldn't worry about Bledsoe-Owens, isn't Brooks-Moss a much bigger soap opera? And they're both black, so there's drive-by potential! And it's all happening in Oakland. You think Spike Lee is already planning a four-hour HBO documentary on this?
6
Lloyd: Hey, guys. Big gulps, huh? Cool. All right! Well, see ya later.
My favorite one-liner in the movie, goes to my favorite team, the New England Patriots. I know they lost their kicker and 72-year-old outside linebacker, but they still have Rodney Harrison, Richard Seymour, Dillon, maybe Branch, Light and Bruschi. Oh yeah, and the best quarterback in football, but I forget his name. I'm predicting 12-4, demolish the Colts twice and fall to the Steelers in the AFC title.
7
Harry: Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
To the Buffalo Bills, my pick for the worst team in football. I kind of feel bad, but do they have any intention on winning? It's clear to anyone with eyes that J.P. Losman sucks, McGahee is overrated and can't do shit without a quarterback to defend him. The defense is below average and they're poorly coached. Oh, and their division is super-hard. So what did they do this off-season? Draft a defensive tackle and sign the A-train, who's been derailed since before I had pubic hair. Other than all that, they're not bad.
8
Lloyd: Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?
Flo, Waitress #1: It's the Soup of the Day.
Lloyd: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.
To Edgerrin James, one of those Adrian Beltre-like signings that looks great on paper and inexplicably ends up ruining a franchise. I like the Edge, but he's overrated, fumbles a lot, took advantage of a famously pass-heavy system and isn't used to getting more than 20 carries a game, which he'll undoubtedly have to do in Arizona. Come to think of it, I hate the Edge. Let's move on.
9
Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.
To Ricky Williams, who broke his arm about three snaps into his illustrious CFL career. Why is Miami even bothering with him? It's universally accepted Ronnie Brown is a stud—the guy crippled the franchise in 2004 by retiring about six minutes before the regular season… and all for weed. For some reason, T.O. gets all sorts of shit for making fun of his quarterback, but a guy completely quits on his team so he can smoke weed and everyone feels sorry for them and roots for him to succeed. It's like people feeling sorry for Maurice Clarett, a prick who had his whole life ahead of him if he'd have just played ball, but instead he bitched and moaned, and now he's tied to an Israeli mobster. (And it's one thing to be connected to the mob, but the Jew mob? What do they do? Guilt people to death? Give me a break.)
10
Lloyd: We got no food, no jobs… our PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!”
To the New York Jets, a veritable “will he or won't he” factory of incompetence? Will Pennington start? Will Martin retire? Will Mangini rip out a guy's heart and hold it up to the sunlight? Personally, I think they're better than the Dolphins, if all goes right. They're schedule is super-easy, Pennington is at least good at leading the team, Martin is a truly great RB. Yes, they're a wild card team, but don't hold me to that.
11
Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
I've got a special feeling about my next team, your 2006 Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Is there a more complete team in football? Amazing defense, well-coached, solid QB in the Brady mold, great running back (Willie Parker, who's inexplicably getting shit for fantasy consideration, even though he's a mortal lock for a 1300 yard season). Yeah, they had a rough off-season (Big Ben's motorcycle accident, Bettis retiring and spreading a rumor that Cowher wanted to retire). But did they lose anybody? A glorified punt returner and a fatass running back who nearly blew last year's Divisional playoff? Big deal.
As much as I love the Colts (wow, that sarcasm just caused my computer to shake), I'm going with Pitt.
12
Lloyd: What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me… ending up together?
Mary: Well, that's pretty difficult to say.
Lloyd: Hit me with it! I've come a long way to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.
Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance.
To the Indianapolis Colts, once again 4-1 odds to win the Super Bowl, even though they famously blow it in January. Can you honestly think of another phenomena where people consistently get excited over something that continually shits the bed when it matters? Is this what it's like to be a Democrat? Anyway, I think the Colts are a playoff team, but only because the NFL won't have it any other way. I'm not ready to write this now, but I'm concerned the Colts have taken over the Yankees as my most hated team.