>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
September 5, 2004
Okay, tangent alert: Doesn't RNC sound like a sexually transmitted disease. Symptoms include an infection of the Bush? Wait for it. Wait for it. Dammit. It sounded funnier in my head. For months, I wanted to vote Kerry. Not because I much liked Kerry. That Botox scares the crap out of me. It sickened me that he wanted to be called John F. Kerry, a transparent reminder of Kennedy. He didn't even have any issues! Anytime he was asked about his policies, he rambled for a couple of minutes about God knows what, then concluded with “GEORGE BUSH IS EVIL! DO YOU WANT YOUR SON TO DIE IN IRAQ? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? CHECK OUT MY ‘NAM MEDALS!” Still, I was planning to vote Kerry. Why? The same everyone else is going to vote Kerry. Because he's not Bush. Well, that's no reason to vote for a President. I have a personal rule never to draft Derek Jeter in a fantasy baseball draft, but I wouldn't go so far to draft Frank Catalanotto. And the Presidential race is almost as important as fantasy baseball.
So I mulled. And mulled. And mulled some more. And finally I decided. Fuck it, I'm voting Bush.
“Oh geez, he's lost his damn mind!” they'll say. “What a hypocrite!” “Why am I reading this garbage?” “Dude, pass the bong!” I don't care. I'm voting Bush. Why? Good question.
Luckily, I've made a list of answers. It's kind of like Schindler's List, but shorter, funnier, no Liam Neeson, Spielberg didn't direct it, it's not a nominee for Best Picture, and I took out the whole Holocaust angle. Other than that, the same.
CHAPTER 1: He's Adorable
Seriously. He's that kid from third grade who couldn't read aloud worth a shit so the teacher always made him stop after one sentence of grammatical debauchery. He's a lost little boy. How can you not root for that? Are you that soulless? Did you laugh during Elliot's crying scenes in E.T.? Of course you didn't.
CHAPTER 2: His Incompetence is Spellbinding
Wouldn't you much rather have a complete idiot for a President? Seriously, he's only the President. He can't dick up the country all that much, can he? I mean even in Bush's Pauly Shore-esque tenure, he's only been partly responsible for not finding the most lethal terrorist of all time (as well as funding his family), and sent us to war for vague reasons that could best be described politically and analytically as “Der.”
Isn't it more fun when the Pres is a moron? In this day and age, can't we always depend on getting a good laugh from our nutjob President? Joey was the stupidest character on FRIENDS. But nobody wanted him gone. Now the fucker's got
his own spinoff! What does that tell you? America loves stupidity.
CHAPTER 3: Think of Jon Stewart
Look at the success of the Daily Show. It went from the Lewinsky scandal straight to a President who probably couldn't work a DVD Player without a book titled: “HOW TO WORK A DVD PLAYER” and a specialist brought in to read it to him.
The jokes just write themselves. Except for me. My jokes are on strike. Anyway, we need the comic potential. In a country where we can't count on much, shouldn't we at least have the right to count on a half-hour nightly dissing of our imbecile of a President?
CHAPTER 4: Maybe Bill O'Reilly will Shut Up
Imagine if Kerry gets elected. O'Reilly will shit a brick house and the little pig that lives there. If Bush wins, he'll be contented, like Patriots fans. Our goal should be a controversy-free America if for no other reason than to keep that ignorant piece of shit quiet.
CHAPTER 5: We Don't Want to See a Republican Cry
Most Repubs are silver spoon-fed cock smokers who expect everything to go their way. Seeing these people cry is such an affront to the world we're used to. It'd be too much to handle.
CHAPTER 6: Who Doesn't Love a Good War
Seriously, we should just keep the troops there forever. Why not? And I'm so glad Bush finally found the men responsible for 9/11. Huh? NO. BUSH FOUND THE MEN RESPONSIBLE FOR 9/11. HE SAID SO. I BELIEVE HIM.
CHAPTER 7: Think of Michael Moore
You think anyone wants to see “Fahrenheit: Kerry”? Heavens no. “Fahrenheit: 9/11” was a hit because people united and were intrigued by how dangerously incompetent our leader was. Beats the fuck out of “I,
Robot.”
CHAPTER 8: People Care Now
America used to be stricken with such intense apathy. No one gave a rat's ass who was President. Now, people have banded together and slammed “ROCK THE VOTE!” bumper stickers on my ass. America has become political. Only took 200 years. Thank you President Bush. Four more wars, ahem, years!
Good Article! I like how you basically wrote an article on how to be you. smart thinking….The Beech is better bitch.
Beech4Ever
Fits in with the tone of this week's column. Irony and praising stupidity. Well played Mrs. Beech.