>>> Four More Years
By staff writer Jon Doell
May 4, 2005
You are a liar. Don't try to deny it, everyone lies, and college students may do it more than anyone else. It is as much a part of life as eating and sleeping and not doing homework. Over the course of a day, you will probably lie to most of the people you meet. You will lie to your friends, your girlfriend (or about having a girlfriend), your parents, bosses and judges. In fact, lying is the one thing that you have in common with politicians and Michael Jackson. That and the fact that you are white. And probably child molesters.
Because your friends and roommates are the people you see the most of while you are away at college, and since you want these people to like you, you might as well lie to make yourself seem cool. You can tell them that you were studying when you were actually looking at Internet porn, because you are still shy about your budding sexuality. You will also probably tell them that you were looking at Internet porn when you were actually studying, because you are still shy about being a nerd. I'll admit it, I've lied to my friends, and I'd like to come clean. Friends, I didn't sleep with Jessica Alba. Now you know the truth, I hope you can still look at me the same way. Some people might even lie to you, telling you that you should hang out together, and then never calling you again, but those are not what you would call friends. You might not call them friends, Mr. Popular, but I do. I do because I crave acceptance and I have absolutely no social skills, so you just quit talking shit about my friends. Thanks.
“Remember, if you lie and cross the fingers on both of your hands, they cancel each other out. It's simple math, so be careful.”
Regardless of how independent you think you might be, there will invariably come a time in your life that you will need your parents to help you out. This process will be made easier if everything you have told them since you went to school has been a lie. Instead of telling your parents that you have wasted your entire budget for the year on alcohol, you need to make up stories they want to hear. If you are out of money, it's because your professor assigned five new books you needed to buy, and not because you bought a new big screen TV. If you are out of food, it's because you gave all of yours to the local homeless shelter, and not because you tried to see how many gross foods you and your friends could funnel in one night. Pretty much all you have to do is say the exact opposite of the truth, and your parents will be happy. Unless you don't masturbate twice a day, don't tell them the exact opposite of that.
The lies in the parent-child relationship do not just flow one way. Your parents have been lying to you for your entire life. From the existence of Santa to the existence of the Tooth Fairy, and everything in between (which is basically just the existence of the Easter Bunny), your parents have been lying to you. While these lies will destroy the innocence of your childhood, there are points in your life, where if your parents didn't lie to you, it might destroy your very soul (assuming that you are religious, if not, you will probably just feel very, very sick). What I am obviously talking about is your parents' sex life. In the same way that they don't want to hear about you alcohol binges, you want to know absolutely nothing about their private lives.
Mom: “Jon, what you saw last night was not what it looked like. You see honey, when a man and a woman are in a long term relationship, they have to express their feelings, and sometimes that expression might look like Mommy and Daddy are fighting, but we were just playing with each other. Now please stop crying.”
Jon: “Mom, the cops don't just show up and arrest dad for playing. It looked like you were fighting because you hit him with a frying pan and charged him with domestic assault. My god, why can't you just have sex like a normal couple? And since it's my birthday party, I'll cry if I want to.”
Before you go and continue lying to everyone you know, there are a few things that you can do to make your lies more believable and possibly get away with them, so follow these tips to a lifetime of deceit.
Tip 1: Precede all of your lies with “This is the god's honest truth. Really, you have to believe this. I am honestly NOT lying.” This will give the target of your lies a reason to believe that you are in fact telling the truth. Now go ahead and lie to them.
Tip 2: Crossing your fingers while you are talking to someone is still a valid excuse to make sure that you are not caught lying. The same tactic you used when you were 8 years old works just as well now. Remember however, that if you cross the fingers on both of your hands, they cancel each other out. It's simple math, so be careful.
Tip 3: It is very important to have the correct body language when you are lying. Be sure to make eye contact and stand with good posture. Also, if you are made of wood, be sure to cover your nose, because that's a dead giveaway.
Tip 4: When you are finished spinning your web of deceit, wink at the person you are talking to, put your hands in your pockets and whistle innocently while staring at the sky.
But I should go now, because this time I honestly just got a booty call from Jessica Alba. Honestly. *Wink, followed by whistling*