I'm used to being passed over for promotion by my peers and even my juniors but today took the biscuit (and then made it part of a packed lunch). Today was ridiculous enough to convince me of a higher being, who not only has a questionable sense of humor but who is spending the eighth day of creation poking me in the ribs. They interviewed a candidate for a position above mine who was a Schmuck. Literally, his name was Schmuck.
Apparently Mr. Schmuck pronounces his name Schmook, like the German word for jewelry. I'm not falling for it; the man is a Schmuck on paper. I can't get a promotion and they're interviewing a Schmuck. Not only that but Mr. Schmuck doesn't have a job right now: he's a poor Schmuck!
And then came the epiphany: I'm even lower in the company pecking order than a poor Schmuck.
What does that make me? A blogger I suppose. What would happen if my boss were a Schmuck? How would I feel about working for a Schmuck? If I hand in a deliverable late do I get told off by a Schmuck? Please no.
I was in two minds about whether to even publish this post. What if someone traced the Schmuck back to me? How many Schmucks can there be in the world? Just think of the scandal if it was discovered that I'm actually CEO of Exxon/Fidel Castro/the guy who invented singing birthday cards. What if all my readers suddenly discovered that I am not, as I so often claim, a disgruntled desk-monkey trapped in the corporation from Purgatory, who is fighting the machine and inflicting no damage in the process?
But hold on, maybe there are other Schmucks out there: engineers, consultants, bankers! I bet there's a lot of Schmucks in banking. I needn't have worried. There are a lot of Schmucks in banking. A quick check on LinkedIn and there's at least 404 Schmucks in the workforce. At any one time there could be a hundred Schmucks looking for work. Don't even ask how many Schmucks there are on Facebook (about 2,300; thanks for asking). We're practically being overrun by Schmucks.
So why not celebrate all the hard-working Schmucks in the world who are handling our taxes, managing offices, underwriting our insurance and who knows what else? Why not indeed. So on this week's Workforced I have picked my top five Schmucks. I'll count it down like a radio pop chart:
Don Joe's Top 5 Schmucks
5. Our number five Schmuck this week is Jonathon Schmuck, a glass artist in California. Honestly, that is one talented Schmuck. It appears that he doesn't use glass blowing techniques. You heard it here first, not all Schmucks blow.
4. At number four we have Roman Schmuck, a tax advisor in Germany. I want to meet Roman Schmuck and shake his hand. I would much rather shake hands with Roman Schmuck before I die than swim with dolphins. I'd ask him if he'd ever been to a fancy dress party dressed as Brutus. Ah Roman Schmuck, come in, I see you've dressed as a Roman schmuck. Priceless.
3. Taking the number three spot is Ashley Schmuck, an office manager near St. Louis. Someone, somewhere, really is being managed by A. Schmuck. It just goes to show, you don't have to be A. Schmuck to get on in business but sometimes it helps.
2. At number two who else but Bob Schmuck, Director of Safety at Overland Park Regional Medical Center. That's right, there's a Schmuck in charge of medical safety. Lives depend on this Schmuck. Bob Schmuck, I salute you.
1. And the coolest Schmuck of them all goes to Frank Schmuck, 2008 candidate for Arizona legislator. His list of achievements is quite something. I'd have no problem voting for this Schmuck. I'd do it just for the "I vote Schmuck" badge.
Don Joe is the author behind the hilarious office comedy blog Workforced. For more of his writing you can check out www.workforced.com.