My Abridged Going Away Speech

So I left the USA—my home for 30 solid years—to teach English in the ROK (Republic of Korea). Moving made me sad. But, my friends threw a party! Which made me happy. Here's a little look at my awful going away speech, which I seemed to steal from endless different sources and then hopelessly butcher. There's a saying, "Good writers borrow. Great writers steal." You'd be really stretching it so say I'm just a good writer, but anyway, I'll just leave footnotes to where I "borrowed stuff." Here goes:

KC'S FRIENDS: Speech! Speech! Speech!

KC: Fine, I'll give a speech.

KC'S FRIENDS: You suck!

KC: Hey. Fuck you! Okay. Um. Shit. I should not have taken those shots. Well, somebody's going to get disappointed in the sack tonight. Oh well. So, I guess I'll start.

I am about to embark on this great journey, for which I've trained these many months. But this crusade will not be easy. My enemy is well-equipped and battle hardened. They are middle schoolers.¹

Don't say goodbye. It's too hard. Let's just say, Bon Voyage.² I just want you to know. This isn't going to be a goodbye speech. It's a goodnight speech.³ I'll be back in the morning. Or some other time.

Holy shit, I am fucking hammered right now. Okay, where was I?

Okay, I'm going to start sending out postcards. I want you to send postcards to me. I don't give a shit where the fuck they're from, because that doesn't matter. I want them from you. Because all of you fucktards and shitbirds matter to me. And, because postcards are the new Twitter.⁴ I want to know what's up and what you're doing. And just knowing that there are people all over the country or the world or whatever who miss me and I miss them, that will be a huge comfort.

KC: (KC points) Hey look, those people are making out!

Anywho. For now, forget about all your troubles. Forget about Antfarm Keyboard. That's, that's just brilliant. But I want you to take this moment. And make it yours.⁵

And patriotism. I should probably say something about patriotism. Um, ask not what you can do for your country, but what you can do for somebody else's country when they pay your rent and let you teach their little fucking children how fucking speak proper fucking English. And shit.⁶ But have no fear. Because you have nothing to fear, but fear itself.⁷ And bill collectors. But if you're in a different country, fuck ‘em if they can't take a joke.⁸

I shall return. I shall.⁹ Unless I meet a really hot Korean chick with huge tits. Real or fake. Doesn't matter. She has got to have great cans. Or a sweet ass. Preferably both.

KC'S FRIEND WHO'S A GIRL: What if you die there? Or get blown up?

KC: Who fucking cares? I've already been as close as I can to dying. A few times. A few too many times. I didn't get my last words tattooed on my lip or a bullseye tattooed on my back because I'm afraid of death.¹⁰ But I guess if somebody does strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.¹¹ And maybe I'll resurrect with adamantium claws or laser beam eyes or something bitchin'.

I should probably say some shit about love. But I don't really remember what I wanted to say. Something something something and love remain. And love? I think maybe it's friendship, fun, strength, and love all remain. But the greatest of these is love.¹² No, that can't be right. I was in love once. And that ended. That wasn't great at all. In the end, all I had were friendships and strength. And empty bottles of Jameson. So maybe, in the end, the most important things in the world are love, strength, whiskey, and friends. But the greatest of these are strong whiskey and friends.

When I look out into this crowd of familiar and drunk faces, I don't see a bunch of students, bouncers, and bartenders. I don't see people with regular jobs. I see a bunch of animals.¹³ Animals with all of the potential in the world. So use it to do something great.

And make sure you're one of the good guys. Because there are definitely enough of the bad.¹⁴

Shit. I really wanted to say something about the stars. Give me a second. Um. Oh yeah. In the end, I want you to watch the sky for me, tonight.¹⁵ Look up, and know that six thousand miles away, I'll be looking up at the same moon, same stars, same space. Except I'll be like, fifteen hours ahead of you. Or behind you. I don't remember which. But, I'll be thinking about you and shit.

So that's pretty much all I have to say about that.¹⁶

KC'S FRIEND: Aren't you forgetting something really important?

KC: I have no fucking clue how to write my address.

KC'S FRIEND: Um, your slogan….

KC: Oh yeah. Blah blah blah. You're the best!¹⁷ And shit. Let's take more shots!