>>> Primal Urges January 16, 2008
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
Nathan: Ain’t a lot of things worth rushing off a toilet for.
Dave: How profound.
Nathan: Fuck you.
I do a lot of my best thinking on the can. I was on the can when I came up with this column idea here. If it weren’t for the shitter, I don’t know if I’d even have the imaginative capacity to write for this website. To quote my Uncle Elmer, “You gotta love the indoor plumbing.”
Anyway, while I was on the can today, I had to rush a shit because I had a big presentation about ten minutes later. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t fret being a little late to a presentation but hey, money’s tight, and I’m trying the girlfriend thing again. Cash is a necessity when you’re drinking liquor for two.
Now, rushing a shit is about one of the most un-enjoyable things a person can do. I mean, it’s up there with paying income taxes and getting tested for Chlamydia. Personally, I’d rather take a right cross from Marvin Haggler than have to rush a shit again. And that got me thinking.
“There’s always the chance I could shit all over her while we fuck.”
I think we can gauge exactly how important an event is by whether or not we would rush a shit for it. And in doing so, we can then also gauge exactly what is important to us, and from that we can determine the kind of people we are. Because let’s face it: we are what we’d rush off the can for.
After careful consideration (on the can, no less) I determined the top four things that would make me rush a shit, risk incomplete bowl emptying, possible staining of the drawers, and just generally mess up my comfort level for an hour or so.
Ready or not, here we list.
Money
If I have to be uncomfortable for an hour or three…well, that’s worth an extra grand. Hell, for five figures, I’ll hold that shit in all day. For ten figures, I’ll go two days without taking a crap. Sure, I’ll be one bitter, constipated son of a bitch, but I’ll be a rich one.
And just think of the size of the shit I’d get to take while counting up all that cash. Fucking A.
Sex
Rare is the sex I’d have to rush to get, but well, if she was ten minutes from grabbing a cab to fly away forever, well…I mean, I’d just have to risk a little comfort. And besides, there’s always the chance I could shit all over her while we fuck. And those kind of stories are great for a laugh. And I love stories that make people laugh. What can I say? I’m a shitty person.
The Last Beer
I will shit on your foot if you even try to take it, asshole. That is mine. Enough said.
A Chance to Save the Life of a Friend or Relative
When someone you love screams in terror, well, I mean only the coldest of dudes would be all like, “Fuck. Hold on, let me wipe my ass first. Be there in a minute.”
Yeah, that ain’t happening.
So basically, there are only four things that could get me off a toilet quickly, which means that there are only four things that I truly love: money, sex, liquor, and family/friends.
According to my glossary of shit-stained personalities, this means I’m more of a Joey than a Chandler.
And I can live with that.
I guess.