>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
June 29, 2005
Steve: So what's next week's column gonna be about?
Nathan: Your mom.
Have you ever been walking down a street in say, Las Vegas, and been propositioned by an incredibly attractive professional lady of the night? Ever been propositioned anywhere? Have you ever wondered what a woman goes through before becoming a professional prostitute? Do you know how to read? If the answer to any of the previous four questions is yes, then this incredibly scientific article is right up your alley, down your street, and straight up your nose to your brain. Today, we’re taking off the gloves and brushing aside the childish writing of previous months. Today, we’re putting on the Freudian Penis Envy Wool Suit, Beard and Glasses and gearing up to get technical about what turns perfectly decent women into whores. This is a serious study. Serious.
There are many different steps in life that lead up to a career in professional prostitution. Unlike many of society’s other jobs, this is not one that people simply transfer into. One does not leave a job as say, a patent clerk, only to end up walking a street corner in stiletto heels the next day. It takes time to become a total whore. Now, the steps we will be talking about today are steps taken by decent women who (for lack of a better term) evolve into whores. Please understand that, depending on the background of the woman in question, many of these steps could be skipped. For example, if you are a female who was sexually abused by your father, developed a cocaine addiction when you were fifteen and lived in Las Vegas, well, you probably didn’t evolve into a prostitute. You were more than likely bred for it. But, for semi-educated women raised by non-abusive, non-drug addicted parents, the following outlines the evolution of whoredom.
“There is a machine in the back of Hooters that dispenses that shiny leg hosiery. The sizes come in small, medium and ‘you’re fired.'”
Step 1: The Waitress It all starts innocently enough. The number one occupation for female, non-college graduates attracts another pretty college girl. It happens approximately seventeen thousand times a day in the Southwest Region of the United States (source: my friend Ben’s random guess and love of the number seventeen). Many waitresses end up graduating college and moving on to other careers. Many do not. The waitresses that drop out of college and become professional waitresses, in the interest of self preservation and disposable income, keep finding better paying (read: better tipping) restaurants until they have worked themselves up the waitress-ladder to Step 2. Step 2: Hooters Girl
Okay, I love Hooters Girls so I’m gonna use this opportunity to let you in on a few Hooters Girl secrets. First, there is a machine in the back that dispenses that shiny leg hosiery. The sizes come in small, medium and “you’re fired.” Second, Hooters requires many of their girls to hostess first, so they can learn the art of schlepping for tips while dipping to display cleavage by watching the experienced professionals bring the wings. Third, that Hooters girl, she doesn’t really like you, and even if she gave you a real phone number, she probably won’t return your calls. But nice tip.
Step 3: Go-Go Dancer
At some point in her career, the Hooters Girl realizes that Go-Go Dancers wear only slightly less clothes, are only slightly more degraded, and make three times as much money. It’s not a big jump for the Hooters girl to find a career in the Go-Go club (which is really just a strip club with no nudity). From there it’s not much of a jump to full on nude stripper, which is why that’s step 4.
Step 4: Nude Stripper
By this point, our innocent college drop out girl has seen quite a lot. She’s delivered private dances (i.e. dry humps) in the Go-Go clubs, and she’s been accosted by men both as a waitress and a dancer. All the late nights and interesting characters she has encountered have helped her develop a cocaine habit and a penchant for supporting an unemployed boyfriend who favors wearing wife-beaters and dispensing beatings based on either how insanely jealous he is or his current level of self-esteem. She needs money to support both her habit and her man, so our Go-Go girl figures, “You know, the only thing that strippers do differently is take off their outfits and make three times as much money.”
After six or seven months of coming home with six or seven hundred dollars a night, the purchase of a plasma television, an expensive laptop, an island vacation and two Jaguars, our stripper gets propositioned by one of her regulars at the club. It turns out, that for a half hour of sex, this guy will pay nine hundred dollars. “Well,” thinks our stripper, “I trust this guy, he’ll wear a condom and I can make two car payments off one half hour of work.” After a few months as a VIP room favorite, our stripper is now a club-hooker.
Step 5: Club Hooker
She’s making thousands of dollars a week on her back and with her mouth and she didn’t even have to go to college! She’s proud, well-dressed, constantly under the influence of expensive drugs and alcohol, and well-known in the strip club. After a few more months in the club, she decides she doesn’t even need the damn place and gives out her phone number to all of her club regulars, who now can be called Johns.
So there you have it. In less than two years, daddy’s little college drop out has gone from local pub waitress to full-on professional whore. In a few years time, she’ll lose her looks and either end up killing herself, walking the streets as a desperate crack whore or working as a bartender in a crappy pub where she dispenses fifty dollar blow jobs in the back room to lonely truckers who found her name on truck stop bathroom walls. And you thought that was just silly graffiti.
This study has been brought to you by two drunk young men in a bar. All research was complete and total fiction as we don’t understand such concepts. All writing was brought to you by me because I won the coin toss with my friend Ben. If this study offends you in any way, please understand that you have no sense of humor and should not reproduce. For a detailed account of this analysis, please send a check or money order for $900 to “Nathan DeGraaf.” Please understand that the detailed account of this analysis will consist of nothing more than a used handkerchief. This study was endorsed by the International Academy of Design because their president thought he was signing a petition to save the whales.