By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
September 5, 2007
Nathan: I’m not gonna lie to you.
Liz: Every time you say that, you lie to me.
Nathan: Really? Every time?
Liz: Really.
Nathan: Oh. I have to work on that.
Liz: Asshole.
Lying to women is a tradition that goes back more than a million years. Maybe even longer. Now, I always knew this, but I never really thought about it before this weekend. You see, this weekend I met a man from my father’s generation who told me that to get girls in bed in the early 60’s, he would tell them that he was shipping off for Vietnam the next day. He said he used that line about 50 times in 9 years and that it consistently worked.
“Didn’t you feel bad for impersonating a soldier?” I asked him.
“No,” he laughed. “It’s not like I wore a uniform. And I only lied to get laid. I don’t think they’d have even sent a black man up for that one back then.”
I nodded, not 100% sure in agreement to what.
But I did realize that all men lie to women. And I had one of those moments of realization immediately followed by a moment of realization that I should have already experienced this moment of realization. It’s kind of like realization with a side of idiocy. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I ain’t too bright.
“You may think that lies and secrets are a bad thing in a relationship, but you are wrong.”
Anyway, men and women and lying to each other: It’s not supposed to happen, but it does. I have lied to women about my occupation, income, intelligence, education, daytime whereabouts, nighttime whereabouts, pretty much general whereabouts, likes, dislikes and name. It happens. I’m not proud of it, but it does.
And we lie for one of two reasons: to get in a woman’s pants or to stay there. That’s it.
Girls, when a guy starts telling you the truth, believe me, he is either no longer into you or totally whipped.
Because you see sugars, we lie for you.
To a certain degree, the lies we tell are the basic foundations for our male/female relationships because they are, well, much better than the real thing. That’s why the lies usually exist. So in a way, by not telling you the truth, you are not exposed to a lot of the strippers that you wouldn’t want to hear about, to quote Miss Teen South Carolina, “as such.”
Now many of you may think that lies and secrets are a bad thing to have in a relationship, but you see, you are wrong. You may think that by holding back and not telling the truth, relationship potential is damaged long term, you may even think that you should tell the truth at all time to your girlfriend, but as I have typed before, you are wrong.
I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is.
So remember fellas, every time you fail to tell a girl anything that you did that would definitely really upset her, you actually increased her overall health and well-being by protecting her from the horrible, horrible truth.
So you don’t even really have to think about it like lying. You can think about it as protecting.
In a way, you’re the real hero. Like a strip club vigilante or something.