Many scholars have never said that part of what makes this world such a cool and awesome and downright groovy place is the sheer number of meaningless and over-hyped post-season college matchups that clog the afternoon television schedules and provide us men folk with a legitimate reason why we cannot help with the cooking or cleaning because, for chrissakes, the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl is on, lady!
And no doubt having college bowl games helps me live and enjoy life to its fullest, but well, there are so dang many of them that it's kind of tough to keep them all straight. I'm here to help fix that (I'm also here for the spinach dip and the apple crisp but mainly for the helping). And so, the following is a breakdown of every bowl game in America this year, and answers to the frequently asked questions that accompany them. I think I speak for all of America and perhaps even the world when I tell you that no finer piece of literature has ever been executed by anyone anywhere ever.
For all of this, you are welcome.
EagleBank Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Navy
Washington, D.C.; RFK Stadium Dec. 20, 11 a.m. ESPN
What is EagleBank?
According to their website, "EagleBank is a local community business bank with fifteen offices in Montgomery County, MD, Northern Virginia and Washington, DC. The bank focuses on providing superior customer service and custom financial solutions for the local business community. EagleBank also offers a complete line of competitive personal banking products and services." EagleBank, then, is a bank… occupying two states and a Columbian District (note: cocaine not any cheaper in this Columbian District than anywhere else on the American East Coast).
Can you tell me the History of the EagleBank Bowl?
Of course I can. I am a research freakazoid.
Will you tell me the history of the EagleBank Bowl?
Sure as shooting.
I mean, like now?
Oh yeah, of course you did.
From the EagleBank website again, "The EagleBank Bowl, with Bethesda, Maryland-based EagleBank serving as title sponsor, is the first NCAA-sanctioned bowl game ever to take place in Washington, D.C., and also kicks off the college football post-season lineup. A focus of this historic event is to honor the sacrifices made by all those who serve our country."
Wow. This is the first year ever of the EagleBank Bowl. I cannot believe that a bank I never heard of is hosting a bowl game in our nation's capital. I think I speak for everyone who ever lived anywhere ever when I ask, what does it take to start your own bowl game? Can anyone do this? And if anyone can, why can't I?
The Nate DeGraaf is Freaking Awesome Bowl: Nate and his Buddy Mike vs. Nate's Buddy Nick and his Daughter Peyton
USF Intramural Fields, December 9, 2008
Man, that would be so cool.
Where was I again?
Oh yeah. Questions.
Has Navy won a meaningful bowl game in your lifetime?
Nope. But other people have longer lifetimes than me. Keep that in mind.
The New Mexico Bowl: Colorado State vs. Fresno State
Albuquerque; University Stadium Dec. 20, 2:30 p.m. ESPN
Wait, there's a new Mexico?
Come on. That joke is so old it remembers dial phones.
How long has the New Mexico Bowl been around?
Though it seems like the New Mexico Bowl has been around longer than the Aztecs and Mayans combined, the New Mexico Bowl is actually only in its third year.
Who typically plays in the New Mexico Bowl?
Teams from the Mountain West and Western Athletic Conferences.
How are these teams chosen?
They don't get invited to any better bowls.
Did you know New Mexico calls itself the Land of Enchantment?
Of course I did. I'm the guy writing this.
MagicJack St. Petersburg Bowl: Memphis vs. South Florida
St. Petersburg. FL; Tropicana Field Dec. 20, 4:30 p.m. ESPN2
What is a MagicJack?
MagicJack is a device that allows people with land line phones to get better reception via a portable jack that plugs into USB ports.
What is a St. Petersburg?
A city in Florida that prides itself on its ridiculous amount of diners, old people and different colored birds. I believe there's one in Russia also but I've heard it's a lot colder and, you know, more Russian.
What is the history of the MagicJack St. Petersburg Bowl?
There isn't one. Like the EagleBank Bowl, this one is also in its first year. Apparently, if you want to create your own bowl game, all you need is a sponsor, a stadium and two college football teams.
Who plays in the MagicJack St. Petersburg Bowl?
A lousy Big East team and a mediocre Conference USA team.
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Arizona
Las Vegas; Sam Boyd Stadium Dec. 20, 8 p.m. ESPN
What is the Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl?
It is the premiere bowl game of December 20th, 2008, the culmination of an afternoon of pointless and young bowl games. The Las Vegas Bowl has actually been around for sixteen whole years, which makes it three times older than the previous three bowls combined.
Who plays in the Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl?
Over the years, the Las Vegas Bowl has changed from an exclusive matchup of Big West and MAC schools to an exclusive matchup of PAC 10 and Mountain West teams to a not so exclusive matchup of WAC teams and any other team that felt like playing (true story). Anyway, it now features a decent Mountain West team and a lousy PAC 10 team.
How long is your list of stuff you would rather do than go to this bowl game while you're in Vegas?
You know, I think a football game would be a nice diversion in Vegas. If I had four days, I'd definitely hit up this game while out there. If I had less than four days, I would have no idea this game was going on.
So, to answer your question, surprisingly not that long.
Is it a smart idea to send college kids to Vegas?
Actually, this could be an interesting subplot. I mean, we just know that the kids from Arizona are gonna party it up out there but what about the Mormons from BYU? These kids are supposed to be devout health freaks. How awesome would it be to see a BYU cheerleader and/or player arrested for soliciting prostitution or driving under the influence? How weird would it be to run into a Mormon football player in a brothel? And just to take a blatant and cheap shot at a stupid cult, I would like to add that I'm pretty sure Mormons go to bed every night thanking God for Scientology and the fact that there is at least one organized religion out there weirder than theirs.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Troy
New Orleans; Superdome Dec. 21, 8:15 p.m. ESPN
Why do all these bowl games have sponsor names?
Because money makes the world go ‘round.
But the sponsors make the names sound stupid.
That's not a question.
Fuck you, jerk!
No, fuck you! You suck!
Anyway, where were you?
Stuck in a bad joke, I think.
What is R + L Carriers?
I am not researching that on the grounds that I do not care and neither should you.
Your heart really isn't in this game, is it?
Don't get snippy with me.
Who plays in this game?
The conference champion from a conference called Sun Belt and a team chosen randomly from Conference USA?
How old is this bowl?
Six whole years.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Boise State vs. TCU
San Diego; Qualcomm Stadium Dec. 23, 8 p.m. ESPN
What the hell kind of name is San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl?
A totally awesome one. The San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl has the longest name in the history of bowl games. That's why I love watching it. It literally is freaking history year in and year out?
What kind of credit union is the San Diego County Credit Union?
Well, as everyone in San Diego county knows, it is the best damn credit union in San Diego. And has been noted as such for nine years straight (as determined by The San Diego Union-Tribune Readers Poll).
Is this bowl at least older than a kindergartner?
Nope. This is year four of the Holy Crap is that a Long Name Bowl. Starting tradition takes a long time and a quality credit union, but that goes without saying.
How did Boise State and TCU luck out on the free trip to America‘s best climate?
TCU finished second in the no-one-cares-about-it Mountain West Conference and Boise State literally did not lose a fucking game (they come out of the WAC) but no one cares about them because they are fat and ugly and once raped an innocent girl on the day of her father's funeral. Callous and evil, that Boise State. Callous and evil…
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii vs. Notre Dame
Honolulu; Aloha Stadium Dec. 24, 8 p.m. ESPN
What is the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl?
Essentially, the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl is a chance to a) include Hawaii in the bowl picture and b) get some pale people to Hawaii so they can tan and wear flowered shirts.
Notre Dame went a crappy 6 – 6 and lost to Syracuse… How come they get to go to a bowl game?
Because life is not fair, tradition counts for something and… okay, I got nothing.
Surely, this bowl is old and has a long and storied tradition?
Seven years ago, it did not exist.
Does Hawaii play in the Hawaii Bowl every year?
Of course not. They missed '05 and '07 because they "had better shit to do."
Do the players who play in the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl stay at a Hawaii Sheraton?
Who gives a shit? Really? These are the kind of questions you come up with. You're such a smartass, you know that?
The Motor City Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan
Detroit; Ford Field Dec. 26, 8 p.m. ESPN
Seriously, they play a bowl game in Detroit?
They play one. But not seriously.
How long has this one been around?
Twelve years. Making it the second oldest bowl game on the schedule thus far and reminding all of us that there was a time when these things mattered. And they mattered because there weren't four hundred of them and none of them were named after for profit organizations.
How do they decide who plays in this one?
Rumor has it that the teams who play in this one are forced to do so by the NCAA. It turns out, if you violate recruiting rules and your team still sucks, instead of suspension or loss of bowl eligibility, they make you play in this game. Seems fair.
The Meineke Car Care Bowl: West Virginia vs. North Carolina
Charlotte, N.C.; Bank of America Stadium Dec. 27, 1 p.m. ESPN
Is this the worst name in college bowl history?
Sadly, no. The title of worst named college bowl game actually (as decided by an AP poll) went to the Hornymilfs.com Bowl, which ran for only two years and featured the Oregon Beavers and Florida Gamecocks.
Where is this game played?
In a football stadium. Duh.
How old is this one?
The Meineke Car Care Bowl is celebrating its seventh birthday this year, which is weird when you consider how difficult it is for inanimate objects and unnecessary football games to go out on the town and party without being mobbed by paparazzi.
Didn't your Alma Mater lose this game in 2005?
Go to hell.
How do they decide who plays in this bowl?
The ACC and Big East each donate a crappy team to this car accident of a bowl game.
Champs Sports Bowl: Wisconsin vs. Florida State
Orlando, FL; Florida Citrus Bowl Dec. 27, 4:30 p.m. ESPN
Does this bowl game have any history of any kind?
Actually, it does. Unfortunately, this is not the happy "Oh I remember when" history but rather that sad "They killed all the aborigines and salted the farmland" kind of history. You see, The Champs Sports Bowl was played at Pro Player Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida from 1990 to 2000 and is now played at the Citrus Bowl in Orlando because tradition sucks balls.
Who plays in the Champs Sports Bowl?
Some lousy Big Ten team and another lousy ACC team. This year, Wisconsin takes on the artist formerly known as the Florida State Seminoles.
A Prince joke? Seriously?
Go to hell. Fallen legacy jokes aren't easy to come by.
You live near Orlando. Are you going to this game?
No.
How old is the Champs Sports Bowl?
It started in 2001.
The Emerald Bowl: Miami (Fla.) vs. California
San Francisco AT&T Park Dec. 27, 8 p.m. ESPN
Wait, it appears that no one sponsors this?
The Emerald Bowl is actually sponsored by Diamond Foods which owns Emerald Nuts and I must say that this is one time I think I would prefer the sponsor name. I mean, "The Emerald Nuts Bowl: It's effing crazy!" would be a cool tag line. Not to mention all the great scrotum related humor we could jizz out of that if we put our stone to the grind hose and you know, mixed it up like it ain't corrupt.
Yeah, let's just move on.
Who plays in this bowl?
A bad Pac 10 team and a lousy ACC team get together, literally do not "team up," and then proceed to make this thing the bag of suck we've come to expect from an (about to turn) seven year old bowl game.
Is it true that Navy has won this thing?
Indeed it is.
Where was the joke in our last exchange?
It was the word, "Navy."
Do you have a cute story about this bowl game?
Aww, how did you know? Yes, I actually watched the first Emerald Bowl ever with my brother Tom. During that game, a kid named Vegas Robinson caught an interception and one of the game's announcers said, "And the first ever Emerald Bowl interception goes to Vegas Robinson."
To which Brother Tom responded, "Vegas, huh? What are the odds?"
Anyway, I just always thought that was funny.
The Independence Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech
Shreveport, LA; Independence Stadium Dec. 28, 8:15 p.m. ESPN
Why does the name of this bowl sound familiar?
Because it has been around since 1976. It is older than the cellular phone, older than the personal computer, older than crisp microwave pizza. This game, I am telling you, is seething with almost thirty-two years of unbridled and raw tradition. I am stoked that it exists.
What could you tell me about the history of this bowl?
The Independence Bowl was named for its inauguration year, which was the bicentennial anniversary of some colonists kicking some hired soldiers butts all up and down what would soon become the coast of the United States of the Americas which was first mapped by Amerigo Vespucci who, despite having none of the technologies we have today, still managed to be the answer to a question on a test I took back in high school. True story.
Does this bowl have a sponsor?
Not this year. The deal basically fell through. The Independence Bowl has had several sponsors and all of them, much like the teams that have played in and the games that have been played in the Independence Bowl, sucked.
Who typically plays in the Independence Bowl?
A team from the WAC and a team from the MAC, which is to say, no one you've heard of.
The PapaJohns.com Bowl: NC State vs. Rutgers
Birmingham, AL; Legion Field Dec. 29, 3 p.m. ESPN
Okay that's not really a bowl name is it?
Sadly, yes.
But why the dot com? Is there already a Papa John's Bowl?
I don't know. And no.
This bowl can't have any real history, can it?
This is its third year.
How come you're not mocking this game?
The PapaJohns.com bowl is the only bowl game my alma mater has won in its eleven year history.
That is so sad.
That is not a question.
I know. I just felt bad for you. Is that so wrong?
Yes.
Anyway, who typically plays in this game?
A bad Big East team and a lousy ACC team.
Valero Alamo Bowl; Missouri vs. Northwestern
San Antonio, TX Alamodome Dec. 29, 8 p.m. ESPN
Hey wait, wasn't this sponsored by someone else last year?
No. Last year it was sponsored by Valero. In 2006, it had no sponsor. It has also been sponsored by Builder's Square (now out of business—remember Builder's Square?), Sylvania and MasterCard.
This seems like a decent game? Why is that?
Both teams are ranked in the top 25 and you've heard of the bowl.
How old is the Alamo Bowl?
It turns fifteen this year.
Who typically plays in the Alamo Bowl?
Some relatively decent teams from the Big Ten and the Big Twelve. Usually the third highest ranked teams in their respective conferences, depending on other bowl selections and (I believe) the proposed shoe size of Jesus Christ on any given Sunday morning.
What is a Valero?
According to their website, "Valero Energy Corporation is a Fortune 500 company based in San Antonio, Texas, and incorporated in Delaware. Valero's common stock is listed for trading on the New York Stock Exchange under the symbol "VLO." The company has approximately 22,000 employees and assets valued at $38 billion."
It probably won't hurt to let y'all know (again) that this game is being played in, what a Jewish former coworker of mine from Chicago once referred to as "The Country of Texas." Just saying.
Roady's Bowl; Maryland vs. Nevada
Boise, ID; Bronco Stadium Dec. 30, 4:30 p.m. ESPN
What is Roady's?
Umm… it's a company that owns and operates truck stops.
What is a humanitarian?
A person promoting human welfare and social reform. These people typically meet at truck stops because Martin Luther King first started speaking at truck stops so the truckers would travel and spread word of his ingenious ideas for social reform. Like so much of college football, it's a tradition thing.
And just how long has this one been around?
You're starting to sound a little too cynical here, man. These are football games, after all, and football games are better than like ninety percent of what is on television. Keep that in mind while you're frequently asking questions please. Thanks.
Anyway, The Humanitarian Bowl started in 1997, which doesn't seem like that long ago to you, but to my three year old nephew, that shit is ancient. See, it's all perspective.
Who plays in this one?
A team from the WAC and a team from the ACC that have records better than .500 but less than good.
Have you ever been to Boise?
Not once in my life.
The Texas Bowl: Rice vs. Western Michigan
Houston; Reliant Stadium Dec. 30, 8 p.m. NFL Network
Wait, Rice made a bowl game?
Yup.
Just how good do you have to be to make a bowl game?
You have to be great at having a school that has a football team. The football team itself, obviously, does not have to be very good.
How long has the Texas Bowl been around?
This will be its third year.
How come it doesn't have a sponsor?
Actually, Enterprise Rental sponsors this game. They just don't put their title in the name of the bowl game, which is one of five major reasons why I exclusively rent from Enterprise.
Who plays in this one?
A Conference USA Team and an At Large Bid, typically.
What is an at large bid?
At Large Bid is a way of saying, "I hope someone will play in our bowl game this year. Would you like to? Please."
Will you be watching this game?
Quit worrying about what I'm doing. Sheesh. Get a life.
The Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Oregon
San Diego; Qualcomm Stadium Dec. 30, 8 p.m. ESPN
How old is the Holiday Bowl?
The Holiday Bowl turns thirty this year.
Wow, is it steeped in tradition?
I wouldn't say it's steeped in anything, but I will point out that Barry Sanders owns the records for touchdowns in this bowl game. And Barry Sanders was nails.
Who typically plays in the Holiday Bowl?
Quality teams from the PAC 10 and Big 12.
So, you'll be watching this one?
Most definitely.
Will you be somewhere that has drink specials that night?
You're a cheap bastard, FAQ guy. Cheap as Boone's wine.
Why do some bowl games have grand marshals?
Marketing.
What is a grand marshal?
The symbolic king of a pointless event.
Who is the grand marshal of the Holiday Bowl?
Kermit the Frog.
Wait, didn't Kermit die?
No, that was Jim Henson, Muppets creator.
Wasn't Henson the voice of Kermit?
Yeah, but they've got enough of Henson's Kermit voice on tape to keep Kermit alive and well.
That is awesome.
Yeah, it kind of is.
The Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force
Fort Worth, Texas; Amon G. Carter Stadium Dec. 31, Noon ESPN
Do representative teams from the US Military play in the Armed forces Bowl every year?
No.
But it's called the Armed Forces Bowl?
I am aware of that.
How long has this bowl been around?
This is its sixth year.
Why are there so many of these bowls for such lousy teams?
Dude, do I have to remind you again that football games are fun and enjoyable and everything good about the winter months? You're getting spoiled, FAQ guy, and quite frankly, it's pissing me off.
Should I be sorry?
No, just be cool, man. Be cool.
The Brut Sun Bowl: Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh
El Paso, Texas: Sun Bowl Dec. 31, 2 p.m. CBS
Hey, didn't your alma mater lose this one, too?
Dammit, FAQ guy. I told you to be cool. Why you gotta bring up old stuff?
Speaking of old stuff, how old is this bowl?
75 years. This bowl is so old, it predates the shotgun formation. Now that is tradition, FAQ guy. TRA. DI. TION.
Is the history of the Sun Bowl so old that you feel the need to cut and past pertinent information from the Sun Bowl website?
Indeed. "The Sun Bowl was first played on January 1, 1935, as a fund-raising event for a local service club, to benefit underprivileged children and to finance improvements to the El Paso High School Stadium. It has grown into El Paso's number one national attraction and is second only to the Rose Bowl in longevity.
"On October 18, 1934, at a meeting of the El Paso Kiwanis Club, Dr. Brice Schuller suggested that the club sponsor a football game on New Year's Day, matching an El Paso High School All-Star Team against a worthy opponent. The motion was passed unanimously. It was decided to ask for public suggestions as to the name of this annual game, and the name "Sun Bowl" was submitted by Dr. C. M. Hendricks, who became the first Sun Bowl Association president. The following year, a week-long schedule of events was added to the Sun Bowl festivities, and four other local service clubs (Rotary, Lions, Optimist and Active 20-30) joined the Kiwanis in coordinating the entire "Sun Carnival" calendar. In 1936, New Mexico State and Hardin-Simmons were invited to play, and the Sun Bowl has been a college game ever since.
"Over the years, many great collegiate stars who went on to illustrious football careers in both the college and professional ranks have participated in the Sun Bowl. Some of these athletes include Ara Parseghian, Merlin Olsen, Tony Dorsett, Barry Sanders, Billy Stevens, Charlie Johnson and Jesse Whittenton. Another famous Sun Bowl participant was Burt Reynolds, who was a member of the 1955 Florida State team."
I like how the dude who became the first president of this thing also named it. C. M. Hendricks was no doubt a big man in El Paso during the great depression. No doubt.
Who plays in this one?
A decent Big East team and a pretty good PAC 10 team.
Who is the grand marshal of this one?
Some old football player from El Paso. No one near as cool as Kermit.
Shouldn't a Muppet be grand marshal of every bowl game?
Only in a perfect world.
The Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Boston College vs. Vanderbilt
Nashville, TN; LP Field Dec. 31, 3:30 p.m. ESPN
Heh heh heh. Gaylord?
Grow up. It's a hotel chain.
How old is this bowl?
It turns eleven this year.
Who plays in it?
Lousy representatives of the ACC and SEC.
Will you be watching this game?
This game traditionally comes on while I am at work. So… no.
What if you weren't at work?
Uhh… leave me alone. Seriously, man. This has been like a lot of writing and I'm getting a little sick of you frequently asking questions, Frequent Questioner Guy.
How do you know I'm a guy, you sexists pig?
The Gaylord joke was a dead giveaway.
Shit.
The Insight Bowl: Kansas vs. Minnesota
Tempe, AZ; Sun Devil Stadium Dec. 31, 5:30 p.m. NFL Network
Wait, this game is being shown on the NFL network?
Yup.
Why?
Apparently, so no one will watch it.
Has this bowl been around a long time?
This is its twentieth year.
Who plays in it?
Typically a Big 12 team and a Big 10 team, usually not the better ones.
Will you be watching this?
Absolutely. I watch anything that involves Kansas and its hugely chub coach. That dude is a testament to grease and sugar. He's like the personification of a car wreck. I can't not look away.
The Chick-fil-A Bowl: LSU vs. Georgia Tech
Atlanta, GA; Georgia Dome Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m. ESPN
How old is the Chick-fil-A Bowl?
Call it the Peach Bowl.
Why?
Because its been the Peach Bowl since nineteen fucking sixty-eight and I'm tired of Chic-fil-A (though they are purveyors of fast food fried deliciousness and I do enjoy eating their grub) putting their greasy, Mormon paws all over bowl game traditions. I mean, frst it was the Peach bowl sponsored by Chick-fil-A, then it was the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl and now it's the freaking straight up Chick-fil-A bowl? What bullshit! They phased out the peach.
Are you gonna be okay?
In time, FAQ guy. In time.
Who plays in this one?
Real good teams from the SEC and ACC. This is actually, usually a really good game.
Since he lives in Atlanta, will Pointsincase.com owner Court Sullivan be attending this game?
No. Court hates all sports unless they are played by Europeans who fake injuries.
Because this one is so old, will you be telling us anything about its history?
Absolutely. "Chick-fil-A is a restaurant chain headquartered in Atlanta, Georgia, that specializes in chicken entrees. It is the second-biggest chicken-based fast-food chain in the United States. The chain is associated with the southern United States, but it has in recent years been expanding into the Rocky Mountains, the southwest and the midwest. As of July 2006, the chain has over 1,300 locations in 37 U.S. states and the District of Columbia. It is distinct among fast-food chains in that its stores are closed on Sundays."
What about the bowl game?
Oh that. Something to do with peaches. I don't really know. I'm all about sponsorships. I mean, peaches are delicious but I could do without them. But without Chick-fil-A, I am sure I would die a slow and painful and anonymous death.
The Outback Bowl: South Carolina vs. Iowa
Tampa, FL; Raymond James Stadium Jan. 1, 2009, 11 a.m. ESPN
Hey, this is in Tampa? Are you going?
Probably not to the game, but I always hang out at Clearwater Beach and hit on the Midwestern chicks the day before this game. It makes for fun times.
Who plays in this one?
A decent team from the Big Ten and a decent team from the SEC.
How old is this bowl?
Believe it or not, but the Outback Bowl was born in 1986, which means that it's more than twenty years old.
Was this always called the Outback Bowl?
Nope, it used to be called The Hall of Fame Bowl.
Why did they change the name?
Money.
Why does Outback Steakhouse sponsor this bowl?
Money.
Is anything sacred anymore?
Yes: money.
The Capital One Bowl: Georgia vs. Michigan State
Orlando, FL; Florida Citrus Bowl Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. ABC
How old is The Capital One Bowl?
Call it the Tangerine Bowl.
Why?
Because it makes me feel better, jerk.
And it's all about how you feel?
Yes. That and money are apparently what it's all about.
Okay, how old is the Tangerine Bowl?
Old enough to have had like a million sponsors. It's been played sine 1947 and was also called the Citrus Bowl for a brief spell.
Who plays in this one?
Relatively decent teams from the SEC and Big Ten.
Do you think this will be a good game?
Sure, why not?
Has Capital One done anything good for the sport since taking over this bowl?
Yes. They sponsor the mascot challenge, in which twelve mascots enter a ring but only one may leave alive. The winner gets a collection of DVDs and a $5,000 CD. True story.
The Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: Clemson vs. Nebraska
Jacksonville, FL; Jacksonville Municipal Stadium Jan. 1, 2009, 1 p.m. CBS
How old is the Gator Bowl?
It is one of the oldest bowl games on this planet, having been kicked off (god I'm punny) in 1946.
Who plays in the Gator Bowl?
That has varied over the years, but this year it features two pretty mediocre teams from the SEC and Big 12 respectively but not respectfully (honestly, I'm pretty sure I'm punch drunk at this point—I had no idea how big a project this was gonna be).
Since this bowl is so old, can you give us a cool piece of history regarding it?
Sure as shooting:
"In 1978, in a game between Ohio State and Clemson, Buckeyes coach Woody Hayes lost his temper after a late game interception by Charlie Bauman. The play would seal the Tigers' 17-15 win over the Buckeyes. Hayes punched Bauman on the sideline in front of a national television audience shortly thereafter. Hayes was fired the next day by Ohio State's Board of Trustees."
Now that is a pretty badass bowl game story, eh?
Will you be watching this one?
New Years Day? 1 PM? I shall have Bloody Mary in hand, hope in my heart and this game blasting on my TV. It's an annual tradition: sponsored by Mr. T's Bloody Mary Mix. True story.
Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi; Penn State vs. USC
Pasadena, CA; Rose Bowl Jan. 1, 2009, 4:30 p.m. ABC
How old is this one?
This is the oldest bowl game known to man. It started in 1902, six years before the Cubs would win their latest World Series. I mean, this sucker is old.
How come the sponsor name comes after the name of the bowl?
Got me.
I thought you were supposed to know this stuff?
Dude, I can't know every stupid little thing you ask frequently. Jeez.
Can you tell me any cool stories from this bowl?
The first one ever was forfeited in the third quarter by Stanford, which I could kind of see as an omen for the long time future of their football program. You know, in hindsight and all that.
Who plays in this?
Typically the conference champions of the PAC 10 and Big Ten, unless either of them are invited to the national championship, in which case this gets handed to the next best teams from the same conferences. Oh, and Michigan loves sneaking into this one if at all possible.
Will you be watching this one?
Yes I will, drunk and in my underwear like God intended.
Will this be a good game?
USC will probably kill them. So… no.
The FedEx Orange Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech
Miami, FL: Dolphin Stadium Jan. 1, 2009, 8:30 p.m. FOX
Hey, this is the Orange Bowl! It's got like, tons of tradition right?
Right you are. It is the second oldest bowl game in the United States. Much like the Rose Bowl, it started in 1902 but the Orange Bowl didn't become an annual tradition until 1916.
Who plays in this?
Conference champions from the ACC and Big East, unless either were to get into the national championship game, in which case the next best teams get scrounged up to get this party started. Right.
Do you have a favorite Orange Bowl moment?
Every year it seems that I fall asleep during this game and wake up on the couch. So… no.
But there have been some amazing Orange Bowls?
There have.
And you slept though most of them?
Yup.
Do you think you drink too much?
One more smartass word out of you and I'm ditching the Q and A format for this one and you can go back to frequently asking questions of fat and ugly strippers. How's that for an answer, bitch?
Isn't that kind of irritability an alcoholism warning sign?
Fuck you.
The AT&T Cotton Bowl: Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech
Dallas, TX: Cotton Bowl Jan. 2, 2009, 2 p.m. FOX
Will this be a good game?
Absolutely, this game features two very underrated teams, one of whom will try their best to keep Texas Tech under sixty points.
Are you being sarcastic?
Of course. And I'm a little sick of your tone.
Look, it's been a long piece—going on twenty pages—why don't we just relax and have a drink together?
I don't know.
Come on, man. Have a glass of Scotch with me. It's soon to be a new year, my friend.
Okay, but just one.
You fucking alcoholic.
Screw you, FAQ guy. Screw you with gay cowboy spurs.
How old is this one?
No. Fuck it. I'm done with this game. Go ask Wikipedia, FAQ guy, you stubborn punk bitch. God I hate you.
The AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Kentucky vs. East Carolina
Memphis, TN; Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium Jan. 2, 2009, 5 p.m. ESPN
Isn't it weird how old the computers are in AutoZones across this country?
Come on Nate, don't be like that. How old is this bowl?
Dude, how did it get its name? Come on man, throw me a bone.
All right, Nate. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you like that. Clearly, your consumption of alcohol is your own problem. Show up at the next bowl game and I promise I'll ask nicer questions.
Please…
Allstate Sugar: Utah vs. Alabama
New Orleans, LA; Superdome Jan. 2, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX
How old is the Sugar Bowl?
It's been around since '35.
Who plays in it?
The best non-championship team available from the SEC and some team they can whoop up on (Hawaii last year, Utah this year).
Has the popularity of high fructose corn syrup negatively affected the sugar industry?
Seriously?
All right, how about, will you be watching this game?
Most definitely, FAQ guy. Most definitely.
The International Bowl: Buffalo vs. Connecticut
Toronto; Rogers Centre Jan. 3, 2009, Noon ESPN2
How come I've never heard of the International Bowl?
It's in its second year, it's played in Canada, and the teams that play in it always suck.
Then how come it gets to be so late in the bowl schedule?
There's a national minimum on crappy bowl games per week. True story.
Who plays in this game?
No one cares. By this point in the college football schedule, the only people watching this game are related to the players. Let's just move on.
The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Ohio State vs. Texas
Glendale, AZ: University of Phoenix Stadium Jan. 5, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX
Hey, how old is this one?
It was born in 1971.
Wait. Why is it a BCS bowl?
Got me.
But there are so many other older bowls that could be BCS bowl games, like the Sun Bowl. That thing's older than Moses.
No argument here.
So who plays in this one?
The Fiesta Bowl features quality teams from the Big 10 and Big 12. This year, finding quality teams in the Big 10 was a little tough, so they had to go with Ohio State.
Will you be watching this one?
I don't like discussing my personal life with you, FAQ guy. It's been a long piece.
That's what she said.
You're not funny.
The GMAC Bowl: Tulsa vs. Ball State
Mobile, AL; Ladd-Peebles Stadium Jan. 6, 2009, 8 p.m. ESPN
Wow, is this bowl part of that shitty bowl quota?
Absolutely.
Who typically plays in it?
A Conference USA team against a team from either the Mid-American Conference or the Western Athletic Conference.
How old is it?
It turns ten this year.
That's not very old.
That's not a question.
Hang on, Nate. Only one more bowl game to go. What say you go get a cup of coffee or something?
Good idea, FAQ guy. Your first one of the day.
The FedEx BCS National Championship Game: Florida vs. Oklahoma
Miami, FL; Dolphin Stadium Jan. 8, 2009, 8 p.m. FOX
Hey, isn't this the championship game?
This is. This is the whole enchilada, the kit and the caboodle. This is why we play the games during the regular season. The winner of this gets the whole world and a blowjob. Awesome hardly begins to describe how cool this game is.
So this'll be a good game?
Florida will kill them.
Are you sure?
I'll bet you straight up, if you want.
Oh, so in addition to alcoholism, you have a gambling problem?
You know what, FAQ guy, we're parting ways. I'd like to say that it was a pleasure working with you but I'd rather tell you to go out into traffic and play hide and go fuck yourself.
Don't you think you use that line too much?
I hate you. I'm moving onto the conclusion.
In conclusion, I think this article has shed some light on some serious issues. First and foremost, fuck frequently asked questions. They are as annoying as the fat asshole asking them (that's right, FAQ guy, I called you fat). Second, we learned that there are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay tooooooooooo many bowl games but that's okay because it's football and football is cool. Third, we learned that my alma mater sucks at football. And fourth and most importantly, we learned that more than sixty percent of all bowl games are less than ten years old. In college football, as with women, you really want to stay away from those which are less than ten years old.
Happy bowl games, everyone. I'm going to the bar.