Disclaimer: This article is intended for men and men only.
Ladies, while I’m terribly sorry, I can’t do much for you. If you crave to be fucked, and have been told by more than three non-family references that you’re a hot piece of ass, take the first flight to Morgantown, West Virginia, and I’ll see what I can do. There’s nothing else I can offer in the realm of advice.
Oh, by the way, I do require phone numbers for those references.
Okay Virgins, if you ever want a chance to use that Lincoln log you call a penis, listen up. The following article is a twenty-four hour guide to getting laid. Meaning that if you have any plans over the next 24 hours, you’re going to cancel them. Yes, because in the name of your masculinity, you’re going call Grandma and cancel brunch. You’ve long shamed our gender with your “We’re waiting to have sex ‘til marriage” and “I respect women for their personalities” bullshit.
This article is meant for men that are not only single, but also not complete pussies, so if you’re in a sexless relationship, get the fuck out. And if you respect women for their “personalities,” smack yourself in the face and repeat after me: All women are the same. All women are the same. All women are the same. Now say it until you believe it.
Done? Good.
Let’s begin things with the number one problem with you and your kind, Virgie:
Step 1: Realize That You’ve Been Played By Women All of Your Life
If you’ve been somehow bamboozled into thinking that nice guys sometimes win or that you’ll eventually find the right girl with your existing personality, you’re an idiot. One, nice guys not only finish last, they sometimes don‘t even get to cum at all. Two, there is no “right girl” for you. The “right girl” is the hottest bitch you can knock up.
There’s no way in hell that you’ll be able to seriously date a hot girl if you’re a virgin and over 18. You see, women won’t and don’t respect virgins. They don’t admit it, but when they hear that a man is sexually active, their evil little flesh-cauldrons start to bubble. Once you’ve had your fair share of women, you’ll be able to give them a little Eye of Newt, if you catch my drift. Until then, you’re going to have to lie.
Women like men that other women like (a fact that leads me to believe that more threesomes exist then women let on). If you’re a virgin, women clearly don’t like you. I mean, they might appreciate your decorating tips or the free English reports you write for them, but they won’t to sit on your cock.
The best thing I can suggest is to grab a Kleenex, have a good cry, punch your mother in the face for lying to you all these years and take some time convincing yourself that, for the next 24 hours, you are Mr. Huge Erection.
Step 2: Take Out a Loan
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: money means pussy. Of course, a lot of other things mean pussy too: poetry, charm, good looks. But let’s face it, you couldn’t possibly have any of those things and still be a virgin. The only thing about you that means “pussy” is your continual failure in the division of two labia. You can't even do sexual math, you stupid pussy bastard.
Also, I should mention that if you’re already wealthy and still a virgin, consider admitting to Daddy that you’re gay.
Step 3: Get the Look
I don’t give a fuck what you wear, really. But you should know by now that the more expensive the shit you’re wearing, the better your chances of getting laid. I ought to mention a few ground rules though.
1) Don’t pop your collar, for Christ sake.
2) Don’t wear sunglasses inside, either.
3) AXE BODY SPRAY IS NOT COLOGNE. They have an awesome marketing strategy aimed at virgins and pedophiles. Stop being a statistic and wear something that smells like money.
An exclusive tip: when you take the tags off, save them and return the shit to the store the next day. Think of your attire as the woman you’re going to fuck tonight: there’s no point in keeping that shit around.
Step 4: Wingmen Round-up
This is possibly the most important step out of this guide. Your wingmen are your livelihood in the Fucking Game. You should really know by now what a wingman is, so as usual, I’m not going to explain it.
Yes, so, when considering which three friends will be your escorts to Laidville, choose guys that are already successful with women. They’ll know if you’ve got enough money on you, if you’re wearing the right shit or, in the best case scenario, how to find Roofies.
If you don’t have friends like that, my going rate is $20/hr and an additional $1/pound for hauling the bitch away.
Step 5: The Right Bar
Any bar with more girls than guys.
Sike! A bar like that doesn’t exist. You’ll basically have to make do with any place that permits you getting drunk enough for the rest of this manual.
Try Applebee’s.
Step 6: The Pick-Up Line of Success!
Doesn’t exist. While some deaf, mentally retarded whores might fall for the “Did it hurt?” routine, most girls that are willing to have sex with a guy like you will blow you off because your delivery will be, almost certainly, pathetic.
You probably won’t look her in the eyes, you probably won’t stand up straight, and you probably won’t have your cock hanging out of your jeans. Thus, when you approach a girl, the first thing you should do is insult her. Not in the genial “You’re a chubby-faced cumguzzler,” or “I bet you’re a huge slut” way. But more in a coy, witty way.
Is she wearing hoop earrings? Well, then you should tell her that her toes would fit perfectly in them while you’re railing her. Is the bitch a blonde? Well, then let her know the difference between a her and a mosquito. That is, a mosquito stops sucking when you slap at it. Those sort of insults are what drives women nuts. Or should I say, TO your nuts.
Though, at this point you’ll have to ask yourself…Is she sort of fat? Because, in that case, it’s time to move on.
You’re not that desperate…are you?
Step 7 : It’s Time for the Fat Chick
Hey, you wanted to get laid. And now that you’ve failed miserably (of your own liability, no less), you’re going to have to scrape the bottom of the barrel. It just so happens that at the bottom of the barrel is a fat ho eating chips.
You should have seen her when you walked in to the bar. She’s in the corner somewhere, on a barstool that’s bending at the stress-bearing areas. She’ll make eye contact with you, probably make and obscene gesture with a corndog. You should know what’s she’s talking about.
Note: Fat chicks are just that desperate, so, if you’re able to hold in the puke, you’re in.
Step 8: Fucking Her
At this point, there are three possible problems in the process of losing your virginity. One, you might be so nervous that you can’t get it up. Or, two, you might be so excited that you explode in two seconds. Three, will your bed be able to hold you both at the same time?
Though the first is more likely with this bitch, all three of these are easily solved with your realization that this may be the last time you’ll ever have sex. I mean, you can get a new bed, if need be. You just need to make it worth your time.
So, instead of indifferently gazing down at your Jones and thinking “GO UP GODDAMNIT!” You should suggest to Bertha that you both watch porn while you fuck. Not only will you seem more like a man who knows the ropes in bed, you’ll be able to forget that you’re basically sticking your dick in a breathing can of Crisco.
Step 9: Proving it to your Friends
When the fat bitch rolls off your bed in the morning (or right after you cum, for the advanced virgins out there), tell her to leave her panties. Of course, they’ll be huge, so wash them in cold water and dry on high heat. They’ll probably come out a little small…
Nevertheless, when your friends come over, you can sit them down, break open a case and instead of telling them your new title, only show them the panties.
They’ll know that you’re no longer a pathetic, little boy anymore: you’re a pathetic, little boy who raped and maimed an 8-year-old girl.
Congrats!