>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
July 2, 2006
CONDOLEEZA RICE:
Hey girl! It's so great to see you! I want to first thank each and every one of you personally for your interest in keeping America terrorist-free! So thanks! And kisses! Though of course, a vague interest just isn’t enough to protect the freedoms of our great, God-fearing nation—freedoms, like day spas, abor-*CENSORED*, and the right to wear lipstick. Like the old saying goes: Payless wasn’t built in a day, so we hope that you’ll decide to stick around for the whole presentation!
I know what you're thinking. You're probably wondering, “Is the New Army right for me?” Well, we’re all women here, I mean it…I have a vagina…I do. I even have a considerable collection of self-servicing devices: my Chocolate Thriller, my Jack Rabbit, my Blue Dolphin, my Nubby G, two King Kongs, and a strand of anal beads.What can I say, I’m like you, I love the dick.
I bet we have lots in common, so let’s be girlfriends, mkay?
“Your main duty as a woman in the New Army will be to just HAVE FUN and do whatever thought passes through that silly little brain of yours.”
For our first time being girlfriends, we should have some fun! After all, that’s what we girls like to do! (Laughs) So for fun, there are complementary Pepperidge Farm cookies and bottles of Pinot Grigio near the door. Your BFF…….SERGEANT RENEE HAWKFIRE…….should have already handed out your free New Army drinking mugs, New Army panties, and shot glasses inscribed with “Drink 'til he's cute.”
Also, upon your arrival, you should have received the New Army Stress Card: a fab device you can use in order to pause this video. All you have to do is press your “I’m soooo stressed!” button and the DVD will be stopped. If you don’t have a Stress Card, they are located on the fireplace mantel, next to the scented candles. Feel free to press your “I’m sooo stressed!” button at anytime; especially if you're feeling confused, vulnerable, or just plain sad.
Your BFF……..SERGEANT RENEE HAWKFIRE……..will now pause the DVD, so you can ask her questions, have a glass of wine, or change your tampon. Because that's what we women do!
<<b>Fade into next scene>
Oh! I'm glad to see you've decided to stay! I hope the wine tastes yummy!
Now let's chat, shall we?
I bet you’ve also always dreamed of a candlelit dinner with Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford or John Wayne! Yeah, I can see those smiles! Well how about you combine all of that charm, manliness, and sex appeal and roll it all into one guy? That’s a New Army Man! And there are at least 200 of them for every one of you, ladies!
Of course, we understand that these relationships are very important to you…that’s why we’ve teamed up with eHarmony.com to match you with the 200 most compatible guys! I've heard nothing but great things about women meetings lots and lots of guys…especially unsupervised…in the latrines. (Condoleezza winks)
Though, you know, I might not be the best to talk about finding a man in the New Army…so let's hear it first-hand from ex-military woman and superdiva, Jessica Lynch!
JESSICA LYNCH:
Hi Condoleezza. Hi ladies.
Despite the fact that I have been walking with a cane for the last three years, have been ravaged by countless foreign men, and have gotten the country-wide nickname “Cameltoe Lynch,” I loved my experiences in the New Army.
See, I’ve got this secret…and I didn’t tell it to Dateline or Larry King, but…I actually have this rape fantasy…and…well, let’s just say I don’t have to worry about that anymore!
Plus, I got this FABULOUS deal from Lifetime for a movie based on my fun adventures. It’s set to air July 4th, 2006 at 10PM.
Thanks, Uncle Sam! (Cameltoe winks)
CONDOLEEZA:
Thanks Jess! I bet that special will be even more exciting than the fireworks!
And speaking of fireworks, let’s have a little celebration of our own, shall we? This DVD will now be paused again, and your BFF……..SERGEANT RENEE HAWKFIRE…….will pour you another glass of wine and reveal our next special treat: a box of Lady Godiva Chocolates and a live performance of The OC by the cast of NBC’s Blossom!
Enjoy!
CONDOLEEZA (at profile, burning the Constitution):
(Looks at the camera) Oh. Hi! I didn’t see you there! You must’ve lost weight! Honestly. You look stunning! I bet you’ve dropped at least two dress sizes just sitting there!
But, now that you’re back, let's talk about something a little more personal…feminine stuff…you know, stuff like The New United States Army.
Most of the girls I talk to have questions like, “Will I have any fun?” or “Will my mascara run during a firefight?” or “How will I stay fresh while shrapnel flies over the carrion around me?” These are all easily answered by the New female-friendly Army!
You’ll not only receive boxes upon boxes of maxis and waterproof mascara when you join the New Army, you’ll be expected to do absolutely nothing! That’s right! The American public says that the battlefield isn’t the place for you, and we’ll be darned if we’re going to let a pretty little hair on your head get a split end! That’s why we have men in the Army, silly! Your main duty as a woman in the New Army will be to just HAVE FUN and do whatever thought passes through that silly little brain of yours.
With the New girl-friendly Army, you’ll be able to enjoy everything about life!
“Like what, Condi?” you say.
First, we don’t pamper you at regular camps anymore. We spoil you at Fort Cabo, Fort Laguna Beach, and Fort Madison Avenue! Plus, we don’t have barracks anymore! No way! We have townhouses!
Each townhouse will come fully-loaded with a 52’’ plasma screen television, every season of Sex and the City and a walk-in closet big enough for 60 outfits and 23 pairs of shoes! Plus (yes, there’s more!), each townhouse will be within walking distance of a Starbucks!
Don’t like roommates? Well, we understand that women living together can be quite strenuous…that’s why we’ve hired Dr. Phil as the official U.S. Army Roomie Relationship Counselor!
Heck, even with all of that, you might still be skeptical. I’ll let you in on a little secret…here at the United States Executive Branch, we’re pretty desperate for new recruits, so we’ve improved every single aspect of the New Army!
Don’t believe me? You say I’m a liar? Well, before you do anything drastic…please allow your BFF to hand out the document you’ll need to sign while we take a look at a regular day in the New Army…don’t forget those “I’m soooo stressed!” buttons!
10:00: Jackson Browne smiling and petting the head of a sleeping blonde baby.
11:00: A cantaloupe with fat-free cottage cheese in the center.
12:00: Gina Davis with green shit and cucumbers on her face.
1:00: A collage of Pretty Woman screenshots.
2:00: Three white kittens playing with a ball of yarn.
3:00: A bagel with a tub of Philadelphia Cream Cheese.
4:00: Oprah giving a hug to Tyra Banks.
5:00: An angled screenshot of a woman receiving a full-body massage.
6:00: A shopping mall.
7:00: A different shopping mall.
8:00: A different shopping mall.
9:00: An outlet mall.
10:00 Four girls huddled on a couch with pillows and tissues, watching Jerry McGuire.
11:00: A Pink Cosmopolitan and a line of cocaine.
12:00: A McDonald’s salad.
CONDOLEEZA:
What else is great about the New Army?
No uniforms!
Yes, we know that camouflage is in style right now, but what happens when fall comes around and you’re stuck wearing something passé? Exactly. So, if you want to wear your red stilettos or K Swiss, we don’t care! The only thing we care about is that you sign one, teensy, little document….
Due to The Military Truth in Information Act of 2005, we are required to inform you that due to recent federal overspending, we can no longer offer financial compensation for college.
But who needs that crap anyways?! If you sign-on within the next thirty minutes, you’ll have your choice of the following items, all of which are way better than stinky, old college!
A 3-pack of Venus Razors!
A signed photo of hunky 90’s baseball star Bo Jackson!
Jewel’s “Hands” concert on DVD!
Two bottles of all-purpose bleach!
A big, black dildo!
That’s….
Well, that’s my time with you, ladies. Remember, the New Army isn’t a place for just lesbians, retards, and/or ugly women anymore. Obviously, we take anybody…but the really retarded, hideously ugly, unbelievably stupid bitches, like…Lynndie England, are sent off to die in Iraq.
Yes! The New Army is for you! And honey, you’re gonna love it!