I've amended my decision, everyone. I submit to you, the good people of Points in Case Land, that I, Nick Moose, would now rather engage in sexual intercourse than eat a McRib sandwich! …PROVIDING that the sexual intercourse is with the one and only T-Mobile spokeschick, Carly Foulkes.
She's all that, Foulkes. I'm sure there are things in this world superior to the T-Mobile chick. I can't think of any, but they probably exist. In any case, ever since she first flitted upon my TV screen with all of her ultimate pink-nocity, the portion of my heart formerly reserved for boneless pork worship has been completely subsumed by her. My cell phone's only special feature is that it turns on (occasionally), but this lovely lass has suddenly got me dreaming of her 4G-string.
You see, Miss Foulkes is of the genus "Tylerous Superious," which literally translates to, "Girls who look like Liv Tyler but with human-shaped mouths." The only other Tylerous Superious I've seen in my lifetime was Kim Smith, the hot girl from the *NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye" video, and she was so hot that she actually stopped existing! Look it up. There is no record of her inhabiting this world after a brief stint on Friday Night Lights back in 2007! I think God destroyed her for being too awesome. He didn't want to get mankind's hopes up thinking he could ever make another one. And for a long time my friends, he could not. Until now.
Kim Smith, another Liv Tyler look-alike.Carly Foulkes is a Tylerous Superious, not only in that she is hotter than Liv Tyler, but also because she's not related to that American Idol sell-out Steven Tyler. (Kim Smith wasn't either, but she did star in an Aerosmith video, and so probably had creepy incest-inspired sex of some variety with him.) Really, the only advantage Liv Tyler has over the lovely Miss Foulkes is that she was in Empire Records. Of course, that also makes Liv Tyler old, so scratch that. Besides, I could always ask Carly to don a plaid skirt and powder blue sweater and gulp down a shitload of speed, or have Renée Zellweger scream at her, if I wanted to re-enact any of my favorite scenes from the film.
In the meantime, I've done exhaustive research on Carly Foulkes (well I looked up one interview with her) and apparently, she and I have quite a bit in common. She claims she used to listen to punk rock in high school and that she's from Canada. Meanwhile, I still listen to punk rock, even though I'm old, and I think some of my dad's ancestors may have possibly been French Canadian! Granted, that's less than two full things, but it's exponentially more than anything any of my past girlfriends and I have had in common. And, I swear to you people, I haven't wanted to have sex with a faux-punk Canadian this much since they came out with Avril Lavigne.
Speaking of which, do you think Carly has a pair of matching pink striped socks to go with those T-Mobile outfits of hers? Probably not, since, according to the internet, she doesn't wear pink in real life! I'm sure she's just trying to disassociate herself with her T-Mobile character, but she needn't be ashamed of those ads. Sure they're annoying, but I'd much rather see them than the Ford "Swap Your Ride" commercials with the smug asshole I'd like to murder with a chainsaw. Sorry though Carly, but your ads are not better than the "Bimbo Bear" bread commercials. (God help me I love that fucking bear.)
Her interview also states that she has a "super supportive boyfriend" named Tyler, but, believe me folks, if I've learned anything in this crazy life, it's that EVERY girl worth even looking at already has a boyfriend whose name is Tyler. If you want to find true love, you're just going to have to be willing to get your ass kicked by him. So bring it on buddy!
And Carly, if you're reading this, please, let's get together and drink some Labatt Blue and listen to the new Chixdiggit album (Canadian punks will understand this). If you promise to go out with me, you may one day even get me to upgrade to a non-rotary cell phone!*
*If you pay for it.
