Holiday in Hell

I AM GOING TO HELL!!!!

Psshht, that's nothin'. I'm going to Sacramento.

My fiancée just told me to go to hell. Should I give up on her and find someone else?

Every couple has occasional fights, I wouldn't really worry about it. If that's the worst thing she's said to you during your relationship, consider yourself lucky. But if you decide to go to hell after all, I know somebody you can ride with.

I think you should go out with Justin. Judging by his columns I think he could really use a girl.

He definitely could use a girlfriend, but I don't see why that girl should be me. You see, Justin needs a girl in the same way that Mt. Etna needs a virgin sacrifice. So far, I haven't seen anyone volunteering for either chore.

Me and my g/f are having problems but we're still having sex. Does that mean she doesn't care about the problems?

Ahahhahahaha!! ….Ahem. For many guys, the realization that something is wrong in their relationships is akin to seeing their “Check Engine” light go on: something really bad has been going on while you weren't paying attention. Just because you can still turn on your car—or your girl—it doesn't mean everything is okay. My advice is to take your girlfriend into Jiffy Lube and get a full diagnostic. The chairs are really uncomfortable but sometimes they have free popcorn.

I was reading your column, and my dog said “woof.” What do you think about that?

I'm not going to lie to you, Bobo. It hurts…it hurts a lot.