We've all been there. We've all experienced it. Some of us more than others. I'm talking about that moment just after doing something where you realize YOU are actually the asshole, not the other person. Maybe it happens to you a lot (like me), or maybe it hardly ever happens to you (which I would argue makes you an asshole in the world's eyes for being so fucking proper all the time), but rest assured, you have felt that "oh shit, I'm the asshole" feeling. Here are a couple of examples where it might've seemed like someone else was the asshole when in fact it was YOU all along.
1. Can You Just Get the Fuck Out of My Way?!
Hey walkers, this isn't meant to be taken as a command!
Have you ever been walking behind someone, or maybe a group of people who seem like they're moving in slow motion? There's no room to get around them at the moment so you start this running dialogue in your head about what assholes they are. It goes something like this: "Yeah, take your fucking time! No one has anywhere to be this year! Jesus Christ, you really DO think you're the only person/people on the planet, don't you?! I know you see me, but yet for some reason you can't seem to make a hole or step to the side to allow people walking at "normal human speed" to pass. Seriously, if you were walking any slower you'd be fucking stopped!" Then you finally find your opening and blow past them like they're standing still…which "for all intensive purposes" they were.
For added effect you add an audibly heavy sigh when passing, or maybe you are even brazen enough to offer up a piercing "WTF" look right to their faces while leaving them in the dust. Then, invariably, you reach your elevator, bus stop, or wherever you were going and end up standing there long enough that those slugs casually walk up to the exact same destination. It's then that you realize YOU are the asshole!
2. Can You Just Shut the Fuck Up?!
Or I'm going to shove that cell phone up your ass!
You're in a coffee shop, restaurant, bookstore, or someplace like that and some woman is talking really loud on her phone in a language you can't understand. She's also furiously pounding away on the keys of her laptop like each and every key is only slightly broken. The fact that she isn't speaking English is really the most annoying fact about the situation, because you can't even eavesdrop on what she's saying.
You offer up a few shitty glances in her direction, but she's so engrossed in conversation that she doesn't even notice, thereby solidifying in your mind that she has absolutely no respect for others. As the conversation continues and the typing gets louder, you get even bolder with your disapproval by sighing loudly or muttering things under your breath like, "Oh my God I can hear you all the way over here, I'm sure they can too!" and "Is this your first time using a cell phone and a computer, or what?!"
Finally, you can't take it anymore and you actually decide to say something to her like, "Can you keep it down? There are people in here OTHER than you!" To which she replies in perfect English, on the brink of tears, "Oh, I'm so sorry, my elderly mother is in Libya and a bomb just dropped where she was working. She is really scared and badly injured. She sustained a concussion due to the explosion and now she can't hear very well. She doesn't know what to do. I'm trying to talk her through this and tell her where to go to get some medical help. She's there volunteering with the Red Cross, but since the Red Cross just got accidentally bombed and the internet is out across the country, she can't exactly turn to either of them for help, so she needs me to help her look up the nearest hospital and how to get there. I promise I'll try and keep it down, sorry for bothering you."
No doubt about it, you're the asshole.
3. UM, HELLO?! I'm Fucking Talking to You!
Oh that's real adult! Ignore me! Yeah that's REAL mature!
You're in a major metropolitan subway station, where a woman might be a little wary of talking to strangers at night. You don't own a watch and your cell phone battery just died, but you want to know the time since it's getting late and you want to make sure you didn't miss your train. So you approach an attractive woman in front of you, who's also looking nervous like she may have missed the train. "Excuse me, Miss?" She ignores you, so you ask again loudly, "Excuse me, Miss?" She STILL ignores you! So you say, "I only want to know the time!" She looks down at the ground and slightly away from you.
So of course you launch into an audible rant, "Oh that's right, you're too fucking good to acknowledge that someone is actually talking to you. What, you think you're SO good looking that anyone who talks to you is just trying to get in your pants?!" She turns and stares right at you, expressionless, while you continue your tirade, "Get over yourself you fucking conceded twat! You aren't even all that! Not everyone on the planet is trying to hit on you! Some of us ACTUALLY just want to know the time, you arrogant CUNT!" A shocked look spreads across her face and you know that dropping the "C word" finally got to her.
"I'm deaf, but fuck you, I'm not telling you the time," she replies, in that telltale deaf voice. At that point, even a blind man could see that YOU are the asshole!
4. Learn to Fucking Drive, Asshole!
Apparently, this man is convinced that he doesn't have a tiny penis, but rather his wife has a HUGE vagina!
You're driving to work and of course you're late, likely because you stopped for coffee along the way. You seem to be hitting every single red light on your route and there also seems to be more people on the planet today than any other day. While sitting at yet another red light and mentally calculating the probability that exactly 16 years ago there was a baby boom leading to more drivers today than yesterday, the light turns green.
However, the giant SUV with tinted windows in front of you isn't moving. You beep your horn in that oh so clever, "Hey, just a friendly honk to wake you the fuck up" manner. No movement. You say out loud (but of course no one can hear but you), "What fucktard gave this asshole a license?!" You rev your engine and honk your horn harder this time while shouting at the top of your lungs (but again, no one can hear you but you), "WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU JACKASS!" Still, nothing. Now you lay on your horn continuously, exclaiming, "FOR FUCK'S SAKE, MOVE YOUR ASS!" However, it's clear they aren't going to budge.
Finally, you whip your car around theirs in an erratic and likely illegal aggressive driving move in order to pass them. As you pass the SUV, flipping them off in the process, you notice that it wasn't even the SUV causing the problem but rather the small compact car, two vehicles in front of them, who was waiting for the disabled homeless man to hobble into the street to graciously accept the money they were attempting to give him before the light turned green. It's clear that even if they had tried to give this poor soul money the INSTANT the light turned red there would have been no way in hell he could have gotten there before it changed back to green, which is precisely why everyone else was waiting patiently.
It's then when you realize YOU are the asshole!
5. You're a Fucking Waste of Internet Space!
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK, AND HERE'S A TWO PAGE COMMENT TO PROVE IT!
You're mindlessly surfing the internet, reading the news or doing random Google searches when you happen upon something that catches your eye. Before you know it, you are completely immersed in a controversial article about something you can't even believe someone would actually think, let alone take the time to write about. After having your sensibilities offended, your nerves tap danced on, and your morals violated, having just read what you did, you launch into the comment section like a bat out of hell! You are determined to give the author a piece of your mind, letting them know just how wrong and twisted they actually are. You'll convince them they are wrong for sure, because no one on Earth could ever disprove your obviously moral high ground.
As you mutter audibly and spray your laptop with spit, you type phrases like, "HOW DARE YOU!" and "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THINK SUCH THINGS!" Your caps lock key has never seen this much action in the entire time you've owned your keyboard, but it is absolutely warranted given the content of this evil article. You proofread your comment before sending, but honestly are too blinded with rage to see that it's peppered with grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, hell you probably even typed 1's in place of exclamation points!!1 You angrily and with serious finality hit the mouse button with the cursor hovering over "send" and immediately feel better that you put that FUCKHEAD WASTE OF SPACE IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING PLACE!
Almost instantly you receive a reply with a single line that reads, "You do know this is a comedy website, right?" It's then when you realize YOU are actually the asshole!
Feel free to contribute your own scenarios when you've realized YOU'RE the asshole… and if you don't think you have any, then ironically you're still the asshole for not admitting it.